By the title, you imagine you will read my thoughts on the very first Christmas, our Savior's birth, and how I feel about that. That might be in another post. This post is about the first Christmas without my mom on this earth to share it.
Christmas was her time of year. She loved it all - the family together, the decorations, especially the lights, the gift giving, the carols - you name it, she loved it. And because of that, her children all do, too. So every year since I've had a home of my own, I've gone all out to decorate, taken time to beautifully and carefully wrap gifts (often accused of paying to have it done by my younger sister), bake and make favorites to share with friends and family and had plenty of lights. And I kept thinking it would be that way this year, too.
But what I had were false starts. I kept planning and for the first time since I've had my own home, I didn't have it decorated over Thanksgiving weekend. A few weeks later, Rachel and I got around to it. Some lights went up outside, the Advent houses went on the counter, the Santa collection on the fireplace, the Nutcracker collection on the hutch.....and then I fizzled out. The snowman collection never made it out of the boxes. The Victorian, cardboard Santa figures never made it on to the wall. The favorite Christmas card collection never made it up on the wall, either. We put just two strands of lights on the tree and didn't put much effort into the outdoor lights, either.
It's just not the same this year. This year there was no conversation with my mom asking how much we'd gotten put up, what we were planning to make - all the things I talked to her about every year. And it sort of sucked the joy out of it. I've been a bit down in the dumps for two days. I feel on the verge of tears every moment. I wanted to cry after a surprisingly easy run to Walmart for some last minute baking needs - baking I have yet to get started on. I can't put my finger on it. It's just not that same this year.
To top it all off, Jay can't make it home for Christmas. He won't get here until Tuesday. We're having it on Christmas Day anyway because it's not fair to ask a kid to wait. He'll be on the phone with us as we open presents because that's the best we can do. And the days I took off from work are not going to be spent with him because he's not here. That's made it harder, too.
I know next year will be easier. I hope it will be down right much, much better. But this year I'm just going to try to focus on our Savior's birth and try to keep smiling - even though I don't really feel it (and feel like I suck as a mom right now because of it!).
Thank goodness for our friends and all they offer in reaching out to us, understanding how rough things have been for us these last couple of years. I know we are on our way to improving - better jobs, more income. Now we just need the set backs to stop and the improvements to keep coming instead of being stagnant. I know deep down everything will get better. I just have to keep the faith.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Maybe I'm Not All That
I do not have a great deal of self esteem. Deep down inside, I know many positive things about myself but on the surface, I only feel good about two things - being a good mom and being a good employee. In fact, I'd say I can be a little over confident - at least about work. I took on so much that I was working 10 hour days, coming home and squeezing in an hour or two many nights, working weekends and I STILL couldn't keep up with everything.
I felt myself falling into a deep pit of despair. I say this with a flare for the written word but really, I was getting pretty down. I was feeling run down, disappointed that I couldn't do it all (not that anyone could, but I'd set my standard pretty darn high) and feeling like I failed my boss.
She saw it. She came to me and said, "I am an over-delegater and you are an over-worker and together, we are not managing it." No truer words had been spoken in some time. We hired a part-timer who has worked for my boss before and she's doing the bookkeeping while I keep all the rest of it.
I finally feel like work is manageable and perhaps I can have a life outside of my job. It's a new concept for me in the workforce. When I was single, I was notorious for working 12+ hours a day. I feel rewarded when I work and do a job well, so I put a lot in to it. But right now, I'm still raising my teenager and she needs me just as much as she did when she was little - just in a different way. And now I can focus a bit more on things at home and less about work.
I seriously feel much better.
I felt myself falling into a deep pit of despair. I say this with a flare for the written word but really, I was getting pretty down. I was feeling run down, disappointed that I couldn't do it all (not that anyone could, but I'd set my standard pretty darn high) and feeling like I failed my boss.
She saw it. She came to me and said, "I am an over-delegater and you are an over-worker and together, we are not managing it." No truer words had been spoken in some time. We hired a part-timer who has worked for my boss before and she's doing the bookkeeping while I keep all the rest of it.
I finally feel like work is manageable and perhaps I can have a life outside of my job. It's a new concept for me in the workforce. When I was single, I was notorious for working 12+ hours a day. I feel rewarded when I work and do a job well, so I put a lot in to it. But right now, I'm still raising my teenager and she needs me just as much as she did when she was little - just in a different way. And now I can focus a bit more on things at home and less about work.
I seriously feel much better.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Time Slips Away
I blog for therapy. I used to read other people's blogs for the same reason. One of the blogs a friend writes leaves me laughing almost every time I pop over there. I monitor my daughter's feelings by reading hers and out of all the blogs I used to love to read, those are the only two I manage to get to these days and even that is so infrequent, I miss out on a lot.
There are two sides to this. One is that I don't have the time because I work full-time plus some at a job I really enjoy and this makes me a contributing member of the household. I like that very much. The other side is that I have little time for the things I love to do - blogging, reading and the one I miss the most, writing on my novel.
I know that somehow, I have to balance my life so I can fit in daily exercise and daily writing so that I feel good and completely fulfilled. But I've spent my life making excuses for what I 'can't' do. I can't work out every day because blah, blah, blah. I can't write on my novel, finish it and put it out there for publishing because blah, blah, blah.
I think part of that is not seeing me for who I am or what I am capable of in life. Another friend of mine tells me all the time how strong she thinks I am; how able I am to cope with so much more than the average person and still handle life with grace. In fact, she just told me this again a few days ago. But I blush and then say to myself, "there are far more difficult lives than mine and those people persevere despite their problems, too. I am nothing special." And I'm not. But I guess it's kind of nice that someone thinks I am.
I wasn't one of the top kids in my family growing up. By that I mean I wasn't thought very highly of or given much support toward becoming anything. That's just life, just the way it is, but I think it instilled a powerful lack of belief in myself that I could do much of anything. So I just pushed to do certain things really well. One was in the kind of employee I am. I work my tail off for whomever I'm employed by. It's why I moved up so quickly in every job I ever had that allowed such progress. When I was single and could focus everything on my work, I made a lot of money...and spent it, too! I think this background also made me the kind of mom I am. I KNOW I am a great mom. Even my teenager tells me this all the time. How awesome is that?!?!? And she doesn't think that because I let her get away with whatever. Everyone who knows her thinks she's a great kid. That's because she is.
So I've got two things I think I'm good at in life. But I suspect I have a lot more than that and I just don't push myself to be more, do better, improve in those areas. Maybe it's time to look myself in the eye, get serious and make some efforts in other areas that I've let slide. Maybe it's time to do what matters to me, too, not just what I have to do or am obligated to do. Maybe it's time to say no at the right time and yes at the best time.
I think I might try this on for size and see how it goes.
There are two sides to this. One is that I don't have the time because I work full-time plus some at a job I really enjoy and this makes me a contributing member of the household. I like that very much. The other side is that I have little time for the things I love to do - blogging, reading and the one I miss the most, writing on my novel.
I know that somehow, I have to balance my life so I can fit in daily exercise and daily writing so that I feel good and completely fulfilled. But I've spent my life making excuses for what I 'can't' do. I can't work out every day because blah, blah, blah. I can't write on my novel, finish it and put it out there for publishing because blah, blah, blah.
I think part of that is not seeing me for who I am or what I am capable of in life. Another friend of mine tells me all the time how strong she thinks I am; how able I am to cope with so much more than the average person and still handle life with grace. In fact, she just told me this again a few days ago. But I blush and then say to myself, "there are far more difficult lives than mine and those people persevere despite their problems, too. I am nothing special." And I'm not. But I guess it's kind of nice that someone thinks I am.
I wasn't one of the top kids in my family growing up. By that I mean I wasn't thought very highly of or given much support toward becoming anything. That's just life, just the way it is, but I think it instilled a powerful lack of belief in myself that I could do much of anything. So I just pushed to do certain things really well. One was in the kind of employee I am. I work my tail off for whomever I'm employed by. It's why I moved up so quickly in every job I ever had that allowed such progress. When I was single and could focus everything on my work, I made a lot of money...and spent it, too! I think this background also made me the kind of mom I am. I KNOW I am a great mom. Even my teenager tells me this all the time. How awesome is that?!?!? And she doesn't think that because I let her get away with whatever. Everyone who knows her thinks she's a great kid. That's because she is.
So I've got two things I think I'm good at in life. But I suspect I have a lot more than that and I just don't push myself to be more, do better, improve in those areas. Maybe it's time to look myself in the eye, get serious and make some efforts in other areas that I've let slide. Maybe it's time to do what matters to me, too, not just what I have to do or am obligated to do. Maybe it's time to say no at the right time and yes at the best time.
I think I might try this on for size and see how it goes.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Finally, Sunshine
It has been a long, difficult road - especially for my daughter - but the sun has begun to shine again. Through absolutely no fault of her own, she has struggled for a long time with darkness, sorrow and frightening thoughts. In her desire to be the good and precious child she truly is, she covered it with smiles and laughter. But that only worked for so long. Everything began to fall apart this year. We endured a lot and it took it's toll.
We lost the only home she'd ever known to foreclosure - something I never thought we'd experience. My mother, her grandmother, passed away and three weeks later, our dog of nine years did, too. Jay's behavior had been appalling for far too long and so we separated after letting things go on much longer than it should have - but I couldn't walk away from the mentally ill man I love until then. He abandoned us in his anger and would not speak to his own daughter while only yelling at me. And her sickness began to show itself because it was bad enough she could no longer hide it.
She's been afraid of this illness because of what she's seen from her father. She can scarcely remember the time when things were good; when we laughed a lot and enjoyed each other as a family unit. He'd been seriously ill with his disease since she was 9 years old. And that's what she was afraid of becoming. So in trying to deny it, she hid it until she couldn't.
But things have brightened. Jay had a medication change that had been desperately needed for 5 years. He knew he could not live on $9.00 an hour on his own, so he made it happen that he could begin driving again. He spent time alone on the road and realized some things about himself that three stints in marriage counseling and two trips through the church marriage classes had not helped him see. He began to regret and felt ashamed of what he had become. And he began to talk to me without anger, without yelling, without blame toward me. He just admitted what he'd been responsible for in this mess we'd called a marriage the last 5 years. And we have reunited - though he is driving over the road, so we only see him for a few days once every month or 6 weeks. But for now, that's fine.
And I pulled myself out of my shell of denial that this was all happening again, but this time to my sweet daughter, and sought the help she needed. She's been seeing a therapist, but it was clearly not enough. I made an appointment through Children's Hospital and she saw a psychiatrist. What a huge relief to finally have a diagnosis - anxiety with depression. And a huge relief to find the answer to what she needed - medication and less pressure at school. I pulled her out of Honors math. She's still in an advanced math class, but at a much calmer pace. She'll remain out of honors math through the rest of high school. We've already mapped that path out with her school counselor. All her other classes remain Honors, but they are easy for her and she enjoys them. And we started medication which seems to be working very, very well. For the first time in a long time, I have my ray of sunshine back! My little girl is smiling - genuinely smiling - and laughing and happy and so much more relaxed. She's not all the way there yet as we're still adjusting the medication level, but she is very well on her way. And I cannot thank my Heavenly Father enough for protecting her until I could get the help she needed. I thought I was going to lose her and that, I could not endure.
So, we are moving forward instead of backward again. We are working on all the right things at all the right times in all the right places and I look forward as the light grows around us again and the darkness fades.
We survived. We persevered. We endured.
We lost the only home she'd ever known to foreclosure - something I never thought we'd experience. My mother, her grandmother, passed away and three weeks later, our dog of nine years did, too. Jay's behavior had been appalling for far too long and so we separated after letting things go on much longer than it should have - but I couldn't walk away from the mentally ill man I love until then. He abandoned us in his anger and would not speak to his own daughter while only yelling at me. And her sickness began to show itself because it was bad enough she could no longer hide it.
She's been afraid of this illness because of what she's seen from her father. She can scarcely remember the time when things were good; when we laughed a lot and enjoyed each other as a family unit. He'd been seriously ill with his disease since she was 9 years old. And that's what she was afraid of becoming. So in trying to deny it, she hid it until she couldn't.
But things have brightened. Jay had a medication change that had been desperately needed for 5 years. He knew he could not live on $9.00 an hour on his own, so he made it happen that he could begin driving again. He spent time alone on the road and realized some things about himself that three stints in marriage counseling and two trips through the church marriage classes had not helped him see. He began to regret and felt ashamed of what he had become. And he began to talk to me without anger, without yelling, without blame toward me. He just admitted what he'd been responsible for in this mess we'd called a marriage the last 5 years. And we have reunited - though he is driving over the road, so we only see him for a few days once every month or 6 weeks. But for now, that's fine.
And I pulled myself out of my shell of denial that this was all happening again, but this time to my sweet daughter, and sought the help she needed. She's been seeing a therapist, but it was clearly not enough. I made an appointment through Children's Hospital and she saw a psychiatrist. What a huge relief to finally have a diagnosis - anxiety with depression. And a huge relief to find the answer to what she needed - medication and less pressure at school. I pulled her out of Honors math. She's still in an advanced math class, but at a much calmer pace. She'll remain out of honors math through the rest of high school. We've already mapped that path out with her school counselor. All her other classes remain Honors, but they are easy for her and she enjoys them. And we started medication which seems to be working very, very well. For the first time in a long time, I have my ray of sunshine back! My little girl is smiling - genuinely smiling - and laughing and happy and so much more relaxed. She's not all the way there yet as we're still adjusting the medication level, but she is very well on her way. And I cannot thank my Heavenly Father enough for protecting her until I could get the help she needed. I thought I was going to lose her and that, I could not endure.
So, we are moving forward instead of backward again. We are working on all the right things at all the right times in all the right places and I look forward as the light grows around us again and the darkness fades.
We survived. We persevered. We endured.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Time Heals
A little passing of time and I find myself settled into what to do about the two main things in my life that have pained my heart and soul.
My little girl will see a psychiatrist soon for a med evaluation and, I am certain, will begin to take some meds for depression. That vibrant, sweet, soaring soul that has been my daughter until these past few months will begin to emerge again all the time instead of just now and then. I feel at peace with this decision and I trust my Heavenly Father to guide us and protect her; guiding and blessing the Dr. she sees to make the right medication decision to help her through this troubled time.
My husband is someone I thought was gone forever and it's odd and sweet and this time, I know I'm seeing a true change - not a momentary one he made to get back into the family. With regaining his career, being able to support his family, he feels like a man again and that goes a long way for the males of our species. He laughs all the time when we talk and when he visits. He is thoughtful about the things we've endured and the most surprising to me, he is grateful for all I did to try to stick it out. Today he called and told me I was the most courageous person he knew. That took me by surprise. He said he had thought all along that I was just doing everything I had done because I was afraid the marriage would fall apart. But now he sees that I took these great measures, even - in his words - endangering myself somewhat, to protect him from himself. And, of course, he knows I was protecting Rachel, too. He has opened my heart again on a part of life I thought was gone. I believe I will have back the man I fell in love with over 17 years ago; the man who made me laugh, who made me feel loved and who wanted happiness in our life. It leaves a sweet taste in my mouth.
Time heals so many things. Sometimes it heals the ache of a heart, the sorrow of something lost, the fear of the future. Sometimes it brings peace to our minds and joy to our thoughts and we find ourselves able to walk again and not falter. Time can be a gift.
My little girl will see a psychiatrist soon for a med evaluation and, I am certain, will begin to take some meds for depression. That vibrant, sweet, soaring soul that has been my daughter until these past few months will begin to emerge again all the time instead of just now and then. I feel at peace with this decision and I trust my Heavenly Father to guide us and protect her; guiding and blessing the Dr. she sees to make the right medication decision to help her through this troubled time.
My husband is someone I thought was gone forever and it's odd and sweet and this time, I know I'm seeing a true change - not a momentary one he made to get back into the family. With regaining his career, being able to support his family, he feels like a man again and that goes a long way for the males of our species. He laughs all the time when we talk and when he visits. He is thoughtful about the things we've endured and the most surprising to me, he is grateful for all I did to try to stick it out. Today he called and told me I was the most courageous person he knew. That took me by surprise. He said he had thought all along that I was just doing everything I had done because I was afraid the marriage would fall apart. But now he sees that I took these great measures, even - in his words - endangering myself somewhat, to protect him from himself. And, of course, he knows I was protecting Rachel, too. He has opened my heart again on a part of life I thought was gone. I believe I will have back the man I fell in love with over 17 years ago; the man who made me laugh, who made me feel loved and who wanted happiness in our life. It leaves a sweet taste in my mouth.
Time heals so many things. Sometimes it heals the ache of a heart, the sorrow of something lost, the fear of the future. Sometimes it brings peace to our minds and joy to our thoughts and we find ourselves able to walk again and not falter. Time can be a gift.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Here and There and...Where???
It's hard to post when I don't know what I'm feeling. Not just about the marriage but there are a lot of difficult things right now.
Most everyone I've been around says I look really good - not just some weight loss, but my countenance. That's understandable having had so much stress lifted off me on a daily basis and having a chance to heal. At the same time, I feel a little anxious about whether or not I'm doing right by Rachel. She's going through a lot of stuff right now - stuff I can't help with, stuff that's passed on from both example and, I think, genes. I think just seeing a therapist alone isn't going to do the trick. I think she won't be able to be happy until she's on some medication and I worry that her therapist -whom I like and appreciate and do trust - will not go in that direction. She's very holistic in her views but I think what I see at home is more of an indicator than what she gets in a session. And the part that's the hardest for me to accept is how difficult I'm finding it to deal with this.
I love my daugther more than my own life. She is the greatest joy in my life. She is the sunshine in the darkest days. But right now, I feel......resentful, I think.....I'm not really sure. But I guess maybe put out that I'm dealing with the same stuff I dealt with in my marriage and just got free of. I can't even begin to express the amount of guilt I feel for this. I know she can't just fix herself and she's a teen and some of it is just being a teen. But I know some of it is depression, anxiety, stress that she isn't able to manage on her own and I feel pulled in two different directions.
Do I push the issue of meds and just take her to a shrink to have that addressed? Do I give the therapy more time and hope she doesn't drop into despair? Do I just pray and have faith it will all work out? I don't know what to do and although I greatly admire and love our new Bishop, he's not the one who has guided me through all this stuff so far and not who I felt like I could just poor my heart out to. So I don't feel like I have a comfortable source for guideance - which I greatly relied on with my previous Bishop.
What do I do? What do I do? I'm so afraid of messing this up and this is everything. This is my whole life, my whole heart in this child of mine. What if I do the wrong thing? What if I don't act at the right time with the right choice? What if there is nothing I CAN do? I feel so afraid right now. I wish Heavenly Father would just send me the answer. I just need someone else to answer this for me becaus I just don't know what to do.
Most everyone I've been around says I look really good - not just some weight loss, but my countenance. That's understandable having had so much stress lifted off me on a daily basis and having a chance to heal. At the same time, I feel a little anxious about whether or not I'm doing right by Rachel. She's going through a lot of stuff right now - stuff I can't help with, stuff that's passed on from both example and, I think, genes. I think just seeing a therapist alone isn't going to do the trick. I think she won't be able to be happy until she's on some medication and I worry that her therapist -whom I like and appreciate and do trust - will not go in that direction. She's very holistic in her views but I think what I see at home is more of an indicator than what she gets in a session. And the part that's the hardest for me to accept is how difficult I'm finding it to deal with this.
I love my daugther more than my own life. She is the greatest joy in my life. She is the sunshine in the darkest days. But right now, I feel......resentful, I think.....I'm not really sure. But I guess maybe put out that I'm dealing with the same stuff I dealt with in my marriage and just got free of. I can't even begin to express the amount of guilt I feel for this. I know she can't just fix herself and she's a teen and some of it is just being a teen. But I know some of it is depression, anxiety, stress that she isn't able to manage on her own and I feel pulled in two different directions.
Do I push the issue of meds and just take her to a shrink to have that addressed? Do I give the therapy more time and hope she doesn't drop into despair? Do I just pray and have faith it will all work out? I don't know what to do and although I greatly admire and love our new Bishop, he's not the one who has guided me through all this stuff so far and not who I felt like I could just poor my heart out to. So I don't feel like I have a comfortable source for guideance - which I greatly relied on with my previous Bishop.
What do I do? What do I do? I'm so afraid of messing this up and this is everything. This is my whole life, my whole heart in this child of mine. What if I do the wrong thing? What if I don't act at the right time with the right choice? What if there is nothing I CAN do? I feel so afraid right now. I wish Heavenly Father would just send me the answer. I just need someone else to answer this for me becaus I just don't know what to do.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Homecoming
He's coming home tomorrow for a few days and my feelings about it are all over the place. I see in my daughter's face, in her heart, how much she needs to see him. And I feel this....fear, maybe....or concern or something I can't name about how I will feel over the whole thing. There is a little excitement in me, too. Lately, I've needed him - to talk to about some difficult issues that have gone on - and realize how much I miss having a companion to share the tough things with. I look forward to talking face to face. But I am scared. I don't want to feel too much or too....hard. I want to stay in a place where I can keep my head about me because whether or not we one day get back together, it is far in the future. He needs to look inside for a while, to become better and stronger. And I need to grow independent again, grow confident in myself again. So it's a little scary.
We are still husband and wife. I still love him. I know some people say they hate the people they were once married to, and maybe it's because we're still married so those vows are still in place, but I still feel that love for him. The path we are on is the right one. Where it will ultimately lead is the question. And I don't know. It will just take time. And until then, we'll do our best to be good to each other, to be there for each other and show our daughter how much she means to us both. After all, she comes first in all this, only after God Himself.
We are still husband and wife. I still love him. I know some people say they hate the people they were once married to, and maybe it's because we're still married so those vows are still in place, but I still feel that love for him. The path we are on is the right one. Where it will ultimately lead is the question. And I don't know. It will just take time. And until then, we'll do our best to be good to each other, to be there for each other and show our daughter how much she means to us both. After all, she comes first in all this, only after God Himself.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Rollercoaster Riding
I don't like rollercoasters. They scare me and make me feel sick and since I have struggled with vertigo, there is no way I'd willingly step on one. But that's what my marriage has been for a long time. Maybe always - but my memory seems to be uncertain as I desire to remember the good parts more than the difficult or bad ones.
We've talked on the phone, cried together, talked some more. Where we will end up is an unknown. For me, I still feel certain we are on the road to eventual divorce. I cannot imagine trusting him again to be kind or to remain decent in his dealings with me. But I also can't forever turn my back on him. You see, I have this annoying remaining feeling for him called love. Certainly, it's much, much less than it was during the good times of our marriage and even less than during most of the bad times. There is little to no opportunity for it to grow again. And that's what I prefer. I have made my choice. But as the saying goes, never say never.
I dream of dating one day again, finding someone whose testimony in our faith is at least as strong as mine, but preferrably stronger than my own so that he would lead our family as a priesthood holder. I desire to feel completely and utterly loved for who I am, without constant conditions set upon me. I hope to find a kind face, a gentle touch, a pure love of Christ. These things I seek in a man and may or may not ever find. But I know they are out there. I have met some, though already taken in marriage. Their goodness and solid belief in their faith is such a reassurance to me. I know there are others out there who are the same and looking for another themselves.
Still, I wonder if my fate is to wait out Jay's sorting - which could take years - and then never have those desired feelings that would bring me peace.
Don't get me wrong. I have no intention of not following through with my plans. I am stronger now and know that I can manage alone. And I never again want my home invaded by the darkness that lived here before he left. All I know is I can't give up on him. You just never know and I want to support him, even without plans to reunite, so that he can find peace and happiness within himself for his own future.
We've talked on the phone, cried together, talked some more. Where we will end up is an unknown. For me, I still feel certain we are on the road to eventual divorce. I cannot imagine trusting him again to be kind or to remain decent in his dealings with me. But I also can't forever turn my back on him. You see, I have this annoying remaining feeling for him called love. Certainly, it's much, much less than it was during the good times of our marriage and even less than during most of the bad times. There is little to no opportunity for it to grow again. And that's what I prefer. I have made my choice. But as the saying goes, never say never.
I dream of dating one day again, finding someone whose testimony in our faith is at least as strong as mine, but preferrably stronger than my own so that he would lead our family as a priesthood holder. I desire to feel completely and utterly loved for who I am, without constant conditions set upon me. I hope to find a kind face, a gentle touch, a pure love of Christ. These things I seek in a man and may or may not ever find. But I know they are out there. I have met some, though already taken in marriage. Their goodness and solid belief in their faith is such a reassurance to me. I know there are others out there who are the same and looking for another themselves.
Still, I wonder if my fate is to wait out Jay's sorting - which could take years - and then never have those desired feelings that would bring me peace.
Don't get me wrong. I have no intention of not following through with my plans. I am stronger now and know that I can manage alone. And I never again want my home invaded by the darkness that lived here before he left. All I know is I can't give up on him. You just never know and I want to support him, even without plans to reunite, so that he can find peace and happiness within himself for his own future.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
A Dedicated Home
Tonight, our very wonderful home teacher came by to check on us. It is the day after a nasty phone call from Jay and so it was nice to have the priesthood in our home. But after some discussions and some thoughts and suggestions from him and then a blessing for Rachel to help her start the school year, he felt impressed to dedicate our home.
We have NEVER lived in a dedicated home. Jay never used the power of his priesthood for things like that. It was difficult to get him to give a blessing at all. I understand why now; he knew he wasn't really worthy. So our home was without that special blessing for a long time.
So in his prayer, the moment he spoke the words that he dedicated our home, Rachel and I both began to cry. For those who are not members of the church, this meant that a blessing and prayer was placed over our home - to keep us and it safe, to have the Holy Spirit within these walls, to bless us with peace and happiness here. The powerful Spirit that was present nearly took my breath away and I am so grateful to Doug for his sweet words and how in tune he is with the Spirit that he was able to realize our need and offer to remedy it. What a calm and good feeling dwells within the walls of our home tonight.
Thank you, Doug, for being the wonderful person you are. Cheri is a very lucky woman.
We have NEVER lived in a dedicated home. Jay never used the power of his priesthood for things like that. It was difficult to get him to give a blessing at all. I understand why now; he knew he wasn't really worthy. So our home was without that special blessing for a long time.
So in his prayer, the moment he spoke the words that he dedicated our home, Rachel and I both began to cry. For those who are not members of the church, this meant that a blessing and prayer was placed over our home - to keep us and it safe, to have the Holy Spirit within these walls, to bless us with peace and happiness here. The powerful Spirit that was present nearly took my breath away and I am so grateful to Doug for his sweet words and how in tune he is with the Spirit that he was able to realize our need and offer to remedy it. What a calm and good feeling dwells within the walls of our home tonight.
Thank you, Doug, for being the wonderful person you are. Cheri is a very lucky woman.
Wounded
The wounds of my heart were open for so long,
Left bleeding and aching for what was gone.
But these three long years have not been for nothing.
I've grown stronger and wiser and found hope
For the future that looks brighter with each passing day
Because I found my own value,
On my own and without his say.
I know who and what I am in my heart.
I've come through the fire and found a fresh start
And learned how to hang on in this world filled with struggles.
I don't know what happened to change him so,
Or maybe I thought he was something more and was wrong.
I know what matters in this life and after
My faith has been what's kept me from sinking
My family has been my foundation and helped me take courage
Whatever the future, I know I'll be at peace
I've done the right thing and it's keeping us safe.
Left bleeding and aching for what was gone.
But these three long years have not been for nothing.
I've grown stronger and wiser and found hope
For the future that looks brighter with each passing day
Because I found my own value,
On my own and without his say.
I know who and what I am in my heart.
I've come through the fire and found a fresh start
And learned how to hang on in this world filled with struggles.
I don't know what happened to change him so,
Or maybe I thought he was something more and was wrong.
I know what matters in this life and after
My faith has been what's kept me from sinking
My family has been my foundation and helped me take courage
Whatever the future, I know I'll be at peace
I've done the right thing and it's keeping us safe.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Invading My Dreams
I dreamt about him last night. Not something sweet or that I'd want to revisit. No, instead he had somehow gotten into the house and decorated with all this stuff that was nothing I would ever choose. My sense was he knew that and was testing me to see if my heart was still in the same place - the place that ended our marriage. It was. I told him to take it all down. I said it nicely, a bit of trepidation in my actions; will he get angry and throw things? Will he scream? But he only mentioned how one item that he 'really' thought I'd like was broken. I said to put it back in the box and take it back, then asked if he still had the box. "It didn't come in a box," he responded, but I felt hidden meaning in that exchange.
There was also a woman he'd brought with him who was helping him. At first, I thought I knew her - but no, she was a stranger. And I didn't like a stranger in my home, putting things up as if she lived here. I was irritated, insulted and remembered the numerous reasons I ended this marriage. I did so I would never have to be afraid or concerned about someones reaction to something again - you should never 'fear' someone else's behavior because if you do, something is wrong about it. Also, so that I never again had to accept something I was completely against just to keep the peace. That's not to say I wouldn't compromise. I have always compromised, knowing this is the best way to allow everyone happiness - if they want to be happy. And because of an issue of trust. If you cannot trust your spouse, everything else will fall apart. And I have not trusted him - in many areas - in a very long time. Mostly because he failed me in that aspect of our marriage. Yes, I know he loved me (still does, as I do him). Yes, I know he tried sometimes. Yes, I know he wished he could change some of the things he'd allowed himself to do. But too much was missing or wrong and it lead to the end because they were the most important pieces. Faithfulness, kindness, humility, the desire to make your spouse happy - he had allowed these things to drift away, never to return. And if they don't go both ways, the relationship dies.
In a way, I believe he is relieved to be rid of the responsibility that came with being a part of a family. Although I know there is plenty his misses about having one, he also was done with taking responsibility for us. I'm not talking just financially, either. I mean responsibility of the heart.
But in the same breath, I am relieved to be rid of the constant struggle to keep the peace in an impossible situation. There was no way, regardless of what I did, that I could keep the peace, make him happy or relieve whatever self-doubt and self-loathing he carried. He feared a certain future and he then spent the last five years creating it.
Now there is peace in this household. Now my daughter and I are unafraid, comfortable, relaxed in a way that shows on our faces and in our hearts.
I miss him from time to time, when certain things happen in the family. I miss sharing some things and I miss having another to worry with me about things. Right now, he is far removed from us, though. He's always been very selfish, but now he doesn't have to look us in the eye. In a phone call today, I was told I shouldn't expect more than $100.00 a week for the next 4 weeks. That's going to make things very difficult financially for us. And I'm a little angry about it. There are still bills here, expenses for our child, that he is responsible for and now, he's cut back even further what he will contribute. But until I do something through the courts - file for child support - there is nothing I can do about it. I suspect, based on what his income will be, I will get at least a couple hundred more a month through legal child support. So if the tide doesn't change in 4 weeks, that will be my next step. The saddest part, his daughter knows he cares more for himself than her and so she doesn't even care if she speaks to him or sees him. I hope, for both their sakes, he changes his behavior and does right by us. Only time will tell.
There was also a woman he'd brought with him who was helping him. At first, I thought I knew her - but no, she was a stranger. And I didn't like a stranger in my home, putting things up as if she lived here. I was irritated, insulted and remembered the numerous reasons I ended this marriage. I did so I would never have to be afraid or concerned about someones reaction to something again - you should never 'fear' someone else's behavior because if you do, something is wrong about it. Also, so that I never again had to accept something I was completely against just to keep the peace. That's not to say I wouldn't compromise. I have always compromised, knowing this is the best way to allow everyone happiness - if they want to be happy. And because of an issue of trust. If you cannot trust your spouse, everything else will fall apart. And I have not trusted him - in many areas - in a very long time. Mostly because he failed me in that aspect of our marriage. Yes, I know he loved me (still does, as I do him). Yes, I know he tried sometimes. Yes, I know he wished he could change some of the things he'd allowed himself to do. But too much was missing or wrong and it lead to the end because they were the most important pieces. Faithfulness, kindness, humility, the desire to make your spouse happy - he had allowed these things to drift away, never to return. And if they don't go both ways, the relationship dies.
In a way, I believe he is relieved to be rid of the responsibility that came with being a part of a family. Although I know there is plenty his misses about having one, he also was done with taking responsibility for us. I'm not talking just financially, either. I mean responsibility of the heart.
But in the same breath, I am relieved to be rid of the constant struggle to keep the peace in an impossible situation. There was no way, regardless of what I did, that I could keep the peace, make him happy or relieve whatever self-doubt and self-loathing he carried. He feared a certain future and he then spent the last five years creating it.
Now there is peace in this household. Now my daughter and I are unafraid, comfortable, relaxed in a way that shows on our faces and in our hearts.
I miss him from time to time, when certain things happen in the family. I miss sharing some things and I miss having another to worry with me about things. Right now, he is far removed from us, though. He's always been very selfish, but now he doesn't have to look us in the eye. In a phone call today, I was told I shouldn't expect more than $100.00 a week for the next 4 weeks. That's going to make things very difficult financially for us. And I'm a little angry about it. There are still bills here, expenses for our child, that he is responsible for and now, he's cut back even further what he will contribute. But until I do something through the courts - file for child support - there is nothing I can do about it. I suspect, based on what his income will be, I will get at least a couple hundred more a month through legal child support. So if the tide doesn't change in 4 weeks, that will be my next step. The saddest part, his daughter knows he cares more for himself than her and so she doesn't even care if she speaks to him or sees him. I hope, for both their sakes, he changes his behavior and does right by us. Only time will tell.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Feeling Fine
I have to admit, I'm doing really well. Yes, there is still some sadness, but I feel good about how peaceful our home is now and how easy-going everything seems to be. I'm a little stressed about finances, but once Jay is paying child support/contributing to this household, I know I'll be fine.
I am holding off filing for the divorce until we've had insurance for a while. I haven't had some necessary care done in about 4 years and I need to get that taken care of. So, I'll have to wait 3 months until the good insurance (not just gap insurance) kicks in so I can do so. After a few months of that, I'll file the papers. He'll continue to cover Rachel with insurance, though.
I do find times I wish I had someone to come home to and talk about things that happened in my day or problems we had at home (like when Babey escaped yesterday and we looked all over for her, thinking she was gone or dead). I called him. I needed to have someone else worrying, I guess. Then I wanted to shoot myself for calling him. But I know as time goes on, that will lessen. It's a big change after 17 years. It's been a big good-bye that's moving pretty slowly along, but it will come.
Right now, she doesn't want to see him. She doesn't want to talk to him on the phone. I think part of that is anger and hurt, but a bigger part is that if he's nice and loving toward her, it might make it hurt more. Oh how I wish I could protect her from this pain. I'd gladly take it all to spare her any. That child is the greatest joy of my life and I will always do everything I am able to do to help her be happy and healthy and content in life. It's the least I can do for the joy I've had being a mother to her. She is one fantastic kid.
I am holding off filing for the divorce until we've had insurance for a while. I haven't had some necessary care done in about 4 years and I need to get that taken care of. So, I'll have to wait 3 months until the good insurance (not just gap insurance) kicks in so I can do so. After a few months of that, I'll file the papers. He'll continue to cover Rachel with insurance, though.
I do find times I wish I had someone to come home to and talk about things that happened in my day or problems we had at home (like when Babey escaped yesterday and we looked all over for her, thinking she was gone or dead). I called him. I needed to have someone else worrying, I guess. Then I wanted to shoot myself for calling him. But I know as time goes on, that will lessen. It's a big change after 17 years. It's been a big good-bye that's moving pretty slowly along, but it will come.
Right now, she doesn't want to see him. She doesn't want to talk to him on the phone. I think part of that is anger and hurt, but a bigger part is that if he's nice and loving toward her, it might make it hurt more. Oh how I wish I could protect her from this pain. I'd gladly take it all to spare her any. That child is the greatest joy of my life and I will always do everything I am able to do to help her be happy and healthy and content in life. It's the least I can do for the joy I've had being a mother to her. She is one fantastic kid.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
You'll See
Done by Madonna, then Susan Boyle. Music speaks to my soul and so this song is one more that has brought healing to my heart.
http://youtu.be/G0PnPVdmiS4
Disappeared. So I've added the link in case it's not here when you read this.
http://youtu.be/G0PnPVdmiS4
Disappeared. So I've added the link in case it's not here when you read this.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Delayed to Tuesday
Although he was certain he would be on his way Sunday, it was Tuesday when I dropped off his stuff and he boarded a greyhound for Springfield, Missouri. I gave him a hug and kiss good-bye and teary-eyed, headed home. It was harder than I wanted it to be. I just had to tell myself it is, without a doubt, the right thing to do. He wasn't going to be the man I used to love anymore and although there were glimmers of him, I know it would not last.
I think he's relieved because he feels he's out from under the pressure of being a responsible adult family member. He'd allowed himself to simply cop out after he lost his career driving a truck and being miserable not driving, decided it was everyone else's fault. The last three years have been so awful with him constantly angry and constantly disrespectful and yelling - to both our daughter and me - that it has been a huge relief to have him gone. Already, there is a comfort level in our home that feels so good. I can't wait to get the house all cleaned up, my new sheets on the bed (I got an awesome deal at Big Lots on a nice set and I might go get another set at Ross that was only $5.00 more but even more gorgeous!) and settle in to a new and peaceful routine.
Rachel and I start Weight Watchers tonight, go see the last Harry Potter movie tomorrow, go to the church Bishopric Breakfast Saturday morning and then we plan to scrub our house clean. I'm looking forward to how I'll feel come Sunday when it's all done - peace, cleanliness, a new and happier future.
But I'll always be his friend if he needs me. I'll always love him some because of 17 years with him as my best friend and intimate and because he is the father of my amazing and lovely daughter. I just hope he can find true happiness in his life, too. I wish the best to him.
I think he's relieved because he feels he's out from under the pressure of being a responsible adult family member. He'd allowed himself to simply cop out after he lost his career driving a truck and being miserable not driving, decided it was everyone else's fault. The last three years have been so awful with him constantly angry and constantly disrespectful and yelling - to both our daughter and me - that it has been a huge relief to have him gone. Already, there is a comfort level in our home that feels so good. I can't wait to get the house all cleaned up, my new sheets on the bed (I got an awesome deal at Big Lots on a nice set and I might go get another set at Ross that was only $5.00 more but even more gorgeous!) and settle in to a new and peaceful routine.
Rachel and I start Weight Watchers tonight, go see the last Harry Potter movie tomorrow, go to the church Bishopric Breakfast Saturday morning and then we plan to scrub our house clean. I'm looking forward to how I'll feel come Sunday when it's all done - peace, cleanliness, a new and happier future.
But I'll always be his friend if he needs me. I'll always love him some because of 17 years with him as my best friend and intimate and because he is the father of my amazing and lovely daughter. I just hope he can find true happiness in his life, too. I wish the best to him.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Slipping of Sand
Seventeen years slip away through my fingers
Like sand trickling to the ground
Trodden on and brushed aside
A union, symbolized by a circle
Lies broken with no hope of repair
A testament to an end
I break, at first, with the realization
I cannot go on living this way,
Angry words thrust in my face daily
But then I feel the comfort I have known
The Gift I have been given
And peace fills my heart
It will all be fine and I will find peace
Joy and happiness awaits me
Despite being absent for so long
Let me walk through this troubled water
To the peaceful shore that lies on the other side
And there I will find I am whole again.
Like sand trickling to the ground
Trodden on and brushed aside
A union, symbolized by a circle
Lies broken with no hope of repair
A testament to an end
I break, at first, with the realization
I cannot go on living this way,
Angry words thrust in my face daily
But then I feel the comfort I have known
The Gift I have been given
And peace fills my heart
It will all be fine and I will find peace
Joy and happiness awaits me
Despite being absent for so long
Let me walk through this troubled water
To the peaceful shore that lies on the other side
And there I will find I am whole again.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Sunday is THE Day
Well, Sunday he leaves. I thought it would be harder - and maybe it will be on that actual day - but so far, I just feel strongly that it's the right thing to do. My girl is in the same place and I'll monitor her closely to be sure if that changes, I know and can be there for her.
The truth is, I feel like I can live again when this is all said and done; like I'll be able to take a deep breath and just.....be me. No eggshells to tiptoe over, no careful thought before I speak, no fear of showing my emotions because it might get me mistreated or, at the very least, yelled at (not that yelling is not mistreatment - it is). It's hard to look at my life as having been this way off and on for the whole 17 years, but particularly for the last three. I wanted it to work, though. I held out for as long as I could that he would be the man he'd been for a good deal of our marriage and be good and kind, fun and loving again. But that is not the path he has chosen and so I released him and by doing so, realized I had released myself to be free in my heart and my mind again.
I hope one day, not too long from now, I find my one great and true love - a man who respects me, adores the wife I strive to be and reciprocates those actions, loves my daughter as though he helped create her, promises and covenants with me and is able to keep those promises and covenants, finds it abhorant to ever lie to me, would never dream of not taking financial responsibility, is patient, kind, faithful in his friendships and family relationships and shares my religious beliefs.
I look at that list and think, "Man, am I asking a lot?" I hope I'm not. I hope that's who most men in my church are. I know many who are and I hope there is one out there for me. As my older sister has told me, I've always wanted to be a mama, but I also wanted to be a Mrs. I know I have a lot to offer a good man and when my divorce is final, I hope I can find him - if it be God's will (and I think it is).
The truth is, I feel like I can live again when this is all said and done; like I'll be able to take a deep breath and just.....be me. No eggshells to tiptoe over, no careful thought before I speak, no fear of showing my emotions because it might get me mistreated or, at the very least, yelled at (not that yelling is not mistreatment - it is). It's hard to look at my life as having been this way off and on for the whole 17 years, but particularly for the last three. I wanted it to work, though. I held out for as long as I could that he would be the man he'd been for a good deal of our marriage and be good and kind, fun and loving again. But that is not the path he has chosen and so I released him and by doing so, realized I had released myself to be free in my heart and my mind again.
I hope one day, not too long from now, I find my one great and true love - a man who respects me, adores the wife I strive to be and reciprocates those actions, loves my daughter as though he helped create her, promises and covenants with me and is able to keep those promises and covenants, finds it abhorant to ever lie to me, would never dream of not taking financial responsibility, is patient, kind, faithful in his friendships and family relationships and shares my religious beliefs.
I look at that list and think, "Man, am I asking a lot?" I hope I'm not. I hope that's who most men in my church are. I know many who are and I hope there is one out there for me. As my older sister has told me, I've always wanted to be a mama, but I also wanted to be a Mrs. I know I have a lot to offer a good man and when my divorce is final, I hope I can find him - if it be God's will (and I think it is).
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Where's the Salt
One of my friends posted this on FaceBook. I liked it so much, I decided to post it here:
Friday, July 1, 2011
Trinkets
My sweet daughter wrote a response to this poem on her blog. Read it at:
http://kunabee.blogspot.com/2011/07/re-trinkets.html
Enjoy more of her blog, filled with poetry, here:
http://www.kunabee.blogspot.com/
Never thought it would be this way
Never thought I'd have to say
Good-bye, Love
Never imagined this future alone
Never imagined this deafening tone
A hollow hole in my heart
Couldn't have known it would turn out this way
Wouldn't have wished this, anyway
The options were gone
Watched as dreams broke and fell
Watched while everything turned to hell
Couldn't hold it together alone
Thought it would break me, thought I might die
Felt loved ones embrace me, hold me up high
And I knew I'd survive
And the past began to fade, the future brightened
The burdens on my heart began to lighten
My hopes and dreams rearranged themselves
Into something more amazing
I found the world outside the fear and pain
I found the joy in life again
I found myself - unbroken, after all
I found I could stand alone and not fall
I took the trinkets of my former life
And packed them away out of sight
I set in motion what I'd found new
And found within me what I needed to
http://kunabee.blogspot.com/2011/07/re-trinkets.html
Enjoy more of her blog, filled with poetry, here:
http://www.kunabee.blogspot.com/
Never thought it would be this way
Never thought I'd have to say
Good-bye, Love
Never imagined this future alone
Never imagined this deafening tone
A hollow hole in my heart
Couldn't have known it would turn out this way
Wouldn't have wished this, anyway
The options were gone
Watched as dreams broke and fell
Watched while everything turned to hell
Couldn't hold it together alone
Thought it would break me, thought I might die
Felt loved ones embrace me, hold me up high
And I knew I'd survive
And the past began to fade, the future brightened
The burdens on my heart began to lighten
My hopes and dreams rearranged themselves
Into something more amazing
I found the world outside the fear and pain
I found the joy in life again
I found myself - unbroken, after all
I found I could stand alone and not fall
I took the trinkets of my former life
And packed them away out of sight
I set in motion what I'd found new
And found within me what I needed to
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Certain
In all my life, the one thing I'm certain of is that I cannot protect my daughter from this pain she is enduring. All I can do is hold her. Her poetry says it all:
http://kunabee.blogspot.com/
http://kunabee.blogspot.com/
Monday, June 27, 2011
The Demise of a Marriage
After nearly 17 years of marriage, I have asked him to leave. It's just too much to continue to live with and I'd rather it be just my girl and I than live under this misery any longer.
It wasn't always this way. There were plenty of wonderful times that are etched in my memory but it takes so many more positives to outweigh the negatives. The last two and a half to three years have been very unhappy, almost exclusively. So it is time to move away from this marriage and on to my own so I can rebuild my heart, my self-esteem and my happiness. Thankfully, just making the decision has given me great relief. It's not that I am not grieving the loss, I am. But I also look forward to the peacefulness, the happiness without the constant negatives interjected into things that doesn't need to be there. There are things I will miss, but sadly, they are few at this point.
The hardest part of all? I miss being able to talk to my mom about this whole thing. My sister's and brother's are very supportive and all feel this is a good decision on my part, but I wish I could talk to Mom about it. I've been missing her terribly because of what's going on. Of course, I miss her terribly anyway. So one of my friends suggested I find a quiet time when no one is home and do just what I need to do - talk to her. I'm waiting for that opportunity. I just wish I could hear her talking back to me.
It wasn't always this way. There were plenty of wonderful times that are etched in my memory but it takes so many more positives to outweigh the negatives. The last two and a half to three years have been very unhappy, almost exclusively. So it is time to move away from this marriage and on to my own so I can rebuild my heart, my self-esteem and my happiness. Thankfully, just making the decision has given me great relief. It's not that I am not grieving the loss, I am. But I also look forward to the peacefulness, the happiness without the constant negatives interjected into things that doesn't need to be there. There are things I will miss, but sadly, they are few at this point.
The hardest part of all? I miss being able to talk to my mom about this whole thing. My sister's and brother's are very supportive and all feel this is a good decision on my part, but I wish I could talk to Mom about it. I've been missing her terribly because of what's going on. Of course, I miss her terribly anyway. So one of my friends suggested I find a quiet time when no one is home and do just what I need to do - talk to her. I'm waiting for that opportunity. I just wish I could hear her talking back to me.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Comfort
2 Nephi 4:34-35
Oh Lord, I have trusted in thee and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.
Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever asend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.
I miss my mom. I wish I could speak to her and have her comfort me, too.
Oh Lord, I have trusted in thee and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.
Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever asend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.
I miss my mom. I wish I could speak to her and have her comfort me, too.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Rollercoaster
I find life in the rollercoaster not much of a life. Calm and serene is more my wish and more what I try to create for myself and my daughter. Sometimes, those around us take us through peaks and valleys with no sense of direction themselves. It rocks the boat so no one knows what to expect from one moment to the next. I've lived a long time like that, making excuses for them. But all that does is give them power. So the thing to do is to take back your control. I am taking back my control today. And I'm not letting it go again. Lesson learned, thank you.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Trust
I have always found trust an easy thing to feel. For the most part, people make it easy to trust them - more often than not because they are trustworthy in general. And, of course, when a person breaks that trust, you can simply know to never feel that level of comfort with them again.
But what happens if the person who breaks the trust is someone you are intimately entwined with? How does that lost bond ever heal? The easy answer is that the other party heals it with love and kindness and by humbling themselves. They work hard to be sure you know you can trust them in the future. They understand the seriousness of what they have broken. They walk gently and understand you can't magically trust them again. They think before they act. They make it clear their respect and love for you is their number one priority in your lives.
And if they don't heal it? Then the opposite happens and the relationship dwindles and deteriorates until it is incapable of repair. That happens when the actions of the other person continue to produce stress, fear, tears, and mistrust. I would think this an easy concept. At least easier than many others I can think of. But the offending party would have to be sincere and be able to look outside themselves, with no expectation of if, when or how the trust grows again. They would simply have to be kind.
But as I write this, I realize that the facts would indicate the latter is a person who, in general, is not kind, does not love the other person, does not respect them and cannot find a positive attitude about life in general. And then that relationship isn't really a relationship of love. And the time invested, how ever many years that might be, have been wasted on something for which there is no hope.
I don't think these relatonships begin that way. I think it, sadly, just grows that way. Something or someone became broken and never cared to be whole again. I grieve because of it, but I know there is nothing more I can do. So instead, I do what I must to protect those I love and I severe that relationship with hopes and prayers that it is the right thing to do and that I am protecting us the best I can.
There has been too much pain. Too much fear and hurt and stress. Now we need peace and this is the only way I know to give that to us. Just the two of us...what once was three.
But what happens if the person who breaks the trust is someone you are intimately entwined with? How does that lost bond ever heal? The easy answer is that the other party heals it with love and kindness and by humbling themselves. They work hard to be sure you know you can trust them in the future. They understand the seriousness of what they have broken. They walk gently and understand you can't magically trust them again. They think before they act. They make it clear their respect and love for you is their number one priority in your lives.
And if they don't heal it? Then the opposite happens and the relationship dwindles and deteriorates until it is incapable of repair. That happens when the actions of the other person continue to produce stress, fear, tears, and mistrust. I would think this an easy concept. At least easier than many others I can think of. But the offending party would have to be sincere and be able to look outside themselves, with no expectation of if, when or how the trust grows again. They would simply have to be kind.
But as I write this, I realize that the facts would indicate the latter is a person who, in general, is not kind, does not love the other person, does not respect them and cannot find a positive attitude about life in general. And then that relationship isn't really a relationship of love. And the time invested, how ever many years that might be, have been wasted on something for which there is no hope.
I don't think these relatonships begin that way. I think it, sadly, just grows that way. Something or someone became broken and never cared to be whole again. I grieve because of it, but I know there is nothing more I can do. So instead, I do what I must to protect those I love and I severe that relationship with hopes and prayers that it is the right thing to do and that I am protecting us the best I can.
There has been too much pain. Too much fear and hurt and stress. Now we need peace and this is the only way I know to give that to us. Just the two of us...what once was three.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Mother's Day
I guess it's the firsts that will hurt so much. First day after her death when I awoke and my first thought was that she was gone. The first phone call after I got home to speak to my dad and not her. The first sympathy card. The first comment from a friend. Now Mother's Day is upon us and it will be another first. Already I feel the ache in my heart. Already I feel the loss. And feeling this, I can't imagine how much more difficult it is for my sister, Kandi, who has cared for my parents all these years.
Since I had my daughter, Mother's Day has always been my favorite holiday. Not because mother's are the center of it but because I was given the gift of becoming a mother and my joy in that has been my greatest joy in life. This year, it's hard to feel that same way because my mother is gone from this earth. I know her spirit is with me when I need her. I know her love is there. But I won't hear her voice or see her face or talk to her and make her laugh again until I have moved from this life myself.
My husband asked me what I wanted to do for Mother's Day. I gave a half-hearted answer because nothing feels right. I might just go to church and then go to bed for the rest of the day. At least, that's what I'll feel like doing. But instead I'll smile and love on my sweet little daughter who gave me that joy beyond measure. That's what my mom would do, too.
I'm not sure what to do with the Mother's Day card I'd already bought for you when I couldn't decide between the two I narrowed it down to.
I miss you, Mama. I miss hearing your voice on the phone. I miss sharing things with you, hearing you laugh, listening to the love in your tone when you say you love me and miss me. I love and miss you, too.
Since I had my daughter, Mother's Day has always been my favorite holiday. Not because mother's are the center of it but because I was given the gift of becoming a mother and my joy in that has been my greatest joy in life. This year, it's hard to feel that same way because my mother is gone from this earth. I know her spirit is with me when I need her. I know her love is there. But I won't hear her voice or see her face or talk to her and make her laugh again until I have moved from this life myself.
My husband asked me what I wanted to do for Mother's Day. I gave a half-hearted answer because nothing feels right. I might just go to church and then go to bed for the rest of the day. At least, that's what I'll feel like doing. But instead I'll smile and love on my sweet little daughter who gave me that joy beyond measure. That's what my mom would do, too.
I'm not sure what to do with the Mother's Day card I'd already bought for you when I couldn't decide between the two I narrowed it down to.
I miss you, Mama. I miss hearing your voice on the phone. I miss sharing things with you, hearing you laugh, listening to the love in your tone when you say you love me and miss me. I love and miss you, too.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Motherless
On March 30, 2011 at 2:45 p.m. in Conroe, TX, that is what I became. And every day for the rest of my life, that is what I will be. It has left an empty hole in my heart where she lived.
My mother was an amazing woman. Everyone who knew her spoke of her smile that lit up the room, her kindness, the way she shared her love and her home with anyone and everyone.
My mother was a beautiful woman. Even at 83 years old, she barely had a wrinkle on her peaches and cream skin. She had gorgeous, curly and wavy white hair that was soft as silk to the touch.
My mother was my father's lover and best friend for 65 years of marriage and four years of dating beforehand. The hole in his heart is so much more than I can imagine.
She was remarkable in the way she filled our childhoods with adventure, never let us think we were poor because we always had enough to eat and a roof over our heads, and filled our home with music.
My mother played the piano and my whole childhood is filled with memories of standing around it while she played, singing hymns, Christmas carols, whatever more popular songs we could talk her into playing and old favorites from her youth and earlier life.
My mother smiled her way through life. And I learned from her that this is an excellent survival tool. It makes you feel better and, in most cases, it makes those around you feel better, too. She knew this secret and used it to bring joy to the sorrowful, peace to the weary and hope to the hopeless. All of my school friends loved her. And this is a big reason why.
My mother and I didn't always get along. Her death has made me reflective and turned my thoughts inward. I see some things in myself that remind me of her. And there are some things about her I wish were part of me. I think she made me strong. Some of those difficult things between us when I was young made me capable of coping with parts of my adult life I never imagined. And I feel nothing but love and gratefulness for her being in my life.
There is a story of our travel to Texas after Kandi called to say, "Come now," and what occurred leading up to the moment of her death. But though I have attempted to write it, I find it too personal to publish on my blog (despite a small readership). Those intimate details, of tearful, softly spoken words, whispered secrets, coping skills or lack thereof are only for those of us who were there, sharing in this heartbreak together.
What I will tell you is that I wish I had been a better daughter. I know I am who I am and living so far apart made that difficult, but I wish I'd had the opportunity to be a better daughter. I will tell you that Kandi has been the very best of all of my mother's children in how she cared for my parents, and continues to care for my father. I will tell you that I am eternally grateful that we arrived before she passed away so that I could feel her hand in mine, touch her, kiss her and whisper words I needed to say to her. I am so grateful we didn't wait until after as initially planned, that I can't even express how much it ultimately meant to me to be there. I had not expected that. Now I know I HAD to be there. And I will tell you that I want to be a better person than I was before all this because of this great and painful loss.
The truth is, I lost my mother about a year or so ago. Her body weakening caused her mind to weaken, too, and I no longer had her to call and listen to me when I sorrowed or had concerns I needed to share. My mother was the first person I called when I got pregnant with my daughter, Rachel. She was also the first person I called with my five subsequent pregnancies and the miscarriages that followed each one. I knew that because of her first child being stillborn, she could understand my sorrow. I knew that like me, she had always wanted to be a mother and wife. She was blessed with five surviving children and then later adopted Judy in every way but officially. My mother knew how to love and that is what she did. So when her mind changed so drastically, I only called with funny stories about our pets or happy accomplishments of her granddaughter's or when I got my jobs after being a stay-at-home mom for more than ten years. She was always so proud of me, of Rachel, of Jay. I did not call her when my marriage fell apart last November and we separated for a little while. I didn't tell her how hard it was to pick up all the pieces and make our marriage good again. I just told her everything was fine. And it was so hard not to have her there. But now she knows all the details, knows we are still working at it, because I know she watches out for us. So when we had to put our dog down a few days ago, on April 20th, I spoke to her while I cried in the shower - my place to do that so I don't worry my daughter or stress my husband - and I know she heard me and mourned with me. So in a way, I guess I do have her back.
My mother was an amazing woman. Everyone who knew her spoke of her smile that lit up the room, her kindness, the way she shared her love and her home with anyone and everyone.
My mother was a beautiful woman. Even at 83 years old, she barely had a wrinkle on her peaches and cream skin. She had gorgeous, curly and wavy white hair that was soft as silk to the touch.
My mother was my father's lover and best friend for 65 years of marriage and four years of dating beforehand. The hole in his heart is so much more than I can imagine.
She was remarkable in the way she filled our childhoods with adventure, never let us think we were poor because we always had enough to eat and a roof over our heads, and filled our home with music.
My mother played the piano and my whole childhood is filled with memories of standing around it while she played, singing hymns, Christmas carols, whatever more popular songs we could talk her into playing and old favorites from her youth and earlier life.
My mother smiled her way through life. And I learned from her that this is an excellent survival tool. It makes you feel better and, in most cases, it makes those around you feel better, too. She knew this secret and used it to bring joy to the sorrowful, peace to the weary and hope to the hopeless. All of my school friends loved her. And this is a big reason why.
My mother and I didn't always get along. Her death has made me reflective and turned my thoughts inward. I see some things in myself that remind me of her. And there are some things about her I wish were part of me. I think she made me strong. Some of those difficult things between us when I was young made me capable of coping with parts of my adult life I never imagined. And I feel nothing but love and gratefulness for her being in my life.
There is a story of our travel to Texas after Kandi called to say, "Come now," and what occurred leading up to the moment of her death. But though I have attempted to write it, I find it too personal to publish on my blog (despite a small readership). Those intimate details, of tearful, softly spoken words, whispered secrets, coping skills or lack thereof are only for those of us who were there, sharing in this heartbreak together.
What I will tell you is that I wish I had been a better daughter. I know I am who I am and living so far apart made that difficult, but I wish I'd had the opportunity to be a better daughter. I will tell you that Kandi has been the very best of all of my mother's children in how she cared for my parents, and continues to care for my father. I will tell you that I am eternally grateful that we arrived before she passed away so that I could feel her hand in mine, touch her, kiss her and whisper words I needed to say to her. I am so grateful we didn't wait until after as initially planned, that I can't even express how much it ultimately meant to me to be there. I had not expected that. Now I know I HAD to be there. And I will tell you that I want to be a better person than I was before all this because of this great and painful loss.
The truth is, I lost my mother about a year or so ago. Her body weakening caused her mind to weaken, too, and I no longer had her to call and listen to me when I sorrowed or had concerns I needed to share. My mother was the first person I called when I got pregnant with my daughter, Rachel. She was also the first person I called with my five subsequent pregnancies and the miscarriages that followed each one. I knew that because of her first child being stillborn, she could understand my sorrow. I knew that like me, she had always wanted to be a mother and wife. She was blessed with five surviving children and then later adopted Judy in every way but officially. My mother knew how to love and that is what she did. So when her mind changed so drastically, I only called with funny stories about our pets or happy accomplishments of her granddaughter's or when I got my jobs after being a stay-at-home mom for more than ten years. She was always so proud of me, of Rachel, of Jay. I did not call her when my marriage fell apart last November and we separated for a little while. I didn't tell her how hard it was to pick up all the pieces and make our marriage good again. I just told her everything was fine. And it was so hard not to have her there. But now she knows all the details, knows we are still working at it, because I know she watches out for us. So when we had to put our dog down a few days ago, on April 20th, I spoke to her while I cried in the shower - my place to do that so I don't worry my daughter or stress my husband - and I know she heard me and mourned with me. So in a way, I guess I do have her back.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Mom
Writing soothes my soul. And right now, I very much need that. My parents have been going downhill, coming to the end of their lives, for a couple of years now. But just two days ago, my mother began a fever and now lies unresponsive, eyes closed, in bed. It will not be long.
In so many ways I think I am not ready. But at the same time, I know she is. She's been in a lot of pain for a long time, worse now because of bed sores that will never heal. Her back and neck cause her pain, too. It is her time.
My dad sits at her side and cries, talks to her, loves her the way he has for their 64 years of marriage and the four years prior to that. They met at the age of 15, got engaged at 16 and married at 19. Their only separations where when my father did his tours of duty in Korea and Vietnam during those wars. I cannot imagine my dad being without her.
Today, I called my brother, Kim, who is with her and he put his phone to her ear. I told her how much I loved her, what a wonderful mother she has been, how I have so many fond memories of shopping with her, laughing, talking and the support she always gave me. And I gave her my permission to go. I told her we would all be all right, we would take care of Dad and that it was okay for her to go.
She got a blessing today, too. My brother, who has been inactive for many years, was asked to join in. He needed this, too, as a way to provide a special service to my mother. It was a deeply spiritual experience for him. I am grateful that Heavenly Father directed my parent's home teacher to ask Kim to assist him.
People are rallying around. My mother's church is beginning to respond with love and support of all kinds - both to my parents and to my siblings who are already there in Texas. I said my good-byes at my visit in June. I will wait until she has passed to go. I asked my brother, Kim, if I was doing the right thing because I want to be there for my sister, Kandi, who has been the one caring for them these last few years, after. He said yes, so I feel even more confident that I should go then. I wish I could afford to be there now and then stay on a week to help Kandi, but that's not the reality of my life. So I said my good-bye on the phone today and back in June and I know I will see her again one day.
I wish I could speak my whole heart - but I fear drowning in the emotions, here in the world where I have to do what I have to do each day. This post doesn't really speak my heart. But it says what I need it to say for now.
If you are reading and pray, please pray for a peaceful transition for her, for peace for my dad and comfort for us all during this difficult time.
In so many ways I think I am not ready. But at the same time, I know she is. She's been in a lot of pain for a long time, worse now because of bed sores that will never heal. Her back and neck cause her pain, too. It is her time.
My dad sits at her side and cries, talks to her, loves her the way he has for their 64 years of marriage and the four years prior to that. They met at the age of 15, got engaged at 16 and married at 19. Their only separations where when my father did his tours of duty in Korea and Vietnam during those wars. I cannot imagine my dad being without her.
Today, I called my brother, Kim, who is with her and he put his phone to her ear. I told her how much I loved her, what a wonderful mother she has been, how I have so many fond memories of shopping with her, laughing, talking and the support she always gave me. And I gave her my permission to go. I told her we would all be all right, we would take care of Dad and that it was okay for her to go.
She got a blessing today, too. My brother, who has been inactive for many years, was asked to join in. He needed this, too, as a way to provide a special service to my mother. It was a deeply spiritual experience for him. I am grateful that Heavenly Father directed my parent's home teacher to ask Kim to assist him.
People are rallying around. My mother's church is beginning to respond with love and support of all kinds - both to my parents and to my siblings who are already there in Texas. I said my good-byes at my visit in June. I will wait until she has passed to go. I asked my brother, Kim, if I was doing the right thing because I want to be there for my sister, Kandi, who has been the one caring for them these last few years, after. He said yes, so I feel even more confident that I should go then. I wish I could afford to be there now and then stay on a week to help Kandi, but that's not the reality of my life. So I said my good-bye on the phone today and back in June and I know I will see her again one day.
I wish I could speak my whole heart - but I fear drowning in the emotions, here in the world where I have to do what I have to do each day. This post doesn't really speak my heart. But it says what I need it to say for now.
If you are reading and pray, please pray for a peaceful transition for her, for peace for my dad and comfort for us all during this difficult time.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Saying What Should Be Said
I have a brother-in-law, Javad, of whom I am quite fond. He is married to my younger sister. They have two beatiful boys whom I adore and I am proud of the fact that he really is a rocket scientist. Of course, I'm proud of my sister, a dean of graduate students and associate VP at the State college where she works, too.
I think what made me first really take notice of Javad, who he is as a man, was how kind and respectful he was to my parents. They always lived across the hall from each other in apartments or shared a house with a basement apartment or, in these last 12 years or so, had them living in their home until my parents required a nursing home. All that time, he treated them with respect and took a step back when necessary to maintain peace. I don't think he gets a lot of credit for that in our extended family. And I don't think it was always easy because he was up against some hard-headed folks, I can tell you. But he appreciated the help they gave while they were healthy enough to do so and then he returned the favor by helping Kandi care for them when they could no longer care for themselves. Certainly, there were pluses on both sides. Kandi and Javad had child care for their boys whenever they needed it and the boys got the extra attention and love that only grandparents (or those wonderful, dear friends who step in to act as such) can provide to children. When Mom and Dad could no longer care for themselves, became a danger to themselves, Kandi and Javad found a lovely place for them to live where they are well cared for. Kandi visits regularly and makes sure the care they get is the very best possible.
Now that my parents are nearing the end of their lives and my mom is actually dying, Javad supports Kandi through this transition that I wish I could be there to help her with. This experience will be hardest on her. She has been closest to them, lived with them ALWAYS, watched her children attach to them and has endured watching them fade from who they once where to the confused and sickly elderly people they now are. On my last visit, Javad quietly asked me to be sure I could get there when it happens, that Kandi would need me. And I promised to do so. I'm working all the hours I can so I can come to her without losing any pay from my job and I am beginning to build a savings account again so that I can afford to come and stay a little while to help her manage.
I am grateful for my faith which allows me to know that my parents will be in a place where they will feel no pain, can move freely, can watch over us here on earth and will see their infant son who was not able to take a single breath while on this earth. He waits for them to raise him in a heavenly home. I know my sister will be blessed for all she has done for them - all the difficult, heart-wrenching decisions she has had to make. She will be held most high for this prolonged and great sacrafice she has made. And so will Javad for never failing her in his support and the respect and kindness he offered them. I pray always for them to endure this well and to have the strength to carry on to the end. And I know they will.
So, to my sister and her husband, thank you for all you have done. It will not be forgotten - not by me and not by our parents when their minds are once again whole.
I think what made me first really take notice of Javad, who he is as a man, was how kind and respectful he was to my parents. They always lived across the hall from each other in apartments or shared a house with a basement apartment or, in these last 12 years or so, had them living in their home until my parents required a nursing home. All that time, he treated them with respect and took a step back when necessary to maintain peace. I don't think he gets a lot of credit for that in our extended family. And I don't think it was always easy because he was up against some hard-headed folks, I can tell you. But he appreciated the help they gave while they were healthy enough to do so and then he returned the favor by helping Kandi care for them when they could no longer care for themselves. Certainly, there were pluses on both sides. Kandi and Javad had child care for their boys whenever they needed it and the boys got the extra attention and love that only grandparents (or those wonderful, dear friends who step in to act as such) can provide to children. When Mom and Dad could no longer care for themselves, became a danger to themselves, Kandi and Javad found a lovely place for them to live where they are well cared for. Kandi visits regularly and makes sure the care they get is the very best possible.
Now that my parents are nearing the end of their lives and my mom is actually dying, Javad supports Kandi through this transition that I wish I could be there to help her with. This experience will be hardest on her. She has been closest to them, lived with them ALWAYS, watched her children attach to them and has endured watching them fade from who they once where to the confused and sickly elderly people they now are. On my last visit, Javad quietly asked me to be sure I could get there when it happens, that Kandi would need me. And I promised to do so. I'm working all the hours I can so I can come to her without losing any pay from my job and I am beginning to build a savings account again so that I can afford to come and stay a little while to help her manage.
I am grateful for my faith which allows me to know that my parents will be in a place where they will feel no pain, can move freely, can watch over us here on earth and will see their infant son who was not able to take a single breath while on this earth. He waits for them to raise him in a heavenly home. I know my sister will be blessed for all she has done for them - all the difficult, heart-wrenching decisions she has had to make. She will be held most high for this prolonged and great sacrafice she has made. And so will Javad for never failing her in his support and the respect and kindness he offered them. I pray always for them to endure this well and to have the strength to carry on to the end. And I know they will.
So, to my sister and her husband, thank you for all you have done. It will not be forgotten - not by me and not by our parents when their minds are once again whole.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Losing Them
Both my parents are in a nursing home - together, thankfully. But both suffer from dementia and speaking over the phone, because they live in Texas now, is difficult, at best. My dad can barely string a sentence together. In fact, it often consists of the simply phrase, "That's good, that thing, yeah." My mother is difficult to understand over the phone as she slurs her words from Parkinson's disease. Now she's bedridden, too, and barely taking any food. My sister's been told that soon she will not take any food and will just drink. Then she will just sip and eventually take nothing at all. It's just a matter of time.
On the one hand, this will be a blessing as my parents have little quality of life. On the other hand, we're talking about losing my parents, and despite the diffcult relationship growing up, it has been so much better as an adult. I already miss talking to my mom. When my marriage nearly ended, I didn't have her to talk to. With my daughter's new challenges, I cannot share them with her. She doesn't remember or understand, really. I just tell her everything is good for us all the time. I know what is best in my mind. Now if my heart could just move there with it.
On the one hand, this will be a blessing as my parents have little quality of life. On the other hand, we're talking about losing my parents, and despite the diffcult relationship growing up, it has been so much better as an adult. I already miss talking to my mom. When my marriage nearly ended, I didn't have her to talk to. With my daughter's new challenges, I cannot share them with her. She doesn't remember or understand, really. I just tell her everything is good for us all the time. I know what is best in my mind. Now if my heart could just move there with it.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Old Friends
I just spent the last 2 & 1/2 hours reminiscing with my oldest, best friend on the phone tonight. We've been friends since we were fourteen years old and there are a lot of memories - fun, funny and not so wonderful. We were talking about our junior high school math teacher, Mr. Taylor, and how we tortured the poor man. One of the cowboys (I grew up in the sticks), after the teacher walked out of the room for a moment, climbed out the second floor window and was hanging on the ledge by his fingers. Mr. Taylor came in and asked where he was. The classes were small in my hometown of 3,000 back then. Suddenly, we heard a yell, a thump and then a groan as Bert slipped and landed on his back, knocking the wind out of himself. We all ran to the window cracking up. Of course, he was fine once he caught his breath.
Another student, Scotty, was really tiny. He was a willing participant as everyone liked him and no one would have been mean to him. We put him in the cabinet of an old china cabinet in the room which held books on the top shelves and nothing in the one cabinet on the bottom left. When Mr. Taylor returned to the room and asked where Scotty was, you could hear a quiet little voice saying, "Help me! Help me!" Needless to say, Mr. Taylor was not amused.
We didn't stop there with our torture of this poor man who was just trying to make a living and actually likely expected he would enjoy teaching children. Sadly, he got the wrong class with us. My best friend, Laurie, drew kissing lips on his wooden chair at his desk with lipstick (again while he stepped out of the room - you'd think he would learn and never leave us). Since it was the 70's and light brownish corduroy was actually in style, this act did not bode well for him. Ever faithful in his trust in us, believing we would get better, he never checked his seat before sitting down and walked around for a good part of the rest of the day with those lip marks on his backside. He never even felt the tacks she put there one day. Not stopping there, Laurie also once poked him in the butt when he was bent over helping someone, then when he turned to yell at her, she acted like she'd been looking away and didn't even realize what she'd done. Not that he fell for that.
As you can imagine, his frustration with us grew each passing, down-right hellish day he spent as our teacher. When he got angry, which was often, he would clap his hands and stomp one foot in rhythm while he yelled something like, "I'm sick and tired of the behavior in this class!" Our response, little darlings that we were? We clapped our hands and stomped our feet with him.
I don't know why he never turned us in to the principal. Maybe he was embarrassed that we were so awful in his class. Maybe he felt like it was his fault. Of course, it wasn't. We were just absolute terrors. If my daughter were to behave this way, she would never do so again because her punishment would be severe. Then again, my daughter NEVER WOULD behave this way. Thank goodness.
The last part of this story begins in my 9th grade year. I was forced, by my parents, to take Algebra. There were five of us in the class (yes, I said 5). Guess who the teacher was? He smiled as the others entered the room and when I did, his face visibly dropped. I quickly muttered, "Sorry about the last two year" and went to my seat. I behaved well and we ended up having a pretty good year. He helped me make it through that class, math-hater that I was (my daughter gets it honestly) and I remained respectful thereafter.
I just blame the rotten years on Laurie. (whispers) Don't tell her I said that.......
Another student, Scotty, was really tiny. He was a willing participant as everyone liked him and no one would have been mean to him. We put him in the cabinet of an old china cabinet in the room which held books on the top shelves and nothing in the one cabinet on the bottom left. When Mr. Taylor returned to the room and asked where Scotty was, you could hear a quiet little voice saying, "Help me! Help me!" Needless to say, Mr. Taylor was not amused.
We didn't stop there with our torture of this poor man who was just trying to make a living and actually likely expected he would enjoy teaching children. Sadly, he got the wrong class with us. My best friend, Laurie, drew kissing lips on his wooden chair at his desk with lipstick (again while he stepped out of the room - you'd think he would learn and never leave us). Since it was the 70's and light brownish corduroy was actually in style, this act did not bode well for him. Ever faithful in his trust in us, believing we would get better, he never checked his seat before sitting down and walked around for a good part of the rest of the day with those lip marks on his backside. He never even felt the tacks she put there one day. Not stopping there, Laurie also once poked him in the butt when he was bent over helping someone, then when he turned to yell at her, she acted like she'd been looking away and didn't even realize what she'd done. Not that he fell for that.
As you can imagine, his frustration with us grew each passing, down-right hellish day he spent as our teacher. When he got angry, which was often, he would clap his hands and stomp one foot in rhythm while he yelled something like, "I'm sick and tired of the behavior in this class!" Our response, little darlings that we were? We clapped our hands and stomped our feet with him.
I don't know why he never turned us in to the principal. Maybe he was embarrassed that we were so awful in his class. Maybe he felt like it was his fault. Of course, it wasn't. We were just absolute terrors. If my daughter were to behave this way, she would never do so again because her punishment would be severe. Then again, my daughter NEVER WOULD behave this way. Thank goodness.
The last part of this story begins in my 9th grade year. I was forced, by my parents, to take Algebra. There were five of us in the class (yes, I said 5). Guess who the teacher was? He smiled as the others entered the room and when I did, his face visibly dropped. I quickly muttered, "Sorry about the last two year" and went to my seat. I behaved well and we ended up having a pretty good year. He helped me make it through that class, math-hater that I was (my daughter gets it honestly) and I remained respectful thereafter.
I just blame the rotten years on Laurie. (whispers) Don't tell her I said that.......
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Christmas Cardinal
For quite a while now, Jay's been encouraging me to post my Christmas story that I wrote to go with a gift I gave. Though I love to write and am working on a teen novel, being unpublished to date makes me fickle about my talent. However, he gives me some great support. So, I'm following his advice (I'm sure he'll pass out when he reads that).
The Christmas Cardinal
My grandmother was always an avid bird watcher. The yard of her house and her entire porch was filled with bird feeders to attract them. She loved to tell about the beautiful cardinals that had been her favorite since she was a child in Illinois. However, after she and my grandfather married, he moved them to Wyoming and she hadn’t seen a cardinal in all the years she’d lived here. Still, she told my brothers and me about the male’s scarlet feathers and black-masked faces. She explained their spectacular red color symbolized hope and was a reminder for us to focus on our faith, their plumage a representation of the blood of Christ shed for the redemption of mankind.
As a writer, she often told us stories she had created herself as if they were fact, so to this day I cannot say if this particular story was truth, legend or her own tale.
A young man chose to leave his home and set out to see the world. He traveled far and wide, learning about new cultures and getting to know the people and their customs, learning new languages and skills from different parts of the world. Wherever he went, he tried to find some common reminder of his homeland.
After many years, he grew homesick and decided he would return to see his family. In those days, there were no cars or trains, no public transportation. One had to get from place to place on foot or, if he were lucky, a horse. But as he had amassed no great fortune, it was his fate to travel on foot. As he arrived within miles of his home, a great blizzard blew up and he could scarcely see his hand in front of his face. He thought he would never find the little cabin in the woods where he knew a warm fire and loved ones would be. He trudged on, growing more and more fatigued and hopeless with each passing moment. He thought he might try to build a shelter, but the force of the storm was so great, he was certain he would freeze to death should he stop for even a moment. As he felt the last bit of his strength wane, he caught a glimpse of red in the corner of his eye and looked to see a majestic cardinal flitting in the tree just before him.
“Lead me home, little bird,” he cried out and thought for certain the cardinal looked directly at him as it began to move forward, from branch to branch. “What have I got to lose?” he thought to himself and began to follow the bird. This went on for some time, his burden of exhaustion lifted by the familiar sight of a beloved creature from his homeland. But in time, his body simply began to give in to fatigue.
Just as he once again began to give up all hope, the smell of a wood-burning fire reached his nostrils. He tried in vain to see ahead, but the heavy snowfall was too thick. The bird continued forward and so did he, knowing now that if he were not close to his own home, he was surely close to someone’s and there he would find shelter. Soon, he was close enough to see a rough outline of a building, though too obscured by the snow to determine anything familiar about it. As he was about to step up on the small porch, the bird rested in a branch of a tree beside it and the door to the cabin swung open. Out stepped an old man and woman and he immediately recognized his own mother and father. The man fell into their arms and the family celebrated a long-awaited reunion and a tearful Christmas Eve that night.
Last year, near this special holiday season, Grandmother passed away and although we still lived in a place where none of us had ever seen a cardinal, he came to her that very night and, my brother’s and I believe, led her home to her Heavenly Father.
End
The ironic part of this story is that my sister-in-law mentioned that my own mother, as she lay in the hospital about to go to surgery, believed she saw a cardinal at her window (that no one else had seen). She was born and raised in Indiana where, indeed, there are cardinals and she is a bird lover. Now that she will be bedridden and both my parent's journey toward the end of their lives, I guess a part of me hopes that when the time comes, her own cardinal will lead her home.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The Twilight/Mormon Connection
Most movies don't really stick in my head - unless they are exceptional and those are rare. So I decided to order the two Twilight series movies I'd seen before and then the third one, which Rachel has seen but Jay and I hadn't. Thanks to Netflix, it was just a matter of time between each one. We watched the latest one last night. There is a scene where little psychotic Bella goes home to visit her mom in Florida. After a heart to heart talk between them (while, of course, stalker Edward listens and watches from inside) mom brings out a graduation gift for her. And here it is, the obvious Twilight/Mormon connection:
Mom has made a quilt for Bella out of all their old "trip" tee shirts!
How Molly Mormon is that? Oh yeah, an LDS woman definitely wrote these books.
Mom has made a quilt for Bella out of all their old "trip" tee shirts!
How Molly Mormon is that? Oh yeah, an LDS woman definitely wrote these books.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Wii and the Serial Killers
We bought a Wii last April. It was for me, something I wanted very much. I rarely spend that kind of money on myself. But I thought, what the heck! So we got one with our tax return. We created our lookalike Mii's but one day I decided to get creative and that's where our story of the serial killers begins:
I created Shankskill, a Mii who is very menacing - so much so that Rachel will say, "Mama, Shankskill is freaking me out! He's watching me play......" In response to her fear (because I am the best parent ever!), we decided Shankskill needed a family and so his wife, Killian, was created. Being a family man, we gave him Killbert and Killeen for kids and some sordid story about an affair with another Mii I created, Magnolia (who is married to Rocky - created by Jay), and their love child, Kylie (which Rachel created). The funny part is Rachel came up with the affair idea to give Shankskill a reason to kill. Just when I was going to start talking up the righteousness of playing Wii on the Sabbath, too. Bummer.
I created Shankskill, a Mii who is very menacing - so much so that Rachel will say, "Mama, Shankskill is freaking me out! He's watching me play......" In response to her fear (because I am the best parent ever!), we decided Shankskill needed a family and so his wife, Killian, was created. Being a family man, we gave him Killbert and Killeen for kids and some sordid story about an affair with another Mii I created, Magnolia (who is married to Rocky - created by Jay), and their love child, Kylie (which Rachel created). The funny part is Rachel came up with the affair idea to give Shankskill a reason to kill. Just when I was going to start talking up the righteousness of playing Wii on the Sabbath, too. Bummer.
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