I don't like rollercoasters. They scare me and make me feel sick and since I have struggled with vertigo, there is no way I'd willingly step on one. But that's what my marriage has been for a long time. Maybe always - but my memory seems to be uncertain as I desire to remember the good parts more than the difficult or bad ones.
We've talked on the phone, cried together, talked some more. Where we will end up is an unknown. For me, I still feel certain we are on the road to eventual divorce. I cannot imagine trusting him again to be kind or to remain decent in his dealings with me. But I also can't forever turn my back on him. You see, I have this annoying remaining feeling for him called love. Certainly, it's much, much less than it was during the good times of our marriage and even less than during most of the bad times. There is little to no opportunity for it to grow again. And that's what I prefer. I have made my choice. But as the saying goes, never say never.
I dream of dating one day again, finding someone whose testimony in our faith is at least as strong as mine, but preferrably stronger than my own so that he would lead our family as a priesthood holder. I desire to feel completely and utterly loved for who I am, without constant conditions set upon me. I hope to find a kind face, a gentle touch, a pure love of Christ. These things I seek in a man and may or may not ever find. But I know they are out there. I have met some, though already taken in marriage. Their goodness and solid belief in their faith is such a reassurance to me. I know there are others out there who are the same and looking for another themselves.
Still, I wonder if my fate is to wait out Jay's sorting - which could take years - and then never have those desired feelings that would bring me peace.
Don't get me wrong. I have no intention of not following through with my plans. I am stronger now and know that I can manage alone. And I never again want my home invaded by the darkness that lived here before he left. All I know is I can't give up on him. You just never know and I want to support him, even without plans to reunite, so that he can find peace and happiness within himself for his own future.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
A Dedicated Home
Tonight, our very wonderful home teacher came by to check on us. It is the day after a nasty phone call from Jay and so it was nice to have the priesthood in our home. But after some discussions and some thoughts and suggestions from him and then a blessing for Rachel to help her start the school year, he felt impressed to dedicate our home.
We have NEVER lived in a dedicated home. Jay never used the power of his priesthood for things like that. It was difficult to get him to give a blessing at all. I understand why now; he knew he wasn't really worthy. So our home was without that special blessing for a long time.
So in his prayer, the moment he spoke the words that he dedicated our home, Rachel and I both began to cry. For those who are not members of the church, this meant that a blessing and prayer was placed over our home - to keep us and it safe, to have the Holy Spirit within these walls, to bless us with peace and happiness here. The powerful Spirit that was present nearly took my breath away and I am so grateful to Doug for his sweet words and how in tune he is with the Spirit that he was able to realize our need and offer to remedy it. What a calm and good feeling dwells within the walls of our home tonight.
Thank you, Doug, for being the wonderful person you are. Cheri is a very lucky woman.
We have NEVER lived in a dedicated home. Jay never used the power of his priesthood for things like that. It was difficult to get him to give a blessing at all. I understand why now; he knew he wasn't really worthy. So our home was without that special blessing for a long time.
So in his prayer, the moment he spoke the words that he dedicated our home, Rachel and I both began to cry. For those who are not members of the church, this meant that a blessing and prayer was placed over our home - to keep us and it safe, to have the Holy Spirit within these walls, to bless us with peace and happiness here. The powerful Spirit that was present nearly took my breath away and I am so grateful to Doug for his sweet words and how in tune he is with the Spirit that he was able to realize our need and offer to remedy it. What a calm and good feeling dwells within the walls of our home tonight.
Thank you, Doug, for being the wonderful person you are. Cheri is a very lucky woman.
Wounded
The wounds of my heart were open for so long,
Left bleeding and aching for what was gone.
But these three long years have not been for nothing.
I've grown stronger and wiser and found hope
For the future that looks brighter with each passing day
Because I found my own value,
On my own and without his say.
I know who and what I am in my heart.
I've come through the fire and found a fresh start
And learned how to hang on in this world filled with struggles.
I don't know what happened to change him so,
Or maybe I thought he was something more and was wrong.
I know what matters in this life and after
My faith has been what's kept me from sinking
My family has been my foundation and helped me take courage
Whatever the future, I know I'll be at peace
I've done the right thing and it's keeping us safe.
Left bleeding and aching for what was gone.
But these three long years have not been for nothing.
I've grown stronger and wiser and found hope
For the future that looks brighter with each passing day
Because I found my own value,
On my own and without his say.
I know who and what I am in my heart.
I've come through the fire and found a fresh start
And learned how to hang on in this world filled with struggles.
I don't know what happened to change him so,
Or maybe I thought he was something more and was wrong.
I know what matters in this life and after
My faith has been what's kept me from sinking
My family has been my foundation and helped me take courage
Whatever the future, I know I'll be at peace
I've done the right thing and it's keeping us safe.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Invading My Dreams
I dreamt about him last night. Not something sweet or that I'd want to revisit. No, instead he had somehow gotten into the house and decorated with all this stuff that was nothing I would ever choose. My sense was he knew that and was testing me to see if my heart was still in the same place - the place that ended our marriage. It was. I told him to take it all down. I said it nicely, a bit of trepidation in my actions; will he get angry and throw things? Will he scream? But he only mentioned how one item that he 'really' thought I'd like was broken. I said to put it back in the box and take it back, then asked if he still had the box. "It didn't come in a box," he responded, but I felt hidden meaning in that exchange.
There was also a woman he'd brought with him who was helping him. At first, I thought I knew her - but no, she was a stranger. And I didn't like a stranger in my home, putting things up as if she lived here. I was irritated, insulted and remembered the numerous reasons I ended this marriage. I did so I would never have to be afraid or concerned about someones reaction to something again - you should never 'fear' someone else's behavior because if you do, something is wrong about it. Also, so that I never again had to accept something I was completely against just to keep the peace. That's not to say I wouldn't compromise. I have always compromised, knowing this is the best way to allow everyone happiness - if they want to be happy. And because of an issue of trust. If you cannot trust your spouse, everything else will fall apart. And I have not trusted him - in many areas - in a very long time. Mostly because he failed me in that aspect of our marriage. Yes, I know he loved me (still does, as I do him). Yes, I know he tried sometimes. Yes, I know he wished he could change some of the things he'd allowed himself to do. But too much was missing or wrong and it lead to the end because they were the most important pieces. Faithfulness, kindness, humility, the desire to make your spouse happy - he had allowed these things to drift away, never to return. And if they don't go both ways, the relationship dies.
In a way, I believe he is relieved to be rid of the responsibility that came with being a part of a family. Although I know there is plenty his misses about having one, he also was done with taking responsibility for us. I'm not talking just financially, either. I mean responsibility of the heart.
But in the same breath, I am relieved to be rid of the constant struggle to keep the peace in an impossible situation. There was no way, regardless of what I did, that I could keep the peace, make him happy or relieve whatever self-doubt and self-loathing he carried. He feared a certain future and he then spent the last five years creating it.
Now there is peace in this household. Now my daughter and I are unafraid, comfortable, relaxed in a way that shows on our faces and in our hearts.
I miss him from time to time, when certain things happen in the family. I miss sharing some things and I miss having another to worry with me about things. Right now, he is far removed from us, though. He's always been very selfish, but now he doesn't have to look us in the eye. In a phone call today, I was told I shouldn't expect more than $100.00 a week for the next 4 weeks. That's going to make things very difficult financially for us. And I'm a little angry about it. There are still bills here, expenses for our child, that he is responsible for and now, he's cut back even further what he will contribute. But until I do something through the courts - file for child support - there is nothing I can do about it. I suspect, based on what his income will be, I will get at least a couple hundred more a month through legal child support. So if the tide doesn't change in 4 weeks, that will be my next step. The saddest part, his daughter knows he cares more for himself than her and so she doesn't even care if she speaks to him or sees him. I hope, for both their sakes, he changes his behavior and does right by us. Only time will tell.
There was also a woman he'd brought with him who was helping him. At first, I thought I knew her - but no, she was a stranger. And I didn't like a stranger in my home, putting things up as if she lived here. I was irritated, insulted and remembered the numerous reasons I ended this marriage. I did so I would never have to be afraid or concerned about someones reaction to something again - you should never 'fear' someone else's behavior because if you do, something is wrong about it. Also, so that I never again had to accept something I was completely against just to keep the peace. That's not to say I wouldn't compromise. I have always compromised, knowing this is the best way to allow everyone happiness - if they want to be happy. And because of an issue of trust. If you cannot trust your spouse, everything else will fall apart. And I have not trusted him - in many areas - in a very long time. Mostly because he failed me in that aspect of our marriage. Yes, I know he loved me (still does, as I do him). Yes, I know he tried sometimes. Yes, I know he wished he could change some of the things he'd allowed himself to do. But too much was missing or wrong and it lead to the end because they were the most important pieces. Faithfulness, kindness, humility, the desire to make your spouse happy - he had allowed these things to drift away, never to return. And if they don't go both ways, the relationship dies.
In a way, I believe he is relieved to be rid of the responsibility that came with being a part of a family. Although I know there is plenty his misses about having one, he also was done with taking responsibility for us. I'm not talking just financially, either. I mean responsibility of the heart.
But in the same breath, I am relieved to be rid of the constant struggle to keep the peace in an impossible situation. There was no way, regardless of what I did, that I could keep the peace, make him happy or relieve whatever self-doubt and self-loathing he carried. He feared a certain future and he then spent the last five years creating it.
Now there is peace in this household. Now my daughter and I are unafraid, comfortable, relaxed in a way that shows on our faces and in our hearts.
I miss him from time to time, when certain things happen in the family. I miss sharing some things and I miss having another to worry with me about things. Right now, he is far removed from us, though. He's always been very selfish, but now he doesn't have to look us in the eye. In a phone call today, I was told I shouldn't expect more than $100.00 a week for the next 4 weeks. That's going to make things very difficult financially for us. And I'm a little angry about it. There are still bills here, expenses for our child, that he is responsible for and now, he's cut back even further what he will contribute. But until I do something through the courts - file for child support - there is nothing I can do about it. I suspect, based on what his income will be, I will get at least a couple hundred more a month through legal child support. So if the tide doesn't change in 4 weeks, that will be my next step. The saddest part, his daughter knows he cares more for himself than her and so she doesn't even care if she speaks to him or sees him. I hope, for both their sakes, he changes his behavior and does right by us. Only time will tell.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)