The First Christmas

By the title, you imagine you will read my thoughts on the very first Christmas, our Savior's birth, and how I feel about that.  That might be in another post.  This post is about the first Christmas without my mom on this earth to share it.

Christmas was her time of year.  She loved it all - the family together, the decorations, especially the lights, the gift giving, the carols - you name it, she loved it.  And because of that, her children all do, too.  So every year since I've had a home of my own, I've gone all out to decorate, taken time to beautifully and carefully wrap gifts (often accused of paying to have it done by my younger sister), bake and make favorites to share with friends and family and had plenty of lights.  And I kept thinking it would be that way this year, too.

But what I had were false starts.  I kept planning and for the first time since I've had my own home, I didn't have it decorated over Thanksgiving weekend.  A few weeks later, Rachel and I got around to it.  Some lights went up outside, the Advent houses went on the counter, the Santa collection on the fireplace, the Nutcracker collection on the hutch.....and then I fizzled out.  The snowman collection never made it out of the boxes.  The Victorian, cardboard Santa figures never made it on to the wall.  The favorite Christmas card collection never made it up on the wall, either.  We put just two strands of lights on the tree and didn't put much effort into the outdoor lights, either.

It's just not the same this year.  This year there was no conversation with my mom asking how much we'd gotten put up, what we were planning to make - all the things I talked to her about every year.  And it sort of sucked the joy out of it.  I've been a bit down in the dumps for two days.  I feel on the verge of tears every moment.  I wanted to cry after a surprisingly easy run to Walmart for some last minute baking needs - baking I have yet to get started on.  I can't put my finger on it.  It's just not that same this year.

To top it all off, Jay can't make it home for Christmas.  He won't get here until Tuesday.  We're having it on Christmas Day anyway because it's not fair to ask a kid to wait.  He'll be on the phone with us as we open presents because that's the best we can do.  And the days I took off from work are not going to be spent with him because he's not here.  That's made it harder, too.

I know next year will be easier.  I hope it will be down right much, much better.  But this year I'm just going to try to focus on our Savior's birth and try to keep smiling - even though I don't really feel it (and feel like I suck as a mom right now because of it!).

Thank goodness for our friends and all they offer in reaching out to us, understanding how rough things have been for us these last couple of years.  I know we are on our way to improving - better jobs, more income.  Now we just need the set backs to stop and the improvements to keep coming instead of being stagnant.  I know deep down everything will get better.  I just have to keep the faith.