Life Can Be Busy

At my age, I'd hoped I could settle life down and into a simpler routine.  Not that I'm old, but I am only 4 years away from 60.  Man, that sounds horrifying to me!  LOL.  But I do look back on when my parents were this age and realize, it sort of sucks:

It's hard to grow old gracefully!  But I am starting on the wrong subject here.  This post was meant to be about how crazy it has been for a few weeks now........

My job as an office manager for a CPA has been in flux for a while.  The office has grown from just being my boss and me to seven of us, one of which is a coworker from 20 years ago to my boss and she is a CPA, although she has never done anything with taxes until now.  She came in to become a part-owner of the business.  So, lots of changes over the last seven years.

We were in an office building that we knew was becoming a D rated one, although there was a time when it was at least a B.  The office had been there for nine years.  A new owner took possession and didn't really care to whom he leased.  We ended up with a couple of studios in the building - a rap studio and a film studio.  Then we started smelling marijuana in the halls, elevator, even wafting into our office.  The hookers moved in above us - noticed because some legitimate massage therapists in the building were getting new clients who wanted a bit more, the way the women dressed and, I don't know, maybe the neon light in the window (against the lease but allowed nonetheless).  The real therapists just started sending them up to the third floor.  And next, one of the other tenants caught them having parties, on all of the floors in the hallway.  Everyone made complaints. When we sent an email to the management property, the response was, "Some tenants are not as professional as your office".  WHAT?!?!?!?!  So we had an attorney look at our lease to see how we could get out of the remaining two and a half years.

That's was when the worst thing possible could have happened.  At one of the parties, someone brought a gun and when an argument ensued, one man shot two others.  The first, whom we learned later was named Shawn, staggered down to the parking lot and died.  The second fled about two blocks away, was found in critical condition, and died later at the hospital.  That was the last straw. None of us wanted to be in the building, particularly at night.  But we often are during tax season. We asked to be let out of our lease, as did many other tenants, and we were allowed to do so.  People moved out in droves.

We found a new office, had to have construction done on it for it to fit our needs and began to pack. Five weeks later, we were spending a Saturday moving out of one and into the other. Next was getting settled in comfortably and because we had anticipated moving in earlier, we had already sent out notices about the move and inviting our clients to an open house.  It was a whirlwind of activity for a while there.  But it feels great to be out of the old building and into an A-class office building now.

So, with all this on my plate, I fell behind on blogging.  I put in some long hours with the move, the screw up with Comast that didn't have us hooked up until four days after they were supposed to, and the party.  But, as Beth Ann says, "They're back".....  

What My Heart Knows, My Mind Keeps Rejecting

I've become aware that my daughter is telling lies to at least one friend - about why she came home and possibly a few other items. She said I begged and cried for her to come home and she couldn't say no.  But that's not even close to the truth.  I simply said if she was willing to contract with us for doing her chores (she didn't and she's not), we would "Let" her come home.  But her job as a live-in nanny fell through and she wouldn't extend her current job.  She's not doing as much at home as she did sometimes before and not doing what she said she would, but she is here of her own free will and without tears or begging from me.  Honestly, I only wanted to be sure she was safe but I'd begun to enjoy how much less work I had to do when it was just me.  She also lied about how I felt about her going to Church.  She said I was angry.  But honestly, I long ago stopped worrying about that.  I've done my part in raising her and it is all down to her choice; her free agency.  She's an adult.  She has to fly her own path.

My heart says to put this away and know that she is sicker than we ever knew.  She struggles to love actual blood-related family and considers only her online friends her family.  She says she will have nothing to do with any of her blood-related family.  Some of that is understandable.  One of my brothers is extremely difficult to deal with most of the time and has been very hurtful, particularly to me. I was the last one making an effort with him in the family and even I have given up. My younger sister is a bit out there if you make her mad.  And my family was used to always going off on me, taking it out on me, and that hasn't stopped.  But they are my family.  I just don't deal well with arguing, anger, cruel name-calling and destructive behaviors that most people don't realize you can never take back.  Especially when it doesn't even seem egged on by anything but lack of a reaction to something or, sadly, politics *insert rolling eyes here*.  My semi-sister always sides with and behaves in a manner following my younger sister.  My older sister has passed, so there is no longer that equation.  But my other brother has never been cruel or rude or anything negative to me, my husband or my daughter as adults - yet she includes him, and all of my husband's siblings (most of whom she barely knows) as unworthy of her association.  And says not knowing them well is why they are not family to her.  News flash - you can't change who your family is.  But you can cut them out of your life and that seems to be her thing for now.

I am addressing how to deal with this in therapy.  So far, my therapist is a bit shocked at how much we've done to try to improve things and have it not help.  I'm praying for the strength to deal with this, to rest my heart in that I did the best I could in raising her and cannot help her anymore.  And that people inside of our circle of family, friends and even acquaintances, see that these statements she makes about cruelty and abuse are unfounded.  Quite the opposite in that she's terribly (albeit secretly) verbally abusive to us.

My heart knows I cannot change things.  I am releasing this pain and hurt enough to let her drift away if that is what she chooses.  I believe with all my heart that she will come to realize life is lonely without your family - especially once we are gone from this earth.  I just pray it doesn't take her that long.      

And She's Back

My 20-year-old daughter was gone for about three weeks and came home.  We're working on things. The three of us - she, her dad, and I - sat down and talked.  I mediated because she and her dad had not had a lot of contact at that point and there were very hurt feelings that had not been addressed. But we made leaps and bounds.  We've talked about family counseling, which I've asked her to instigate but she has yet to do so.  I think we still need it.  And I started to see a counselor again.

On my third visit to my counselor, she and I talked about my mediating our family talk and she said, "Wow, you don't really need counseling." But I do.  Not on how to deal with my daughter's difficult emotional state, although I think we'll do some Love Language tests and see if that helps.  I already know my love language is service because I'm forgiving about words, which in the long run, mean nothing.  But I think I do need therapy on how to cope with my physical changes that are permanent from when I got sick. I've buried that at the moment because other things have been more important to address.  But it's there, sitting in the back of my throat, having chipped a chunk out of my heart.  I need to grieve and not have someone tell me, "But you lived."  Yeah, I did, but I lost something important that my life and ability to work is affected by.  And one of my major soothers of my soul has been taken from me for the rest of my life.  So, yeah, there is that.

If you don't follow my blog, don't know me, you aren't aware that I sing.  Correction - I used to sing. Not professionally, by any means. Not even in a choir as an older adult.  But I grew up in a family where there was always music.  My mother played the piano and my older sister played the guitar. Every family get-together was filled with singing - hymns, folk music, Christmas carols, Mom & Dad's favorites from the '40s and '50s.  We sang.  I have.....no, had, a beautiful voice.  I sang in the car, around the house, in the shower, sitting at my computer listening to music, and at church.  This was a stress reliever to me; a soothing sound to my soul.    But I no longer have that ability.  My daughter even said, with tears in her eyes, "You won't be able to sing to my babies like you did to me."  My last specialist confirmed there is nothing that can be done without risking losing my speaking voice, too.  But I need that for my job.

So life moves on, as it must, and we work through the difficult times and pray for better with our best effort given to make it so.