Mother's Day

I guess it's the firsts that will hurt so much. First day after her death when I awoke and my first thought was that she was gone. The first phone call after I got home to speak to my dad and not her. The first sympathy card. The first comment from a friend. Now Mother's Day is upon us and it will be another first. Already I feel the ache in my heart. Already I feel the loss. And feeling this, I can't imagine how much more difficult it is for my sister, Kandi, who has cared for my parents all these years.

Since I had my daughter, Mother's Day has always been my favorite holiday. Not because mother's are the center of it but because I was given the gift of becoming a mother and my joy in that has been my greatest joy in life. This year, it's hard to feel that same way because my mother is gone from this earth. I know her spirit is with me when I need her. I know her love is there. But I won't hear her voice or see her face or talk to her and make her laugh again until I have moved from this life myself.

My husband asked me what I wanted to do for Mother's Day. I gave a half-hearted answer because nothing feels right. I might just go to church and then go to bed for the rest of the day. At least, that's what I'll feel like doing. But instead I'll smile and love on my sweet little daughter who gave me that joy beyond measure. That's what my mom would do, too.

I'm not sure what to do with the Mother's Day card I'd already bought for you when I couldn't decide between the two I narrowed it down to.

I miss you, Mama. I miss hearing your voice on the phone. I miss sharing things with you, hearing you laugh, listening to the love in your tone when you say you love me and miss me. I love and miss you, too.