Mom

Writing soothes my soul. And right now, I very much need that. My parents have been going downhill, coming to the end of their lives, for a couple of years now. But just two days ago, my mother began a fever and now lies unresponsive, eyes closed, in bed. It will not be long.

In so many ways I think I am not ready. But at the same time, I know she is. She's been in a lot of pain for a long time, worse now because of bed sores that will never heal. Her back and neck cause her pain, too. It is her time.

My dad sits at her side and cries, talks to her, loves her the way he has for their 64 years of marriage and the four years prior to that. They met at the age of 15, got engaged at 16 and married at 19. Their only separations where when my father did his tours of duty in Korea and Vietnam during those wars. I cannot imagine my dad being without her.

Today, I called my brother, Kim, who is with her and he put his phone to her ear. I told her how much I loved her, what a wonderful mother she has been, how I have so many fond memories of shopping with her, laughing, talking and the support she always gave me. And I gave her my permission to go. I told her we would all be all right, we would take care of Dad and that it was okay for her to go.

She got a blessing today, too. My brother, who has been inactive for many years, was asked to join in. He needed this, too, as a way to provide a special service to my mother. It was a deeply spiritual experience for him. I am grateful that Heavenly Father directed my parent's home teacher to ask Kim to assist him.

People are rallying around. My mother's church is beginning to respond with love and support of all kinds - both to my parents and to my siblings who are already there in Texas. I said my good-byes at my visit in June. I will wait until she has passed to go. I asked my brother, Kim, if I was doing the right thing because I want to be there for my sister, Kandi, who has been the one caring for them these last few years, after. He said yes, so I feel even more confident that I should go then. I wish I could afford to be there now and then stay on a week to help Kandi, but that's not the reality of my life. So I said my good-bye on the phone today and back in June and I know I will see her again one day.

I wish I could speak my whole heart - but I fear drowning in the emotions, here in the world where I have to do what I have to do each day. This post doesn't really speak my heart. But it says what I need it to say for now.

If you are reading and pray, please pray for a peaceful transition for her, for peace for my dad and comfort for us all during this difficult time.