It's hard to post when I don't know what I'm feeling. Not just about the marriage but there are a lot of difficult things right now.
Most everyone I've been around says I look really good - not just some weight loss, but my countenance. That's understandable having had so much stress lifted off me on a daily basis and having a chance to heal. At the same time, I feel a little anxious about whether or not I'm doing right by Rachel. She's going through a lot of stuff right now - stuff I can't help with, stuff that's passed on from both example and, I think, genes. I think just seeing a therapist alone isn't going to do the trick. I think she won't be able to be happy until she's on some medication and I worry that her therapist -whom I like and appreciate and do trust - will not go in that direction. She's very holistic in her views but I think what I see at home is more of an indicator than what she gets in a session. And the part that's the hardest for me to accept is how difficult I'm finding it to deal with this.
I love my daugther more than my own life. She is the greatest joy in my life. She is the sunshine in the darkest days. But right now, I feel......resentful, I think.....I'm not really sure. But I guess maybe put out that I'm dealing with the same stuff I dealt with in my marriage and just got free of. I can't even begin to express the amount of guilt I feel for this. I know she can't just fix herself and she's a teen and some of it is just being a teen. But I know some of it is depression, anxiety, stress that she isn't able to manage on her own and I feel pulled in two different directions.
Do I push the issue of meds and just take her to a shrink to have that addressed? Do I give the therapy more time and hope she doesn't drop into despair? Do I just pray and have faith it will all work out? I don't know what to do and although I greatly admire and love our new Bishop, he's not the one who has guided me through all this stuff so far and not who I felt like I could just poor my heart out to. So I don't feel like I have a comfortable source for guideance - which I greatly relied on with my previous Bishop.
What do I do? What do I do? I'm so afraid of messing this up and this is everything. This is my whole life, my whole heart in this child of mine. What if I do the wrong thing? What if I don't act at the right time with the right choice? What if there is nothing I CAN do? I feel so afraid right now. I wish Heavenly Father would just send me the answer. I just need someone else to answer this for me becaus I just don't know what to do.
2 comments:
I hate it when I feel like this. I have never had something this big, but little things here and there that I don't know how to deal with. My first thought is to get to the temple as soon as it re-opens.
My other thought is to share with you my experience with meds and therapy. Meds didn't work for me. Therapy took a while and a few different people before it worked. BUT it really worked and has helped me a lot. I was dealing with baby depression not teenager depression. So maybe it's different for Rachel. It's always different for each person. That's just my experience.
Just know that people care and are praying for you guys. And don't be afraid to poor your heart out to the Bishop...that's his job and he'll be inspired to help you in the right way.
Thank you, Ellen. Sorry it took so long for me to respond. We've not had internet until this morning. I appreciate the input. I think Rachel's is clinical can that therapy alone is not going to do it. So we are in the process of finding a pyschiatrist to treat her - going through Children's Hospital. Thank you for your input, though. I really appreciate it and I went through that baby depression, too, with my 3rd miscarriage. Those are tough and sad things to deal with. Thank you for the prayers, too.
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