Seeking Change

I have asked someone close to me to change; to better themselves in a way that requires a great deal of soul-searching and humbling. I have asked them to do this as a condition to continue as a part of my life. But in the same breath, I have asked this of myself and thought long and hard about what might be my least....shall we say, attractive?....trait.

Though, as I have been known to repeat, I am not perfect, I do work toward that place despite the realization I will never reach it here on this earth. And because I carry a fragile urn of self-esteem, I try to focus less on the not so attractive and more on what I do have to offer in a positive light. You might say, "Bah! How can you improve yourself if you don't look at the negative parts?" And you have a point. I DO look at those - in my dark hours, when I am weary from day to day life and wanting to make it better for myself. After all, I know full well the secret that the only one I can ever correct and change is myself.

The first indication of what that important change must be was at a recent interview. The dreaded question, "What is one of your weaknesses?" was asked. Of course, that is not where your mind is when you're trying to convince someone you're the right choice for the job. But I had to think quickly and what came to mind was something along the lines of, "When I feel right, feel passionate about something, I think I can be a bit forceful in my opinion. Not that I don't listen to other's advise and their side of things, but I think I can come on a bit strong with my own opinion." After it came out of my mouth, I thought, "That is NOT what I want anyone to know about me. It's honest, but...Man!"

The second indication came today. There was a visitor in my home whom I have not exactly heard many positive comments about. I unfairly allowed that to rest in my mind. This person said something about how unfair and difficult it is to legally enter this country and I heard myself "forcefully" state that there are lots of people who come here legally all the time, learn our language and become successful citizens. Again, as soon as I said it - in the fashion I did - I felt remorse. This is not how I want to be perceived. This is not who I want to be and there was a time when I was not this way. I remember taking a backseat to siblings while they all went on and on about this and that and I just steered away from it. If I made comment, I simply stated my opinion and let it lie there, not caring if they disagreed. As a new mother, tender in my heart for the new life I'd helped create, I recall not minding if anyone listened to my opinion. I just did what I knew was right. But at some point over the years, I felt the need to fight for what knowledge I do possess and make sure it was heard by whomever I was speaking to at the moment.

I could analyze this and say it's because of this or that, but that won't bring me where I want to be. Instead, and I do know this will be extremely difficult to overcome, I will pray for help in changing that. I don't care that someone thinks they know more than I do. I really, really don't. Yes, it bothers me if they think I'm not very knowledgeable, but I can live with that. It's their problem, not mine. What I need to do is learn to put into practice the saying, "You get more with honey than vinegar". So this will be my trial toward change. This will be what I work to improve. And as I move toward independence and financial stability on my own two feet, I will move toward higher self-esteem and the time will come when I will view the person refusing to see my knowledge as the one suffering, the one lacking self-esteem and know that I have handled it with grace.

Surprised by.....Changes of the Heart

Sunday, something happened that surprised me. Words were spoken that reflected a humbling I have never witnessed in him before. There was a certain sincerity I had come to believe no longer existed toward me. And the icy coating around my heart cracked here and there. I thought, "Might this be so? Am I seeing something I never anticipated?" It appeared I was seeing just that. I began to pray for help because I had been certain we would not be moving in the direction this experience was now turning me toward. I was....surprised.

I am by no means perfect. Very far from it, in fact. But I try to do my best and am ashamed when I fail those I love and those whose expectation are higher than I managed to reach at times. When that happens, I pray for strength to improve and do better. I think about how I could have handled things differently for a different, a better, outcome.

In my current job, I train people and one of the things I discuss is "positive outcome responses" or POR. At work, that means a response in which the outcome results in higher funding but it can only be obtained if the actions at the time are health related. Sometimes they simply are not and you can do nothing to change that. For instance, if you're assisting a student with something academic or you have a day off because you're sick or you only work four days a week, your response will not result in a POR. In life, a POR means something totally different. A POR means responding in a manner that helps heal, brings things to a peaceful result, lifts another's spirits, etc. But in both circumstances, there is no telling what the ultimate response will be. You cannot always determine how you will respond to a surprising behavior or hurtful words or festering anger. You cannot always put away your regret, your heartache or your displeasure. So we hope that the other party or parties involved can be patient and kind toward us; that they can forgive us without holding on to any negative feelings. If that person isn't in the right place, either, that likely won't happen.

So what do you do to move toward POR in your every day life? Well, I think I know. That's not the hard part. The hard part is putting away the negative feelings in a place where they can dissolve away - not fester to come rushing out as a volcano when things aren't what we desire them to be. Ah, then there's the rub. Or is it as simple as a prayer? I think it is. I believe that if I ask sincerely for help in melting away those negative feelings, I will be able to with His help.

What's not a surprise to me anymore is just how intricately my Heavenly Father intertwines in my life. Without my faith, without His and the Savior's abiding love, I cannot make things right; I cannot be whole. So there is where I will settle my heart and burdens for healing. And trust that the ultimate outcome is the right one and will come about on its own.

Sometimes, Music Speaks Right To Me

Bob Marley - Three Little Birds - Pasted the words below, too.




"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Losing Something

I'm not sure, with all that has gone on, how much I've lost or if that loss is forever. After 17 years, I can't just close the door, despite that seeming to be the most likely scenario. My emotions go from one place to another. Right now, being sick, I'm in a tougher place where the tears are coming again after having none for a little over a week. I get the comfort I need from the right places - prayer, scriptures, church and my closest friends - but I also know no one can understand, really understand, how I feel. So in that regard, I am alone. Mixed in with all this is a big ball of hurt that I want to send away but can't. All I can do is continue to seek solace in my faith and with my close friends and then to give it time while I try to put my daughter and I in a place where we can be financially self sufficient. If there is one thing I cannot bare for long, it is to rely on others for financial assistance. I need to be able to do this on my own, so I am working hard at finding a better paying job with benefits. If you're reading, keep me in your prayers.

Who Decides?

There is some speculation that someone other than myself decides what the future holds for me. Of course, that's not true because the "no thanks" is the decision that counts; the one that's the actual decision to be made. The "we'll make it" isn't really a decision at all - it's a gamble. And not a very attractive one right now. I don't know if it ever will be again but I'm leaning to the "no thanks" more than I ever imagined I would. In fact, I'm standing in that circle at the moment.

I was always taught that when you do something wrong, you humble yourself and ask for forgiveness. And humbling means you step back from your own pride, your own feelings, any expectation of how others might react and basically take your licks. That seems right. It feels right and it's how I've always managed things. It's how almost everyone I know manages things. But I have come to realize that's not the case for everyone. And it's actually a surprise to me. "Foolish girl," says the voiceover in my head in a very sinister tone. But I like to think the best of people, even when they continually fail that position.

My future looks far different from what I imagined just a few years ago. But the thing is, it feels right to go in this direction. To have peacefulness in my home, to not feel on edge - constantly watching my words and taking jabs that I don't even know if the other person is aware of making. Probably not. It's nice to laugh EVERY day. It's nice to feel like my home is a santcuary, not just the next set of stressors.

So, I am looking at a different future and I am preparing the one I most love, the one most dear to my heart, for that transition. Prayer, scriptures, attending church, having family home evening. Those are my strongholds. That's what will make it so we can move forward to a better future - with or without. It's up to me to choose. No one else can.

A Long, Long Road

Sometimes a path is so long that the end is not in sight. And sometimes that inability to see makes it impossible to determine what actions you should choose, especially when your actions depend on another's efforts. The one thing I know for sure is that I can change myself. I can do my best and change my thinking and improve my lot in life by my own actions. These are steps I am already taking. My power statement is: I wait for no one.

I will go on alone to this place for myself and it is up to others to follow me if they choose. If they can.

All this tumult stirring around in a huge pot was added to last night. My anchor of, "at least this will never be an issue,", although something I had begun to greatly doubt, crashed last night. Can I recover? Yes, with prayer, scriptures and time. Can I forgive? Yes, again, with prayer, scriptures and time. Do I want to pursue reconciliation? That is what I cannot answer. That is what depends entirely on another. And those requirements are steep and firm. But time must be allowed to pass and decisions by another must be reached. I will not, can not, make a decision on what I will do until then. And so I will not.

Whatever my future holds, it will be in the palm of the Savior with His arms firmly wrapped around my heart to give me peace and to help me find happiness with His help.

The Ache Today

Sorrow gives us pause to be grateful. That seems strange in so many ways, but true, too. I am on auto pilot, attending to what I must with work and home as best I can. But tonight I had a few moments of not being so exhausted I fell asleep the moment I sat down at home and I had nothing pressing to do. And I felt the ache creep up into my heart almost immediately.

It's snowing like crazy outside and I'm afraid tomorrow will end up being a snow day and I will be stuck here at home all day long. On the other side, I would be able to clean and get my resume and applications all done in a single day. If I stay busy, I'm coping.

I did not see this future when I was young and dreamed of life as a wife and mother. I did not imagine this pain as a part of it. I did not think there would be such uncertainty. I feel such a need to 'know' - know the future, know the plans, know what's been done so far, know what I will have to do to endure this without being a burden and with a light enough heart to shore up my child. But I cannot call. I cannot follow up. I cannot do anything but wait for word from others as to what is being done and when I need to do something.

My Bishop counsels me not to think too far ahead. I'm a planner, so that is no easy task. But how can I plan when I have no idea of what is going on elsewhere? How can I plan when everything is so frightening and confusing? How can I plan when there is nothing there to see because of uncertainty? And that's a hard place for someone who plans and looks far into the future like me.

So what now? I have only one recourse. I must pray and wait, trust and build my faith, accept His will, knowing that regardless of how I feel or what I want, he will guide me toward what is best and, if I listen well, the course will be tolerable and I will survive, as will my child, regardless of the ending.

Katherine Hepburn said: You learn in life that the only person you can correct and change is yourself.

So this is the path I am choosing. To become better than I have been. To be a better mother, a better daughter of God, a better earthly daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better employee. This I can choose. This I can change. This is within my control and in my future. This I CAN plan.

A Letter To Myself

No one really reads this blog these days - mostly because I hardly ever post and I'm not exactly entertaining. That's okay. I first started blogging back around....2001? I believe, when I needed an outlet for my emotions that I had to keep locked up so frequently. It helped. And along the way, it let me exercise my writing skills. But right now, I need to just write - without concern of who will read and without concern of what I need to say. I just need to let go. If you do happen to pop on here and think what's below is too much for you, too personal or leaves you too mystified, that's okay. I'm not really spelling much out because it all came down the pike just today and I don't know what the future holds and I've not had enough time to sort things out in my mind or my heart. But here goes.

Today, November 6, 2010, will be burned into my mind for a long time. Maybe forever. It will contain heartbreak, especially my heartbreak for my daughter's terror and sadness. It will contain many, many tears from both of us, but especially from me. It will contain a great deal of thankfulness to friends who came in droves and called to help, support, and give us TLC when we most needed it. But saddest and most surprising of all to me at the moment, is that it will/does contain some relief. I hadn't realized how much stress and trauma was upon my shoulders; upon my soul. Hadn't realized how much I was putting in to it, working so hard to do it right. Because I couldn't get it right. It was never right whether I talked softly, talked lots, held my tongue - talking none at all, cried, screamed, said things I regret or pleaded. It's difficult to realize you can't ever get something right when you finally see that's the case. When you see you're swimming upstream and all it's accomplished is that you're exhausted in your heart and body from the effort. When you finally see it isn't what you're doing wrong or what you're not doing; that it just wouldn't have mattered at all no matter what you did. But I get it now. I see this truth I guess I've denied myself because I wanted to be able to fix things - things I don't have the power to fix and never did.

I am grateful for good friends, loving family, and most of all, being held in the arms of the Comforter when you just feel undone. Thank goodness for my faith. Thank goodness for Heavenly Father's loving guidence. Thank goodness for an understanding of His great love and His desire for us to overcome what hardships we must endure here and find the joy in life. It may not feel like it right now, but I know it will be okay.