Here and There and...Where???

It's hard to post when I don't know what I'm feeling.  Not just about the marriage but there are a lot of difficult things right now.

Most everyone I've been around says I look really good - not just some weight loss, but my countenance.  That's understandable having had so much stress lifted off me on a daily basis and having a chance to heal.  At the same time, I feel a little anxious about whether or not I'm doing right by Rachel.  She's going through a lot of stuff right now - stuff I can't help with, stuff that's passed on from both example and, I think, genes.  I think just seeing a therapist alone isn't going to do the trick.  I think she won't be able to be happy until she's on some medication and I worry that her therapist -whom I like and appreciate and do trust - will not go in that direction.  She's very holistic in her views but I think what I see at home is more of an indicator than what she gets in a session.  And the part that's the hardest for me to accept is how difficult I'm finding it to deal with this.

I love my daugther more than my own life.  She is the greatest joy in my life.  She is the sunshine in the darkest days.  But right now, I feel......resentful, I think.....I'm not really sure.  But I guess maybe put out that I'm dealing with the same stuff I dealt with in my marriage and just got free of.  I can't even begin to express the amount of guilt I feel for this.  I know she can't just fix herself and she's a teen and some of it is just being a teen.  But I know some of it is depression, anxiety, stress that she isn't able to manage on her own and I feel pulled in two different directions.

Do I push the issue of meds and just take her to a shrink to have that addressed?  Do I give the therapy more time and hope she doesn't drop into despair?  Do I just pray and have faith it will all work out?  I don't know what to do and although I greatly admire and love our new Bishop, he's not the one who has guided me through all this stuff so far and not who I felt like I could just poor my heart out to.  So I don't feel like I have a comfortable source for guideance - which I greatly relied on with my previous Bishop. 

What do I do?  What do I do?  I'm so afraid of messing this up and this is everything.  This is my whole life, my whole heart in this child of mine.  What if I do the wrong thing?  What if I don't act at the right time with the right choice?  What if there is nothing I CAN do?  I feel so afraid right now.  I wish Heavenly Father would just send me the answer.  I just need someone else to answer this for me becaus I just don't know what to do.          

Homecoming

He's coming home tomorrow for a few days and my feelings about it are all over the place.  I see in my daughter's face, in her heart, how much she needs to see him.  And I feel this....fear, maybe....or concern or something I can't name about how I will feel over the whole thing.  There is a little excitement in me, too.  Lately, I've needed him - to talk to about some difficult issues that have gone on - and realize how much I miss having a companion to share the tough things with.  I look forward to talking face to face.  But I am scared.  I don't want to feel too much or too....hard.  I want to stay in a place where I can keep my head about me because whether or not we one day get back together, it is far in the future.  He needs to look inside for a while, to become better and stronger.  And I need to grow independent again, grow confident in myself again.  So it's a little scary.

We are still husband and wife.  I still love him.  I know some people say they hate the people they were once married to, and maybe it's because we're still married so those vows are still in place, but I still feel that love for him.  The path we are on is the right one.  Where it will ultimately lead is the question.  And I don't know.  It will just take time.  And until then, we'll do our best to be good to each other, to be there for each other and show our daughter how much she means to us both.  After all, she comes first in all this, only after God Himself.