10 Things You Might Not Know About Me

Okay, yesterday's blog was a cop-out. I'm sick with a cold that has settled in its favorite place - my lungs. With asthma, that's a weak spot and man do I hate it when I can't breathe well. Anyway, I thought today I'd try a "real" blog post that might actually interest a reader. Well, in my conceited way of thinking, anyway. So here are ten odd or unusual things about me that (almost) no one knows. I'm sure my husband's privy to them after knowing me for more than 16 years, though. 

 1. I sort M & M's out by color and eat my least favorite colors first, always ending with the brown because they symbolize chocolate (not because brown is my favorite color, though). 

 2. I obsessively brush my teeth with at least two, if not three, different kinds of toothpaste twice a day. And still I don't have the teeth I wish I had. 

 3. I love pens - colored pens, black ink (being my preferred for professional use), gel, calligraphy pens, unique pens, pens with a good grip on them. When I find a black ink pen I like, I usually stick with it until I accidentally find something better. 

 4. I once imagined having a huge family. I mean huge. I had names chosen for 12 children. I'm not kidding. I'm sure I would have slit my throat had that been so but I completely, utterly love and adore the one I got. Okay, that last part pretty much everyone knows. 

 5. Even after all these years, and despite the teachings of my faith, I have once or twice, when things were really, really difficult in our lives, wanted a cigarette. I know, disgusting, huh? Of course, I'd never go through with it. I can't stand the stench of the things. 

 6. I have been known to not shave my legs for a month or so. It's blond and baby soft and invisible unless I'm in shorts - fat chance of that!!! HA - and the sun hits it just right. Even my husband rarely notices. And no, it's not that he just doesn't say anything because he'd tease me about it if he noticed. 

 7. All my life, I have spent a good portion of my time alone in the house singing. I mean belting out songs I enjoy. Not quite as much anymore because I am alone so rarely and my voice is not what it used to be, but once in a while I still do. 

 8. I worry all the time about being a better person, never living up to what I wish I could be like. For instance, our neighbor down the street who loves Rachel like her own granddaughter just went through cancer treatment. I took one meal to them and one loaf of bread but her treatment went on for a long time and I didn't keep it up. I know I should have, but I didn't. I wish I'd had more time to apply to it and I wish I'd been less selfish with the time I do have for things like that. Thankfully, she's recovering well now. 

 9. Our house is small, so it doesn't take much to make it look disgusting. I have chosen to write on my book or just "take a day off" rather than clean when I know how badly it needs it. I suspect everyone does this now and then, but as my husband says, I'm so good at feeling guilty that I let that eat at me about it. 

10. I am way over the top conceited about my ability to do any job I have. I totally am. I don't have very good self-esteem but when it comes to being a mom and my job - whatever that job may be at the time - I think I am ALL THAT. I really do. Just ask my current boss. When she interviewed me, they had one more person to interview and I ended it with, "Well, I can promise you she won't be as good at this job as I will be." And I meant it. And it's true. She feels that way, too, which just serves to swell my head all the more. It's nice to feel that much confidence about something. 

11. Okay, #9 was lame, so here's a bonus one: Being fat almost my entire life, I am always self-conscious about that fact. It makes me shy unless I really prep myself to face people and circumstances (even people I know). It truly does defeat me in many ways. I know I could be more than I am if I changed this fact about myself, yet it seems an impossible task. I even had a doctor tell me I couldn't unless I had weight loss surgery. This recent statement has been rather defeating to me when I'd gotten myself started through (another) weight loss journey. Of course, many things have easily helped me fall off that path. It's really just me. The stuff in my head and the stuff in my heart. I always just wish people would see "me" and not "it". And I wish I had whatever it is that makes those who lose weight and keep it off successfully somewhere inside me where I could actually find it. Phew. Okay, I wrapped it with a tough one for me to write but when you write - when you open yourself up to expression - you never know what might come out. So there it is.

Soul

I love Otis Redding. Here's one of my favs...



Not that I don't enjoy newer artists. So here are Adele - Chasing Pavement and Duffy - Mercy, respectively:

My Baby Did a YouTube

She's been talking about doing something to help people for a long time. I've promised that soon - meaning when things ease up a little bit for us and at least by the summer - we'd do just that. She wants to work at a soup kitchen a couple of times and then think up some other good deeds she can do. Anyway, check it out and if you can, follow the link to YouTube and post a comment for her.

Daughter's YouTube Video

A Poem Written The Same Day

The same day I wrote the previous post, I wrote a poem speaking much the same sentiments. Usually, I think my poetry sucks, but this one said what I needed to say, so I'm posting it:

Whispers in the wind that tell me it’s alright
A still small voice that beckons me toward the light
A pull this way and then back the other
My mind must focus on being a mother
No matter my trials or pain or tears
Diligence in duty to quiet her fears
Nothing so bad we cannot overcome it
Nothing so hard we cannot go through it
A reassuring smile and hug every night
Will give her that reassurance it will be alright

Sometimes It's So Dang Hard

Sometimes I find it hard to get out of bed. Sometimes it's hard to take that last load of laundry out of the dryer and fold it. Sometimes it's hard to listen to my husband talk politics, especially when I disagree. Sometimes it's hard to worry about my baby girl and how she's doing at school. Sometimes it's hard to see her sick and worry because there is no insurance if this turns out to be more than a cold. Sometimes it's hard to wonder if we'll ride out this un/underemployment situation and still keep our house because that's hanging in the wind right now. Sometimes it's hard to keep smiling when I really just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Sometimes it's hard to watch a co-worker not want to work very hard at something we've invested so much time in just because someone might think she's mean. Sometimes the whole day just seems hard.

And then I look at my beautiful daughter and I talk to a friend here and there and I pray, earnestly pray, for just enough strength to manage. And somehow, I do.