Feeling Fine

I have to admit, I'm doing really well.  Yes, there is still some sadness, but I feel good about how peaceful our home is now and how easy-going everything seems to be.  I'm a little stressed about finances, but once Jay is paying child support/contributing to this household, I know I'll be fine. 

I am holding off filing for the divorce until we've had insurance for a while.  I haven't had some necessary care done in about 4 years and I need to get that taken care of.  So, I'll have to wait 3 months until the good insurance (not just gap insurance) kicks in so I can do so.  After a few months of that, I'll file the papers.  He'll continue to cover Rachel with insurance, though.

I do find times I wish I had someone to come home to and talk about things that happened in my day or problems we had at home (like when Babey escaped yesterday and we looked all over for her, thinking she was gone or dead).  I called him.  I needed to have someone else worrying, I guess.  Then I wanted to shoot myself for calling him.  But I know as time goes on, that will lessen.  It's a big change after 17 years.  It's been a big good-bye that's moving pretty slowly along, but it will come. 

Right now, she doesn't want to see him.  She doesn't want to talk to him on the phone.  I think part of that is anger and hurt, but a bigger part is that if he's nice and loving toward her, it might make it hurt more.  Oh how I wish I could protect her from this pain.  I'd gladly take it all to spare her any.  That child is the greatest joy of my life and I will always do everything I am able to do to help her be happy and healthy and content in life.  It's the least I can do for the joy I've had being a mother to her.  She is one fantastic kid.