Just a Tumbling Thought in Space

Modernized Scriptures?????
I was looking through a catalog (I refer to them as 'dream books') and saw this plaque that said:
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I thought, what a cool quote, but I swear that doesn't look familiar to me at all. So I looked at the itty, bitty, tiny print - then had Rachel read it for me because I couldn't - to find it referenced Jeremiah 29:11. This is what is says in the King James version, the most commonly used Christian version of the Bible:

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."

Yeah, pretty close. I think it says He knows us inside and out, our true hearts, our deepest thoughts and loves us beyond our own understanding. Does He desire good for us? For us to prosper and delight in our lives? That our thoughts and days be filled with peace - the inner peace that a surety of faith can give us? I believe that answer is yes. And that this message offers hope for the future or that expected end in our return to live with our Heavenly Father.

Okay, I'm no scholar, obviously. I learn largely by my heart and when I read that plaque, I wanted to read the actual scripture because I like what it says. And I found out I like what the actual scripture says. But I like the way the actual scripture says it.

Getting a Little Lift

I did something BIG for me on Friday. I shared the first 42 pages of my story with a teacher at school that I highly respect and who was an amazing mentor to Rachel last year. Today, she stopped me in the hall and told me she absolutely LOVED IT! I got chills. I blushed terribly. I was really excited. I'd asked her to go ahead and edit it for me and she only found 2 things. One sentence I knew needed work but I hadn't sorted it out yet and one misspelled word. Anyway, she told me that she got her cup of coffee this weekend, sat down in a comfortable chair and started to read and a little way into it, the phone rang. It was her daughter. She told her she'd call her back. She said she really wanted to read more and not be interupted and that told her that she was really enjoying the book. She wants more pages. I am more pleased and excited than I can imagine. She also asked me if I'd done research for the book (I had) and that she found the historical aspect very interesting and that it added a wonderful element to the story. Okay, here's another cool, exciting thing she said, "Maybe they would want to make it into a movie, too." I am jumping up and down inside with excitement. I can't wait to finish it.

I feel so good about this book. I feel good about it because I prayed about something I could do while staying at home that would make a significant difference in our family's situation financially. After praying for a long time and listening for a long time, what came to me was, "I gave you this talent, use it. Write a book." So I started working on it - first as short stories that I began to bring together and then letting my main character tell me the story. I'm not done, but I'm close and I believe this book will sell and do well. I can hardly wait to see how it turns out.

The Most Important Thing

I don't know about you, but I rate a lot of things as Very Important. Family, friends, work, helping people, reading, writing on my book and so on. But what I rarely mention but know to be true is that the most important thing is really: my spirituality, faith, covenants I've made with God, ect. Everything else in my world and life center completely around that. All I have is a gift from God. All I am capable of, I am capable of because of God. Yet lately, that's sort of been on the back burner. Well, throughout my whole life it has been up and down on how much of my time I give to it. But lately, we've hardly made it to church. Not because we don't want to, but because things seem to interfer with it. For instance, on two different Sunday's, we've had to either take Jay to work or pick him up from it smack at the time we would be going to church. There are bus options, but on these two days, not options that worked with when he got in, how much stuff he was having to haul home or when he had to be there. On the return home trip, he'd been gone on a very long route and had lots and lots of stuff to haul home - dirty laundry, books on tape due back to the library, ect. So riding the bus would have been a nightmare. On the trip to work, he got a call at the last minute and it was all we could do to get him out the door and to work in time. Last Sunday, a Daddy starved Rachel nearly broke down in tears not wanting to go to Sunday School because she would be away from Jay, whom we've seen very, very little of lately. So we stayed just for Sacrament (church service). This morning, having spent two days cleaning furiously, doing laundry, running errands and sleeping on our airbed that sprung a leak in the center bladder on my side, I woke up barely able to walk and with a throbbing headache. I'd actually been having to fill the airbed every night only to wake up to it having flattened for about four days. All of these things contributed to my back just having all it could take, I guess. Jay patched the bed today (he got in early this morning and took the bus home, a two hour ordeal) and I went back to bed on a firm mattress. When I got up, I was much better with just a twinge in my low back but the headache returning. We stayed home. But I wanted to cry because I KNOW we need that spiritual feeding every week. We have a three day weekend next week with Friday off from school, so I'm certain we will make it and I have already told Rachel we MUST stay for the whole thing from now on. She knows, understands and wants to anyway. Jay knows, too.

I just don't want to be complacent in this. For someone who hasn't found their truth, making a commitment to ones faith might not seem important. But to someone who has, it's a huge matter. Not one of guilt or regret, but of understanding what it does for your happiness, your soul, your day to day coping and your outer as well as inner appearance. A quote I have on my fridge says:

Seven days without reading the scriptures makes one weak.

Well, I think that applies to attending church, prayer, living as faithfully as you can. So right now, I feel a bit spiritually weak. Next week, I know that well will be filled again.

The Frustration of the Hunt

So the job hunt continues for Jay. He's actually had some amazing opportunities with interviews but none have worked out so far. The odd part has been that they really seem to like him at first. So I couldn't figure out what the problem was. Then he came home from this last interview (which included a test, like most of the interviews) and said he couldn't answer even one question on the test. Not one. Now, he's been telling me for several months that he didn't feel like he was doing very well on the tests. I suggested he keep in mind what subject/area the questions were on (as I'm sure they all would be somewhat similar) and study those areas in his books from school. He pulled two books out of all his stuff about a month ago. He still, as of this date, hasn't cracked one of them open. Of course, he's terribly distressed that he is unable to pass the tests (or answer any questions at all) even though he's not studied or even looked at the inside of the text books he takes with him to work. Duh. I have a hard time feeling sorry for him. It sucks being the target in the aftermath with the depression from his not yet getting one of these jobs - even though he knows why and what he needs to do and if he did do it, his path would likely be very different. In the meantime, he continues to work for this stinking company that pays the least he's EVER made since we've been married and costs us TONS in insurance premiums every week. *sigh*

I've been cleaning the house without having him help with anything - and believe me, when he's home, he's a MAJOR mess maker around here who NEVER cleans up after himself. I've taken care of getting all our prescriptions, Rachel's needs met, running the dog every day, getting the dog and cats all to the vet without his help, handling all the bills, ect. It's been frustrating because I've been doing all that so he could spend all of his time at home job hunting, filling out applications, ect. You would think he's spent a lot of time doing so. Hmmmmm......no. One hour here, 15 minutes there. Yeah, I'm pretty ticked off. I'll get over it, but for now, I'm pretty irritated.

If only I could find a contact, network something for him, light a match under his back side. Something to get things moving! But for now, I'll just have to make plans to get my book done and pray I can get it published.

Follow Up On The Heart

Well, I'll be darned! The cardiologist said it was just a blip, a normal heart rhythm, my heart murmur (which I knew about as I developed it after having Rachel - a common occurrance in pregnant woman). The chest pain, ect., is strongly suspected to be anxiety related. Hmmm, it does happen when I'm really stressed out and upset. And that would be different than the pain I have when it's my back. Makes sense and I'll take it. Still, I can't just say all bets are off. I have to address this weight issue because if I don't, I will be diagnosed with a heart problem. This was quite a scare. But today was a huge relief.

Oh, and I got my awful, trashy, nasty hair cut today!!!!

And a new computer. Not that we could afford it, but my computer utterly, totally died. Thank goodness I had my novel on disc, too. I had to delete a boatload of stuff, some vital to have the computer run, in order to get some other stories and stuff Rachel has written on to a disc. Shortly after doing so, it completely died. So, I'm torn. I have a little guilt that we spent some money on this, but I also absolutely LOVE it! It's so much faster than my old one which I'd been nursing along for a long time (about 3 years). I'm sure I'll get over the guilt.....;)

The Dog, The Cat and My Heart

Our dog, Daisy, fell getting into the mini van the other day. She's getting a little crippled up and was really excited to go for a car ride. Jay had run her (take her out and throw her Frizbees for her) and he runs her pretty hard. Anyway, when she tried the second time to get in while I was trying to quickly get the back door open for her to make life easier, she fell again and whined a little because she clearly hurt her right rear leg. She wouldn't stand on it at all. Jay lifted her in to the car and she immediately calmed down and seemed to be better. I figured I'd be making an emergency vet run on the way home at first, though. Anyway, we took Jay to work and by the time we were on our way home, she was moving her leg pretty well. When we got home, I tried to lift her out (she's a 58 pounder) and couldn't really get a good grip on her, so she gingerly jumped out without incident. She was pretty crippled up, so I gave her half an aspirin in some cheese to help ease her pain and then I didn't run her for 2 days so she could give the leg time to heal. Monday, I went to work and put her in her crate, as usual. I'm gone about 6 hours a day, but she does fine with a Kong ball with treats and peanut butter in it and some chew bones. However, when I opened the front door Monday afternoon, I was hit but a wickedly disgusting smell - she'd had the runs in her crate. Yuck!!! I spent the next 45 minutes cleaning that all up - washing the blanket 3 times and scrubbing the flooring with antibacterial soap, water and a brush. Then I sprayed the whole house with Febreeze, partly to get the smell out of my brain. It was a warmer day, so I had the windows open, thankfully. Anyway, when I brought her back in from the back yard and we got ready to head out for her run, she puked a little. Ah, yes, it was a lovely day.......NOT!!! That reeked like poop, so she had clearly eaten some when in her crate, likely trying to clean it up. Thankfully, that was on the hardwood entryway and was an easy clean up with antibacterial soap and water. We went for the run and I figured if she had anything else in her, she'd get rid of it while we were outside. But NNNOOOO! She had a little (LOT) more for me. We got inside, she took a small drink of water and then puked A LOT on the CARPET!!!! Same retched stench, too. I then spent another 45 minutes scrubbing carpet. I had to go pick up Rachel from school and when I got back and sat in my rocker which was near the puke spot, I thought I smelled just the faintest stink to it. So, back at it with another 30 minutes of scrubbing. Finally, I could smell nothing but the soap perfume. I spread baking soda on it overnight, vacuumed it in the morning and sprayed it with Febreeze, just to be sure. Ummmm, it appears our carpet was once lighter than it is now...ahem. But it doesn't smell anymore!!

Now for the cat story: Yesterday, I ate some beef jerky. I like that once in a while. So does our cat, Lacey. She begs and climbs on me like some lunatic. I don't eat the stuff much because of that, but when I do, I give her just a tiny bit torn into little pieces. But yesterday, she decided it wasn't going to sit right with her and puked it up. Twice. I was like, "Okay, already! Enough!" Sometimes, I really wonder why, why, why we ever agreed to have pets.

As for the heart issue....I had to see the Dr. today for a follow up on my blood pressure. She does this periodically when it's time to renew my prescription. Well, it was up higher than it's been in some time (okay, like BEFORE I took high blood pressure medication). Occasionally when I go in, it will be up if a lot of stressful stuff is going on; but on follow-up, it's back to normal. This time, it was higher and she decided to put me on an additional med for it to try to bring that down. It's a better blood pressure med choice for me because of the diabetes, though. Then she asked THE question: Had I had any shortness of breath, chest pain, ect. I thought what I experienced was from my back issues. Okay, I wanted to believe it was from my back issues even though I knew it was different from that pain. So I admitted I was having that occasionally when under a lot of stress. She wanted to do a quick EKG and, dang it, found an anomaly. She said, "Don't worry, it's not a big deal at this point and you aren't going to have a heart attack right now, but it needs to be looked at more closely." I have to have a stress test now and to be honest, I'm a little scared. My parents both started having heart problems in their early 50's. Well, they were diagnosed then. My mom was on heart meds by 52 and my dad had a heart attack and subsequent pacemaker by 54.

Here's my rant - I am sick of having health issues and although I KNOW they are ALL related to the fact that I am fat, I feel like such a failure at changing that. I have so much foot pain after a day at work that I don't have it in me to work out when I get home at night. I already get up at 4:35 on weekdays to get to work in time and I really, really can't see getting up at 3 a.m. to exercise. Yes, once school is out, I can immediately get focused and start a workout routine again, but MAN, I am ticked off that I was doing so great with WW and Curves before I had to take on working more and now things are getting worse for me physically. I'm really MAD! And....yes, resentful. And I know that's not fair, but I am. Dang it!

So, what will I do? I will start eating a little more carefully. I will start logging my food on my journal on the WW site that I pay $12.95 a month to have access to. I will plan to start working out the day after the last day of school when I know my feet can take it. And I will pray a whole lot that I can finally, finally, finally do something about my weight without allowing ANYTHING or ANYONE to interfer with my progress - Especially when I am actually making great progress. Because that ALWAYS seems to be the case. Just as I'm making noticable physical changes in myself, something happens that causes me to have to quit WW or Curves or some other program I've started. And I just CAN'T let that be anymore.

I know, I've said ALL of this before. I know. I wish I had the money for gastric bypass, because I tell you, I'd do it at this point. I'm scared I'm going to die if something doesn't change. I have a little girl to raise and there is NO ONE who can raise her as well as I can. She needs me (as much as I need her) and if I can't do this for myself, then I MUST do this for her. Pray for me......

Sleeping the Day Away

Literally. That's what I did today. Every so often, I feel really worn out and I stay in my robe and lay around all day. Forget the filthy house that needs a cleaning. Forget the dishes, laundry, taking out the trash, whatever. I just need to sleep. So I got up at 8 a.m. and then laid on the couch from about 11 a.m. until, oh.....maybe 4 p.m. when I got up to see if Rachel had gotten her own lunch. Isn't that awful? But she had occupied her time with the computer and stuff and didn't even realize I was sleeping most of that time. I did make her dinner......Yeah, I feel better about things now - lol.


Recently, there has been a video on the news of a number of girls attacking and beating another teenage girl in one of their homes. It was video taped with plans to place it on YouTube or some other Internet avenue. Instead, it's on the news and these girls and two boys who stood as lookouts are all charged in the crime. Watching it, I am appalled. I was even more so when it was stated that this beaten girl suffered a concussion, eye and ear damage from the beating. And what topped it all was a fool of a mother (or so she calls herself) who stated this girl "had it coming". Such a statement gave a bit of understanding to why at least one of these criminals did what she did and felt justified. She had no decent example or expectation set for her. Apparently, none of these teens did.

You don't have to be a Christian to have good, decent standards and morals that you live by. I have known people who do without having any religious base for it. But those who are Christian or call themselves so, have the ultimate example set for them (us). This quote from Leo Tolstoy speaks to just that:

For us, with the rule of right and wrong given us by Christ, there is nothing for which we have no standard.

Despite that, children must be taught to live by that example. We are all imperfect in our own ways, but should strive to be an example to our children as best we can. I know I have failed at that many times, but I also know that my daughter has been blessed to have the examples set for her by other where I have failed because of who she/we surround ourselves with in our lives. I'm grateful to all those people in her life who have taught her goodness, kindness and decency when I have failed to do so.

A Good Home

"Good homes are not easily created or maintained. They require discipline, not so much of children as of self. They require respect for others, that respect which comes best from acceptance of the revealed word of the Lord concerning the purpose of life, of the importance and sacred nature of the family, and recongnition of each member of the family as a child of God." - President Gordon B. Hinckley

Gordon B. Hinckley was the prophet of my church for....12 years, I think it was. He passed away a few months ago and a new prophet, Thomas S. Monson, has been called. President Hinckley was the prophet when my husband joined the church. His mission on this earth led to the doubling of temples during his leadership and many, many good words like the quote above.

I was single for a long time. I was 33 years old when I met and quickly married Jay. Making a good home, a happy home when you are living alone can be quite easy. Making a good and happy home when you count two people is much more difficult. Add in the mix the great joy of a child and I found I worked harder at achieving that goal. Making a good home is a lot of work, but it is so worth it to hear it filled with laughter, prayer, kindness, respect and joy.

Man, They Can Sing

Well, okay - not really. We went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks today. What a cute movie! And it cracked me up when they sung their 'Christmas is Here' song, one that I have on an album (for young whippersnappers, that's a vinyl, black record requiring a record player to be heard and about 5 times the size of a CD - lol). At the end of the movie, while credits roll, it shows their album covers and sure enough, there was the one I own. Being it came out in 1959, wwwaaayyyy before I was born (ahem), I'm sure it belonged to my older siblings first. I have it now despite not owning a record player to play it on. But it's a classic, right?

Anyway, we took one of Rachel's best friends with us and they had a good time. They are playing on Webkinz now, giggling and talking.

News about Jay's job just keeps getting better - NOT. Now there is no personal use of the trucks, which in our one car family means Jay gets to take the bus again to and from, adding a lovely 1 & 1/2 to 2 hour commute to his days home. Because we already see him soooo much.

On the brigher side of things, I like this quote today by John Miller:
Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life.

This same idea is said in a million ways, including the one I say to my daughter when she heads out the door for something she doesn't really want to do, wakes up in a bad mood or just needs a gentle reminder of how much our own behavior directs our world:
You make your day what it is.

I think it can be a hard thing to do - stay positive all the time, smile and laugh a lot to keep life light and happy, pursue even the things that frighten us with courage and determination. But we all have those moments that define how we live and how we see our lives. I hope I can always bring my focus back to the bright side, no matter where I've let it go.

We're Goin' to the Zoo, Zoo, Zoo

It's a song with a bunch of verses about zoo animals. Really. We always sing it on our way to the zoo. It was written by Tom Paxton in the late '60's and also recorded by Peter, Paul and Mary.

Rachel LOVES the zoo. So do I. But I really enjoy watching my animal-loving daughter read about and observe these creatures that she finds so fascinating. And we had a great day there. Lots of fun animal activity. She loved going into the lorikeet exhibit and feeding the birds some nectar. She went in alone while I watched her because I'm not that fond of birds that are loose (I blame Alfred Hitchcock's movie, The Birds). I went into the bird house with her, but I'm not comfortable in there. Usually Jay takes her in and I wait outside for them. But, since he wasn't home today, I bucked up. Since the lorikeet exhibit is open, I just closely watched her from outside while she went in there alone. There was a lot of activity today. Two baby giraffes were chasing each other, kicking their hind legs at each other. The tiger was roaring. The two male gorillas (my favorites, along with the polar bears) were fun. One was sitting at the glass beside Rachel and kept looking at her while he ate. The other threw a tantrum after a lot of people had gathered to watch them. He ran around and threw things at the glass. The Golden Lion Tamarins had two mothers with little babies on their backs. The river otters were active and swimming around. The wolves were out, as were the artic foxes and the warthogs. They are all more rare to see. The two male lions were laying right up at the glass so we could see them close up. Just a lot of activity since it was a cool day and a little overcast. We were exhausted but had a lot of fun.

Rachel's been to two birthday parties since we've been on Spring Break. One was Saturday and was a Harry Potter theme, marvelously done by my very creative friend for her daughter's twelfth birthday. The other was Tuesday at a place called Monkey Bizness and, of course, after going to that with equipment caked with other kids' viruses, Rachel came home with a sore throat. Thankfully, it seemed to pass overnight. She always comes home not feeling well from places like that. But she had a good time climbing, running, sliding and running some more.

Monday was the 'cats to the vet' day for shots. Rachel was a really amazing help and handled her own cat very well. We'll take the dog in when Jay is home - first because she's a little more difficult for me to handle since I can't pick her up and also because we have some issues to discuss with the vet. She's only 7 years old, but she's getting very crippled up in her back legs - to the point she doesn't want to be touched anywhere but her head and face when we pet her. I worry it's cancer or something serious. So it will need to be a family visit to the vet, I think. Just in case.

Thursday we are cleaning this pit of a house, getting Rachel's teeth cleaned in the afternoon and then I had better get to baking the bread I've planned to for 2 weeks now. I've got the buttermilk for some Irish soda bread and it won't stay good much longer. Plus, I've got some turned banana's for banana nut, banana chocolate chip, creamy banana (made with cream cheese) and banana cinnamon bread. I make all the bread over a day or two and then freeze most of it. Friday I get my teeth cleaned in the morning and then we'll go see a dollar movie or two with her best friend. Jay should be home Friday night or Saturday morning and we'll go from there.

I have to say, I'm dreading going back to school Monday. I've really enjoyed this week so far to do special things and work on my book.

So, my thought for today is on a scripture I have stuck on my computer cabinet door (yeah, I have a LOT of stuff on it):

I will not forget thee. I have graven thee upon the palms of My hands. - Isaiah 46:15-16

Sometimes life seems overwhelming - even so overwhelming that we feel forsaken, forgotten by God. But just as we cannot turn our backs on our own children God, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, cannot turn His back on us. This is on my cabinet door so I am reminded of it every time I sit down here to remind me of just that.

Writing

I missed blogging. I missed writing what I was thinking, feeling, experiencing. Writing is a big stress reliever for me. It's a creative outlet. It's medicine for my soul. Every blog or journal I've started in the last few years always has the same quote (I collect them) because it speaks to me about what keeping a journal is all about:

When I write down my thoughts, they do not escape me. This action makes me remember my strength. - Isidore Ducasse

Isidore was a French poet in the mid 1800's. I cannot say I am a fan of his work, but I love this quote.

Years ago, I was given The Optimist Creed. It's been so many years that I don't recall who the person was that gave it to me. Lately, it's been on my mind a lot (and hangs on the door of my desk/cabinet. I don't know who wrote it but this is what it says:

Promise Yourself:

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as your are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too nobel for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

I know I don't live all of these all of the time and some of them I have never managed to live, but I love the idea of it and keep it on my desk as a reminder whenever I need it - which is regularly.