Sometimes I wonder what horrible crime I have committed to be punished again and again. Or maybe, what horrible crime has Jay committed. Of course, it's not that. It's the luck of the draw. Or unluck of the draw. Yep, Jay lost his job today. We'd just gotten in our dental appointments, endocrinologist appointments and prescriptions and our insurance runs out at midnight tonight. He just lost the job today. And the insurance runs out at midnight. What the?!?!?!?! Whatever, loser company.
I've applied for jobs with the school district today. He's job hunting all day tomorrow. I've asked him to focus on non-driving jobs. It's time to put the skids on this scenario, I think.
Here's the deal: I'm still feeling that panicky, stressed feeling off and on, but for the most part, I am at peace. A better, safer job is about to come to him/us and this is what the Lord had to allow to make it happen. I can live with this.
I am a bit worried/sad that we will likely have to put off Rachel's birthday (end of Nov.). She wanted a movie with several friends, like Movie Tavern, and then cake and presents here. I've already warned her, though I'll try my best to pull it together for her. It sucks because it's her 12th. You know, sort of a milestone as birthday's go. But I can't change our fate.
The other worry is that we are wiped out from this happening too much over the last four years. There is no savings. There is debt - way too much of it. There is a huge student loan hanging over our heads. It feels hopeless. Yet, my faith and my heart tell me to hold fast and all will soon be well.
Well, I'm trying. At moments I feel like screaming and thrashing on the floor until it all goes away. Then I feel calm and confident that the Lord has this figured out for us. I just have to keep my faith going.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Milestones
My child. Every time I see her, an avalanche of love tumbles through my heart. When she goes away for a sleepover or off to Girl Scout camp for a night or two or three, even when she leaves out for the first day back at school after being near me all summer, a little hole pops up until she comes home. And the moment I see her, I smile. Inside and out. I love to tuck her in at night and plant a soft kiss on her cheek while she sleeps, dreaming the dream of princesses beloved and adored. I love to put my arm around her and pull her close, if only for a moment, and feel that swell of joy that pumps into my body. Life could not be more precious to me since she has come into it.
Today, we reached a milestone. Not the milestones of babyhood - the first steps, the first tooth. These are the milestones of tweens moving into teens and they are not the sweet, worry-free, oh-that's-how-it's-supposed-to-be milestones, even though that is how it's supposed to be. But they are milestones and there is a sweetness to them along with the worry. Today when I picked her up from school she stretched her hand into the window to hand me something before she got in. "What's this?" I ask. "Read it," she tells me. "It's a flower." "Ah," I say as I begin to read the penciled words around it's edge. It says, "To Rachel From Will Smith". "Oh!" I think to myself. "That's so sweet of him," I say out loud. "Do you know what this means?" she asks me in a knowing way. I smile both happy for her and dreading it, too. "Yes, I do," I answer. "He likes me," she says, all sweet and smiling and happy that some boy has chosen her above all others to give this little first crush gift to. "Yes," I say, looking off beyond her, wondering what he looks like, if he'll be kind to her, if he'll be careful with her if her heart moves into this. "First crushes are nice," I say, hoping she reads between the lines and hears that they are firsts and fleeting and never forever this early in life. Hoping she hears that she should protect her heart, her virtue, her feelings but still enjoy this next milestone, this next feeling.
I doubt at 11, nearly 12, that there is much I need to worry about. But we will spend some time this next week, Fall Break, when we are home together every day to have a very serious talk about waiting. Waiting for the first real kiss, waiting for more than holding hands and a quick, simple hug, waiting for all the things some kids move far to quickly into both these days and in my day.
I'm not really worried. She has a wonderful, firm conviction about her virtue and an understanding that she is still very young and a daughter of God to be respected. She knows her body is a temple, a sweet and precious blessing from God to be treated as the finest jewel. But she will need the tools that every young girl should be given from her mother - or when mother is not available in their lives - by some other trusted, loving woman. Her final serious words were, "Someone likes me back this time," with an amazed and pleased look on her face.
Once home, the joking started. "Daddy will want to get a shotgun now, Mama," she said. "Yes he will. But Mama won't let him. Let's just not say anything to him about this for a while, okay?" I answer. Sigh. Dads.
Today, we reached a milestone. Not the milestones of babyhood - the first steps, the first tooth. These are the milestones of tweens moving into teens and they are not the sweet, worry-free, oh-that's-how-it's-supposed-to-be milestones, even though that is how it's supposed to be. But they are milestones and there is a sweetness to them along with the worry. Today when I picked her up from school she stretched her hand into the window to hand me something before she got in. "What's this?" I ask. "Read it," she tells me. "It's a flower." "Ah," I say as I begin to read the penciled words around it's edge. It says, "To Rachel From Will Smith". "Oh!" I think to myself. "That's so sweet of him," I say out loud. "Do you know what this means?" she asks me in a knowing way. I smile both happy for her and dreading it, too. "Yes, I do," I answer. "He likes me," she says, all sweet and smiling and happy that some boy has chosen her above all others to give this little first crush gift to. "Yes," I say, looking off beyond her, wondering what he looks like, if he'll be kind to her, if he'll be careful with her if her heart moves into this. "First crushes are nice," I say, hoping she reads between the lines and hears that they are firsts and fleeting and never forever this early in life. Hoping she hears that she should protect her heart, her virtue, her feelings but still enjoy this next milestone, this next feeling.
I doubt at 11, nearly 12, that there is much I need to worry about. But we will spend some time this next week, Fall Break, when we are home together every day to have a very serious talk about waiting. Waiting for the first real kiss, waiting for more than holding hands and a quick, simple hug, waiting for all the things some kids move far to quickly into both these days and in my day.
I'm not really worried. She has a wonderful, firm conviction about her virtue and an understanding that she is still very young and a daughter of God to be respected. She knows her body is a temple, a sweet and precious blessing from God to be treated as the finest jewel. But she will need the tools that every young girl should be given from her mother - or when mother is not available in their lives - by some other trusted, loving woman. Her final serious words were, "Someone likes me back this time," with an amazed and pleased look on her face.
Once home, the joking started. "Daddy will want to get a shotgun now, Mama," she said. "Yes he will. But Mama won't let him. Let's just not say anything to him about this for a while, okay?" I answer. Sigh. Dads.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Superwoman, I Am Not
A good friend of mine keeps an on-line journal that I read regularly. Okay, several of my friends do that. But this one I have been reading for......9 years now, I think? At least, I've known her for that long. Anyway, the thing about this woman is that she is amazing. She is one of those Superwoman women. She exercises regularly (no wimpy walk around the block for her), she works two jobs, is raising two kids, finds time for her friends and parents and her journal site community. She goes and goes and goes. And I marvel at her even more because both of her jobs require nurturing others - working at a school and in a nursing home - every day. One of these jobs she's done for 15 years. Telling you about her leads to the point of my post but I have to say a bit about me first.
I am not capable of being a Superwoman. When I was younger, I think I could, though that's a guess because I wasn't a mother or wife then. I worked. I worked long hours (14-16 hour days) and sometimes took on a second job on top of that for extra cash when I wanted something expensive or to have extra money to blow on a vacation. Now I find it hard to work even a regular job and keep up with everything. Of course, I blame being fat, which is what I blame for everything imperfect in my life - lol. But in some areas, being a Superwoman is my expected role.
My friend's most recent posts hinted at feeling overwhelmed by the pressures of being a Superwoman. People come to rely on you when you are in your groove and coping with it all and seem to be able to go on this way forever. And if you're a perfectionist, that pressure becomes even more heavy. But the truth is, even the Superwomen need a break now and then. We all need support from our families. We need understanding from our friends. We need someone else to step up to bat now and then and handle things. And even for a Superwoman, that's okay. It's more than okay. It's necessary. No one can just give and give all the time and get little, or in some cases nothing, back.
For me, being Superwoman means handling the household - finances, keeping the house clean, all the cooking and baking, getting Rachel to activities, running Jay to the bus stop or all the way to work in the wee hours of the morning when the buses aren't running because it's so early, coping with breakdowns, budgeting, etc. When I hit this funk I was in and found it hard to make myself clean up the house every day, I felt very overwhelmed just with that part of life. When the funk lifted enough for me to get off my butt and start making my home a comfortable place again, I realized what a mess it was even 24 hours after I'd cleaned. Then I realized the child I'd raised to pick up after herself every day wasn't doing that anymore. And the husband I'd trained to pick up after himself (with an occasional *roll eyes* reminder) wasn't doing his part, either. No wonder it felt overwhelming.
I love the stories from church and Stephen Covey publications that are about the husband who comes home from work and steps in to care for the children for an hour while his wife makes dinner or takes the kids out to play so she can have an hour of silence and just sit and relax or sees that she needs a break and makes dinner that night. What those stories tell me is that regardless of what your "job" is, everyone needs a change, a break, in the routine. And for some women, the Superwomen, they just sometimes need some back up - somebody to clean up after themselves, someone who will come help when she's doing the dishes, someone standing up for themselves when family outside the marriage are demanding their spouses time, especially for long periods of time. Sometimes everything needs to slow down so they can just be a couple or a family or just be free of obligations for a little while.
For my friend, I don't know exactly what has been going on, but you are right to feel what you feel and to ask for and expect what you need in return from your loved ones.
And for me, maybe letting someone else take something over and see where things are is the real key.
Whatever the case, Superwomen still need a day off now and then.
I am not capable of being a Superwoman. When I was younger, I think I could, though that's a guess because I wasn't a mother or wife then. I worked. I worked long hours (14-16 hour days) and sometimes took on a second job on top of that for extra cash when I wanted something expensive or to have extra money to blow on a vacation. Now I find it hard to work even a regular job and keep up with everything. Of course, I blame being fat, which is what I blame for everything imperfect in my life - lol. But in some areas, being a Superwoman is my expected role.
My friend's most recent posts hinted at feeling overwhelmed by the pressures of being a Superwoman. People come to rely on you when you are in your groove and coping with it all and seem to be able to go on this way forever. And if you're a perfectionist, that pressure becomes even more heavy. But the truth is, even the Superwomen need a break now and then. We all need support from our families. We need understanding from our friends. We need someone else to step up to bat now and then and handle things. And even for a Superwoman, that's okay. It's more than okay. It's necessary. No one can just give and give all the time and get little, or in some cases nothing, back.
For me, being Superwoman means handling the household - finances, keeping the house clean, all the cooking and baking, getting Rachel to activities, running Jay to the bus stop or all the way to work in the wee hours of the morning when the buses aren't running because it's so early, coping with breakdowns, budgeting, etc. When I hit this funk I was in and found it hard to make myself clean up the house every day, I felt very overwhelmed just with that part of life. When the funk lifted enough for me to get off my butt and start making my home a comfortable place again, I realized what a mess it was even 24 hours after I'd cleaned. Then I realized the child I'd raised to pick up after herself every day wasn't doing that anymore. And the husband I'd trained to pick up after himself (with an occasional *roll eyes* reminder) wasn't doing his part, either. No wonder it felt overwhelming.
I love the stories from church and Stephen Covey publications that are about the husband who comes home from work and steps in to care for the children for an hour while his wife makes dinner or takes the kids out to play so she can have an hour of silence and just sit and relax or sees that she needs a break and makes dinner that night. What those stories tell me is that regardless of what your "job" is, everyone needs a change, a break, in the routine. And for some women, the Superwomen, they just sometimes need some back up - somebody to clean up after themselves, someone who will come help when she's doing the dishes, someone standing up for themselves when family outside the marriage are demanding their spouses time, especially for long periods of time. Sometimes everything needs to slow down so they can just be a couple or a family or just be free of obligations for a little while.
For my friend, I don't know exactly what has been going on, but you are right to feel what you feel and to ask for and expect what you need in return from your loved ones.
And for me, maybe letting someone else take something over and see where things are is the real key.
Whatever the case, Superwomen still need a day off now and then.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Observations
I'm a month behind on reading O (Oprah) Magazine. Okay, I'm about a month behind on everything. But back to my point.....
I was reading all these articles about breast cancer - awareness, survivors, scares, ect. - and I noticed that pretty much all the married women retained their maiden names. I find that odd. I mean, you see this now and then and I suppose more often with professional women, but....what gives? I went from a very average, no one misspells it name to my husband's everyone misspells it and even pronounces it wrong name. And I'm glad I did. I liked making that commitment in a public, permanent way. I admire Courtney Cox Arquette who added her husband's last name to hers when she married - even though she was established and famous. I guess I get this even less than couples who live together for 20 years and never get married. What's the big deal?
So, is it this: "Oh, just in case we don't manage to make it work, there will be a LOT less paperwork on my side," or "No one would know who I am if I changed my name (because I'm so popular, of course)," or maybe "I don't want to be associated with his family". Okay, well the last one might be stretching it. But if you don't take his name because it would be a lot of work "when" the divorce happens, why did you marry? And if you're that popular, don't you think people will still know it's you? No one was confused about Courtney. And don't get me started on how you figure out a child's last name in these circumstances.
To each his own, of course, and I'd never want to impose my ideas on someone or make it a rule or a law, but it just screams, "I'm not committed to this relationship" to me. And in a world where so much divorce occurs, maybe taking that one extra step might help make the commitment seem more vital or real. Well, maybe not, too. I guess it depends on how things go.
I was reading all these articles about breast cancer - awareness, survivors, scares, ect. - and I noticed that pretty much all the married women retained their maiden names. I find that odd. I mean, you see this now and then and I suppose more often with professional women, but....what gives? I went from a very average, no one misspells it name to my husband's everyone misspells it and even pronounces it wrong name. And I'm glad I did. I liked making that commitment in a public, permanent way. I admire Courtney Cox Arquette who added her husband's last name to hers when she married - even though she was established and famous. I guess I get this even less than couples who live together for 20 years and never get married. What's the big deal?
So, is it this: "Oh, just in case we don't manage to make it work, there will be a LOT less paperwork on my side," or "No one would know who I am if I changed my name (because I'm so popular, of course)," or maybe "I don't want to be associated with his family". Okay, well the last one might be stretching it. But if you don't take his name because it would be a lot of work "when" the divorce happens, why did you marry? And if you're that popular, don't you think people will still know it's you? No one was confused about Courtney. And don't get me started on how you figure out a child's last name in these circumstances.
To each his own, of course, and I'd never want to impose my ideas on someone or make it a rule or a law, but it just screams, "I'm not committed to this relationship" to me. And in a world where so much divorce occurs, maybe taking that one extra step might help make the commitment seem more vital or real. Well, maybe not, too. I guess it depends on how things go.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
You Know Those Moms Who.....
I never wanted to be one of those mom's that push their kids. I think for the most part I have really stepped away from that even though it has felt so important that Rachel bring in good grades by doing her very best. But I've noticed I'm getting more and more harsh on my daughter over her grades at school.
Here's the deal: She's in all advanced classes. She's in them because she's smart and she's finally getting some real challenges in school. She's had straight A's most of the time so far this year. However, lately the grades have started to drop somewhat (to B's in 2 classes and some A+'s down to A's). I'm trying hard to figure it out and, thankfully, the district provides this amazing internet system called Power School which has allowed me to check and follow up on grades on a daily basis. But it's also made me into "one of those".
Here's what we've figured out: Rachel LOVES to read. It is rare to see her without a book in her hands. She reads at every opportunity in school. She is supposed to read for 10 minutes in Language Arts and for all of Literacy Block. But she's also into her book during classes anytime she thinks she's got spare time. Okay. That's fine. But she's missing turning in work because she's not listening to the teachers tell them to turn things in. Also, she just gets unorganized (which is why she's in AVID and Approaches to Learning) and then can't locate papers she needs to turn in. They go in late and so she only gets 1/2 credit.
What that means: She is totally capable of doing better than she is. She is totally capable of bringing in ALL A's at the very least and probably all A+'s.
What I've done: I'm in e-mail touch with her teachers every time something like this happens. I've taken all computer privileges from her on school nights. I make her go through her homework notebook every morning to remind her what needs to be turned in. Now I will begin adding having her look at Power School herself every night to see what is due and make a record of it. I've also asked for advice from her teachers. They probably think I'm a tyrant. And I sort of feel like one. But I know kids who begin to fail and parents who blow it off end up ruining their school careers. That scares me. We won't likely have the money to pay for college for her (to my shame) and I don't want her to start life out with a bunch of education debts. I keep hoping for a scholarship, an academic one, when she graduates. Even if it's just a partial. So I want her to do as well as she can - as well as I know she is capable of. But I don't want to defeat her by being on her all the time about it, either.
Guess I could use come parenting advice from someone who's been there - if you'd care to throw in your two cents worth. I hope I'm not taking out my stress and frustration with our financial situation on her over school, too. I'm trying to pull in and run a check on myself. I want her to be happy and feel great about her accomplishments - that's all I really want.
Here's the deal: She's in all advanced classes. She's in them because she's smart and she's finally getting some real challenges in school. She's had straight A's most of the time so far this year. However, lately the grades have started to drop somewhat (to B's in 2 classes and some A+'s down to A's). I'm trying hard to figure it out and, thankfully, the district provides this amazing internet system called Power School which has allowed me to check and follow up on grades on a daily basis. But it's also made me into "one of those".
Here's what we've figured out: Rachel LOVES to read. It is rare to see her without a book in her hands. She reads at every opportunity in school. She is supposed to read for 10 minutes in Language Arts and for all of Literacy Block. But she's also into her book during classes anytime she thinks she's got spare time. Okay. That's fine. But she's missing turning in work because she's not listening to the teachers tell them to turn things in. Also, she just gets unorganized (which is why she's in AVID and Approaches to Learning) and then can't locate papers she needs to turn in. They go in late and so she only gets 1/2 credit.
What that means: She is totally capable of doing better than she is. She is totally capable of bringing in ALL A's at the very least and probably all A+'s.
What I've done: I'm in e-mail touch with her teachers every time something like this happens. I've taken all computer privileges from her on school nights. I make her go through her homework notebook every morning to remind her what needs to be turned in. Now I will begin adding having her look at Power School herself every night to see what is due and make a record of it. I've also asked for advice from her teachers. They probably think I'm a tyrant. And I sort of feel like one. But I know kids who begin to fail and parents who blow it off end up ruining their school careers. That scares me. We won't likely have the money to pay for college for her (to my shame) and I don't want her to start life out with a bunch of education debts. I keep hoping for a scholarship, an academic one, when she graduates. Even if it's just a partial. So I want her to do as well as she can - as well as I know she is capable of. But I don't want to defeat her by being on her all the time about it, either.
Guess I could use come parenting advice from someone who's been there - if you'd care to throw in your two cents worth. I hope I'm not taking out my stress and frustration with our financial situation on her over school, too. I'm trying to pull in and run a check on myself. I want her to be happy and feel great about her accomplishments - that's all I really want.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Thoughts After Conference
For my non-Mormon friends, twice a year our church has what is called General Conference (most of you have heard me talk about it at one time or another). It begins on Saturday afternoon with a two hour session, then two sessions on Sunday - one in the morning and one in the afternoon. Instead of attending church, we either watch General Conference on our televisions (if you have a satellite dish or cable and the BYUTV station is carried), or attend a stake center where you can catch the broadcast. Many thousands are lucky enough to actually travel to Salt Lake City, if they don't already reside there, as see it live. At these conferences, our Prophet, his two counselors and other leaders of our church speak to us. Every year there are many quotes that touch my heart, many talks that speak to me and many things I am reminded of or encouraged to be better at in my daily life. This year I noted a few great quotes I'd like to share.
'Be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled, will disappear all too soon...and that you will, to your surprise, miss them, profoundly."--Thomas S. Monson (Prophet and President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Also by President Monson: "There is no tomorrow to remember if we don't do something today." and "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." And after saying his wife was a "showaholic" (I think that was the term he used) he gave a quote from the musical 'The Music Man' - "If you pile up enough tomorrows, you'll find you've collected a lot of empty yesterdays."
"Faith is not only a feeling; it is a decision." Elder Neil L. Andersen, Presidency of the Quorum of the Seventy.
Here are several I liked by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor to President Thomas S. Monson: "Hope is a gift of the Spirit." and "No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today...we can have hope in the Savior." And a few more: "The things we hope FOR lead us to faith, while the things we hope IN lead us to charity." "Present circumstances will give way to future blessings." "Hope is manifested in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm and patient perseverance."
Two by Elder Jeffery R. Holland, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: "Angels are not always seen--but seen or unseen they are always near." and "Not all angels are on the other side of the veil."
Two by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: "For every tear shed in sorrow will be replaced by one hundred tears of joy for those who follow Christ." and "The next time you are tempted to groan, try a laugh instead."
Elder Robert D. Hales, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, said these two: "We're always better off staying on the higher ground of mutual respect and love." and "Meekness is not weakness, it is the badge of Christian Courage."
Elaine S. Dalton, Young Women General President gave these notable quotes: "In the strength of the Lord I can do ALL things." and "You be the one to stand for right even if you stand alone." (I LOVED that one) and this next one made me laugh - as did she after saying it: "young people...ever texting and never coming to a knowledge of the truth." Also, a quote from marathon champion Juma Ikangaa (President Dalton is a marathon runner) "The will to win is nothing without the will to prepare to win."
"He's not asking us to die a martyr's death, he's asking us to live a disciple's life." --Elder M. Russell Ballard, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.
President Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:"As we have inherited the spirit of liberty and the fire of patriotism from our fathers, so let them descend unchanged down to our posterity."
"The interest, attention, and care we show towards our brethren is a profound manifestation of love towards our Heavenly Father." --Elder Eduardo Gavarret, Quorum of the Seventy.
Elder Carlos Godoy, Quorum of the Seventy: "To receive the witness of the still small voice sometimes can have a stronger impact on our testimonies than the visit of an angel."
"We are not going to suffer any more than is for our good." --Elder Quentin L. Cook, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.
Most of these I got either listening to the talks over the weekend or listening to them on-line over the last two days and a few from another blog I read where others noted them. Regardless, I know they are words from wise leaders of our church and I'm grateful to have the opportunity to hear them again and again as I desire with our technologically advanced world.
'Be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled, will disappear all too soon...and that you will, to your surprise, miss them, profoundly."--Thomas S. Monson (Prophet and President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Also by President Monson: "There is no tomorrow to remember if we don't do something today." and "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." And after saying his wife was a "showaholic" (I think that was the term he used) he gave a quote from the musical 'The Music Man' - "If you pile up enough tomorrows, you'll find you've collected a lot of empty yesterdays."
"Faith is not only a feeling; it is a decision." Elder Neil L. Andersen, Presidency of the Quorum of the Seventy.
Here are several I liked by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor to President Thomas S. Monson: "Hope is a gift of the Spirit." and "No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today...we can have hope in the Savior." And a few more: "The things we hope FOR lead us to faith, while the things we hope IN lead us to charity." "Present circumstances will give way to future blessings." "Hope is manifested in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm and patient perseverance."
Two by Elder Jeffery R. Holland, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: "Angels are not always seen--but seen or unseen they are always near." and "Not all angels are on the other side of the veil."
Two by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: "For every tear shed in sorrow will be replaced by one hundred tears of joy for those who follow Christ." and "The next time you are tempted to groan, try a laugh instead."
Elder Robert D. Hales, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, said these two: "We're always better off staying on the higher ground of mutual respect and love." and "Meekness is not weakness, it is the badge of Christian Courage."
Elaine S. Dalton, Young Women General President gave these notable quotes: "In the strength of the Lord I can do ALL things." and "You be the one to stand for right even if you stand alone." (I LOVED that one) and this next one made me laugh - as did she after saying it: "young people...ever texting and never coming to a knowledge of the truth." Also, a quote from marathon champion Juma Ikangaa (President Dalton is a marathon runner) "The will to win is nothing without the will to prepare to win."
"He's not asking us to die a martyr's death, he's asking us to live a disciple's life." --Elder M. Russell Ballard, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.
President Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:"As we have inherited the spirit of liberty and the fire of patriotism from our fathers, so let them descend unchanged down to our posterity."
"The interest, attention, and care we show towards our brethren is a profound manifestation of love towards our Heavenly Father." --Elder Eduardo Gavarret, Quorum of the Seventy.
Elder Carlos Godoy, Quorum of the Seventy: "To receive the witness of the still small voice sometimes can have a stronger impact on our testimonies than the visit of an angel."
"We are not going to suffer any more than is for our good." --Elder Quentin L. Cook, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.
Most of these I got either listening to the talks over the weekend or listening to them on-line over the last two days and a few from another blog I read where others noted them. Regardless, I know they are words from wise leaders of our church and I'm grateful to have the opportunity to hear them again and again as I desire with our technologically advanced world.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Say What???
My friend, whom I call T for short, is a tall, loud and proud black woman. She is every parent's nightmare as the crossing guard at the grade school but if you're ever in a fight, she's the one you want standing beside you. Anyway, despite her sometimes gruff exterior, she has a heart of gold and would give you the shirt off her back if you needed help. She lived in our townhouse complex for over a year and recently moved when that rental went into foreclosure. Moving into her new house, she was unloading her "truck", a Ford Explorer, and came out to find that within just a few minutes of walking inside with boxes, putting them in appropriate rooms and coming back out, someone had cut the wires to her speaker (actually a sub-woofer) and stolen it. She was MAD and you don't want to see her mad. She called the police and was transferred to an officer to take the report. She explained what happened, said they looked around and hadn't seen anyone right around them but there were some young men hanging around down further from her townhouse. The officer was rather rude to her and one of his questions was, "What race are you?" She said, "What?!?!?!?" And he foolishly responded, "Well, are you black?" Her response changed how he was talking to her and made him apologize when she answered him, "Yeah, but if it will get someone over here quicker, I'm a white lady today!" Gotta love it.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Middle School Shining
This is what I hoped would be. Rachel first made it into all advanced classes - including in math. We are thrilled because especially for the last two years, she's been bored in Language Arts. Now she is workin' it! Then she made the Drama Club and a part in the upcoming play. Today she made it on to the newspaper team as the "fantasy writer" and gets a "press pass" lanyard!! This is so right up her ally. She's been writing fantasy stories - even working on a book - since she was old enough to write with any sense. Now she'll have her stories published in the school paper (and she can use that one day when she does decide to publish a book). She is so shining in middle school. I am so proud of her and so thrilled for her being thrilled.
As for Jay and the job situation - well, things have moved to a place where we "sort of" know what's up. He actually had yet another accident. Of course, they are all small (with the exception of one) and never injure anyone (thank You, God) but they can cost him his job. The first 10 years of our marriage he had the same job and had one or two accidents over that entire period of time. Mind you, these were small, not involving any other vehicles. Some things considered "accidents", and Jay had one of these, is hitting a car with a hand cart (you know, a dolly) and leaving a mark. So not even behind the wheel of the truck. When I say accidents, I'm not saying he's been hitting other vehicles and endangering anyone. But, this last one did involve another vehicle and was not a smart move on his part but also appears to have been partially the fault of the other driver. Nevertheless, the damage was minimal. It was up in the air whether or not he would still have his job. But, again Thank You God, he does. They've decided to make him a local/regional driver. What that means is he will do local driving most of the time while the frieght is high in Colorado and will do some regional, which means out overnight and home again the next day. So he will be home a lot more than he has been. That is a great relief to me. I'm hoping, though not sure, that it will limit his ability to take "advances" on his checks, thereby causing us great financial strain. He will be home when something happens here that I need help with. I'll have a partner I can speak to face to face rather than always over the phone. Rachel will have her father present in her life again. Still, I feel as though I live on the edge of a breakdown because I have been living in a constant state of stress and worry since he lost his first job after ten years because of a terrible, thought out act against co-worker. It shell-shocks you. I have had it constantly on my mind, wondering if he was going to have another accident. Wondering if he's going to lose his job. Wondering if he does, can he find another. Wondering if one more hit via employment will be the last one he can take. And my shoulders feel the pressure of it. It niggles at the back of my mind that it's going to be up to me. I NEED to find a way to make my book good enough to publish and make enough money to pay off our debt. If I can't/don't, I must give up being the mother I have desired to be, longed for, prayed for and go to work full time. There is no one to take up the slack at home if I do this. Jay can't. He can't cope with it added to whatever else he must cope with. I don't have parents healthy enough and nearby enough to step up to help. I don't have siblings around to help. I've not really taken advantage of having lots of child care trading - because I didn't need it or want it. I was so thrilled to be blessed with our daughter, my heart ached when I was away from her until I finally had to grown up when she went to school. I don't know if that was healthy. I don't really care. She's turned out better than I could hope for so far and I know she will be a wonder when she is grown up. And she is my one shot, my only opportunity, to be a great mom. I don't want to fail that. It being up to me has always been the way it is in our marriage. But when we first married, I was strong from being single and either self-supporting or mostly self-supporting since I was 14 years old. I'd not had any debt for 7 or 8 years when we met, he came into the marriage unemployed (he started his job the day after we got married) and with $20,000.00 plus in debt. I/we paid it off in a little over a year living off one of our incomes and using every penny of the other to pay off the debt (well, and pay for our upcoming honeymoon a few months later). As the marriage went on and I was no longer the bread winner and slowly began to no longer even bring in any income, I released much of the control of the finances. It proved to be a mistake and it has been a difficult, if not impossible, climb back into the driver's seat. I have done my best and I have done my share of damage. Lots of mistakes were made that just dug us in deeper and deeper. So now we just have to find a way out. If I go to work full time, it will take us many, many years, so it would be a very long term deal and I'm not done raising my child. If I can sell my book for a decent amount and it sells well, too, I can pay this stuff off soon and place us in a much better position to cope with any job loss or difficulty that comes up. So I just keep praying, taking these friggin' meds I wish I didn't need because that's not who I really am, and planning the best I can with what little control I have. And still, my heart aches for this man I opened up to and love despite what else is there. Because what kind of a mother, wife, LDS woman, friend, daughter of my parents and daughter of God could I be if I didn't forgive what needs to be forgiven?
As for Jay and the job situation - well, things have moved to a place where we "sort of" know what's up. He actually had yet another accident. Of course, they are all small (with the exception of one) and never injure anyone (thank You, God) but they can cost him his job. The first 10 years of our marriage he had the same job and had one or two accidents over that entire period of time. Mind you, these were small, not involving any other vehicles. Some things considered "accidents", and Jay had one of these, is hitting a car with a hand cart (you know, a dolly) and leaving a mark. So not even behind the wheel of the truck. When I say accidents, I'm not saying he's been hitting other vehicles and endangering anyone. But, this last one did involve another vehicle and was not a smart move on his part but also appears to have been partially the fault of the other driver. Nevertheless, the damage was minimal. It was up in the air whether or not he would still have his job. But, again Thank You God, he does. They've decided to make him a local/regional driver. What that means is he will do local driving most of the time while the frieght is high in Colorado and will do some regional, which means out overnight and home again the next day. So he will be home a lot more than he has been. That is a great relief to me. I'm hoping, though not sure, that it will limit his ability to take "advances" on his checks, thereby causing us great financial strain. He will be home when something happens here that I need help with. I'll have a partner I can speak to face to face rather than always over the phone. Rachel will have her father present in her life again. Still, I feel as though I live on the edge of a breakdown because I have been living in a constant state of stress and worry since he lost his first job after ten years because of a terrible, thought out act against co-worker. It shell-shocks you. I have had it constantly on my mind, wondering if he was going to have another accident. Wondering if he's going to lose his job. Wondering if he does, can he find another. Wondering if one more hit via employment will be the last one he can take. And my shoulders feel the pressure of it. It niggles at the back of my mind that it's going to be up to me. I NEED to find a way to make my book good enough to publish and make enough money to pay off our debt. If I can't/don't, I must give up being the mother I have desired to be, longed for, prayed for and go to work full time. There is no one to take up the slack at home if I do this. Jay can't. He can't cope with it added to whatever else he must cope with. I don't have parents healthy enough and nearby enough to step up to help. I don't have siblings around to help. I've not really taken advantage of having lots of child care trading - because I didn't need it or want it. I was so thrilled to be blessed with our daughter, my heart ached when I was away from her until I finally had to grown up when she went to school. I don't know if that was healthy. I don't really care. She's turned out better than I could hope for so far and I know she will be a wonder when she is grown up. And she is my one shot, my only opportunity, to be a great mom. I don't want to fail that. It being up to me has always been the way it is in our marriage. But when we first married, I was strong from being single and either self-supporting or mostly self-supporting since I was 14 years old. I'd not had any debt for 7 or 8 years when we met, he came into the marriage unemployed (he started his job the day after we got married) and with $20,000.00 plus in debt. I/we paid it off in a little over a year living off one of our incomes and using every penny of the other to pay off the debt (well, and pay for our upcoming honeymoon a few months later). As the marriage went on and I was no longer the bread winner and slowly began to no longer even bring in any income, I released much of the control of the finances. It proved to be a mistake and it has been a difficult, if not impossible, climb back into the driver's seat. I have done my best and I have done my share of damage. Lots of mistakes were made that just dug us in deeper and deeper. So now we just have to find a way out. If I go to work full time, it will take us many, many years, so it would be a very long term deal and I'm not done raising my child. If I can sell my book for a decent amount and it sells well, too, I can pay this stuff off soon and place us in a much better position to cope with any job loss or difficulty that comes up. So I just keep praying, taking these friggin' meds I wish I didn't need because that's not who I really am, and planning the best I can with what little control I have. And still, my heart aches for this man I opened up to and love despite what else is there. Because what kind of a mother, wife, LDS woman, friend, daughter of my parents and daughter of God could I be if I didn't forgive what needs to be forgiven?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)