Rollercoaster Riding

I don't like rollercoasters.  They scare me and make me feel sick and since I have struggled with vertigo, there is no way I'd willingly step on one.  But that's what my marriage has been for a long time.  Maybe always - but my memory seems to be uncertain as I desire to remember the good parts more than the difficult or bad ones.

We've talked on the phone, cried together, talked some more.  Where we will end up is an unknown.  For me, I still feel certain we are on the road to eventual divorce.  I cannot imagine trusting him again to be kind or to remain decent in his dealings with me.  But I also can't forever turn my back on him.  You see, I have this annoying remaining feeling for him called love.  Certainly, it's much, much less than it was during the good times of our marriage and even less than during most of the bad times.  There is little to no opportunity for it to grow again.  And that's what I prefer.  I have made my choice.  But as the saying goes, never say never. 

I dream of dating one day again, finding someone whose testimony in our faith is at least as strong as mine, but preferrably stronger than my own so that he would lead our family as a priesthood holder.  I desire to feel completely and utterly loved for who I am, without constant conditions set upon me.  I hope to find a kind face, a gentle touch, a pure love of Christ.  These things I seek in a man and may or may not ever find.  But I know they are out there.  I have met some, though already taken in marriage.  Their goodness and solid belief in their faith is such a reassurance to me.  I know there are others out there who are the same and looking for another themselves. 

Still, I wonder if my fate is to wait out Jay's sorting - which could take years - and then never have those desired feelings that would bring me peace. 

Don't get me wrong.  I have no intention of not following through with my plans.  I am stronger now and know that I can manage alone.  And I never again want my home invaded by the darkness that lived here before he left.  All I know is I can't give up on him.  You just never know and I want to support him, even without plans to reunite, so that he can find peace and happiness within himself for his own future.