Snow Flurries and Memories

We had some snow flurries a couple of days ago which I watched with relish outside my office window. My three co-workers groaned. But I was almost giddy with excitement. I know, I'm sick. But snow has some wonderful and rare lovely childhood memories for me.

Every winter, for the first snow of the season, my dad would come into my younger sister's and my room, and wake us with these words, "Girls, it's snowing outside." My sister and I...well, okay, my sister required twelve hours of sleep every night, so it was really just me...would bound out of bed to the window to look out on the glistening moonlit wonderland that blanketed the yard, icicles hanging like crystal shards from the trees and feel the vision pull my thoughts into a fairytale world. Sometimes I would open the front door and breathe in the cold air, filling my lungs to capacity, then watch the cloud of white as I exhaled. The sight of the first kiss of winter filled my head and I held it until the next time because by the time I returned to bed and got up again, an animal - perhaps a pet or something wild - had trampled it and the enchantment was gone.

I also love the quiet of a good snowstorm. I haven't experienced that much since becoming an adult and moving from the country into a city, but if it's late enough or snowy enough to drive everyone indoors come evening, I can lose myself in that muted silence that only the snow covered world produces.

Snow evokes thoughts of bundling up in warm clothes, sledding down steep hills, snowman building, sipping hot chocolate. My eyes drift westward to spy the snow capped mountains I've grown up around almost my whole life. It brings back memories of taking my now twelve year old daugther outside when she was a toddler to look for footprints in the snow and guess what animal - or human - made them, to compare our own to each other, to taste it on our tongues. I love the winter unequivocally. I prefer it to any other season, though I also enjoy the spring and fall months. But winter just has something special. I can hardly wait for the first "real" snow - the stuff that sticks and stays a couple of hours before the sun warms it away. And the best part? It's just around the corner.

Changes That Make You Tired...or...Am I Really THAT Old???

In the last six months, I've made some major changes. I went from being a stay-at-home mom to working 3 days a week, then 4 days a week, then 5 days a week and now I'm actually working 40 hours a week until at least December and they are talking about making my job full time permanently. I;m torn. I don't know if I want to do that. Then again, we'd have insurance (even if it is Kaiser, which I've never liked but hear can be okay if you go to the right location). I'd never have to worry about not having insurance again (as long as I had my job). But I would lose all my doctors - the OBGYN who helped me through my pregnancy, delivery and subsequent miscarriages and whom I've seen for the last 13 years now, my endocrinologist who, although I don't see him, I do like the PA I see in his office for the same length of time, and our family Dr. who has only been our Dr. for a couple of years but whose office we've been at for about 6 years now. That would suck. But even more than that, I really don't know if I want to work full time. I'm tired. My house is a filthy, disgusting pit of despair. My heart feels like it's missing out on my daughter's teen years because, although I'm home shortly after her even on the days I go work out, I miss seeing her off at the school every morning and watching her walk out to the car every afternoon. I miss our talks in the car about how her day went on the way home. Of course, maybe this is a good, baby steps beginning for when she goes off to college (not that long from now). I miss puttering around the house cleaning up this and that while the house is quiet and empty - shoot, I miss cleaning at all. I miss Judge Judy once or twice a week - lol (that's about all I ever watched it). I miss feeling organized, knowing when things are scheduled, remembering everything I'm supposed to when I'm supposed to remember it. I miss feeling like a mom. Who has a brain.

Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE my job! I LOVE the women I work with who are funny and strong personalities and who have a great work ethic. I LOVE that they appreciate me. I LOVE that I am working in a situation that ultimately helps the special needs kids in our District, but I do it behind the scenes. I LOVE my one co-worker who has done this job for about 17 years laughing at me when I have such hope that some issue we're dealing with will actually be resolved - LOL. I LOVE that my office boss, who is the other co-worker, tells me she appreciates me. I LOVE that they accept me for who I am, without seeming to be irritated by me and my ?bright? ideas (which could simply be an illusion, but that's where I want to be and that's what illusions are all about...). I LOVE that we discuss things we might do to make things work better and they actually consider what I say as valid. That's a big deal to me. I feel like I have value because of them and their attitude toward me and I really LOVE them for that. Feeling valuable, appreciated, even needed are the things we all wish we felt at least now and then. I get to feel that a lot at my job.

So, I'm torn. On the one hand, I really, really wish my job would become a permanent full time job so I could provide insurance for our family and I could continue to bring in a significant part of our income. I like knowing I am making a difference - a big difference right now. On the other hand, I never envisioned myself working full time until Rachel was off to college. I know - lots of people don't get to have that blessing and I have had almost all of the first 12 years of her life being there for her all the time. But she's my one and only and this is the only chance I have at being a mom. When the time has passed because she's all grown up, I am done with parenting (well, the part you do before they leave home, anyway). I don't get to focus on child number two or three or whatever. And my whole life, all I ever truly wanted to be was a mother. A part of me feels cheated.

Ultimately, I know we all must do what we must do. I know that I provide my daughter with pretty much everything she needs as her mother and I know that she will NOT look back at this time thinking I wasn't there for her because I'm not missing that much time with her. And with this job, I am lucky to enjoy what I'm doing and feeling like I can really help make a difference where it counts. As the scriptures say in Matthew 25:40 - "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." So even though it IS behind the scenes, we do a good service by bringing funds into the District so the special needs kids receive the care and support they need. That's really what it's all about.

There are future resolutions. I could get a housekeeper once Jay is working full time so I no longer need to worry about that - I can just keep the vacuuming, dishes and laundry up and work on my book more. I could get my two loves busy doing regular picking up after themselves, set rules of not being able to leave stuff laying around, organize the house better this summer and try to get rid of some stuff again. I know I could make it work and full time in a school district is really not like full time in other jobs. There is a lot of time off. I'd still be able to take off the days Rachel is off from school except during the summer and then I'm sure I'd be able to cut my hours. Truth is, it wouldn't be so bad. Of course, now that I've sort of talked myself into it, it probably won't happen - LOL. We'll see.