I dreamt about him last night. Not something sweet or that I'd want to revisit. No, instead he had somehow gotten into the house and decorated with all this stuff that was nothing I would ever choose. My sense was he knew that and was testing me to see if my heart was still in the same place - the place that ended our marriage. It was. I told him to take it all down. I said it nicely, a bit of trepidation in my actions; will he get angry and throw things? Will he scream? But he only mentioned how one item that he 'really' thought I'd like was broken. I said to put it back in the box and take it back, then asked if he still had the box. "It didn't come in a box," he responded, but I felt hidden meaning in that exchange.
There was also a woman he'd brought with him who was helping him. At first, I thought I knew her - but no, she was a stranger. And I didn't like a stranger in my home, putting things up as if she lived here. I was irritated, insulted and remembered the numerous reasons I ended this marriage. I did so I would never have to be afraid or concerned about someones reaction to something again - you should never 'fear' someone else's behavior because if you do, something is wrong about it. Also, so that I never again had to accept something I was completely against just to keep the peace. That's not to say I wouldn't compromise. I have always compromised, knowing this is the best way to allow everyone happiness - if they want to be happy. And because of an issue of trust. If you cannot trust your spouse, everything else will fall apart. And I have not trusted him - in many areas - in a very long time. Mostly because he failed me in that aspect of our marriage. Yes, I know he loved me (still does, as I do him). Yes, I know he tried sometimes. Yes, I know he wished he could change some of the things he'd allowed himself to do. But too much was missing or wrong and it lead to the end because they were the most important pieces. Faithfulness, kindness, humility, the desire to make your spouse happy - he had allowed these things to drift away, never to return. And if they don't go both ways, the relationship dies.
In a way, I believe he is relieved to be rid of the responsibility that came with being a part of a family. Although I know there is plenty his misses about having one, he also was done with taking responsibility for us. I'm not talking just financially, either. I mean responsibility of the heart.
But in the same breath, I am relieved to be rid of the constant struggle to keep the peace in an impossible situation. There was no way, regardless of what I did, that I could keep the peace, make him happy or relieve whatever self-doubt and self-loathing he carried. He feared a certain future and he then spent the last five years creating it.
Now there is peace in this household. Now my daughter and I are unafraid, comfortable, relaxed in a way that shows on our faces and in our hearts.
I miss him from time to time, when certain things happen in the family. I miss sharing some things and I miss having another to worry with me about things. Right now, he is far removed from us, though. He's always been very selfish, but now he doesn't have to look us in the eye. In a phone call today, I was told I shouldn't expect more than $100.00 a week for the next 4 weeks. That's going to make things very difficult financially for us. And I'm a little angry about it. There are still bills here, expenses for our child, that he is responsible for and now, he's cut back even further what he will contribute. But until I do something through the courts - file for child support - there is nothing I can do about it. I suspect, based on what his income will be, I will get at least a couple hundred more a month through legal child support. So if the tide doesn't change in 4 weeks, that will be my next step. The saddest part, his daughter knows he cares more for himself than her and so she doesn't even care if she speaks to him or sees him. I hope, for both their sakes, he changes his behavior and does right by us. Only time will tell.
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