Friday, December 26, 2008

Ahhhh, The Day After

Christmas is wonderful and busy and fun and exciting and happy and spiritual at our house with a touch of the Grinch from Jay who gets the blues pretty badly most years about this time. He worked hard to move past it this year and with all the unexpected blessings, he did pretty well. I'm sure some of that was his sheer determination not to complicate our stressed lives at the moment and help us enjoy the holiday.

Christmas morning was filled with Rachel thrilled with all the gifts she got and Jay and I right there with her. We were greatly blessed by our anonymous church friends. We've been blessed by others, too. One friend purchased a battery for our car and despite my assuring her we would pay her back as soon as Jay had a job, she refused and threatened me in the nicest way. Another sent a gift card in their family Christmas card to us. Generosity has crept out of every direction this year.

Christmas Day was spent with my brother, his wife and daughter and his wife's family, which consists of mom, stepdad, aunt and a great aunt. This is our 2nd Christmas with them and they are all wonderful, sweet people. I made simple but personal gifts for each of them (thanks Kristy for the idea for the women's gifts on Light Refreshments Served) and they were so appreciated that it choked me up a bit. I think I was a little concerned how they would be received, being so simple. But I hadn't needed to worry. We had a really nice visit. And like the big cry baby I have become, I got all teary eyed saying good-by.

Today was relaxing and I was tired. I usually get busy the day after and get all the Christmas decorations down and put away. I just don't have a lot of energy back from being sick. Then I went for my follow-up appointment with the doctor and that explained it. I STILL have infection in both my ears, larygitis which she says is from the infection and some sort of fungus in my right ear - ewwwww. I'm going on my third round of antibiotics, plus something for the fungus. That explains why I still feel so run down. I can't believe I am still sick, though. This hasn't ever happened to me before. Usually one round of antibiotics and I'm good to go.

So, the Christmas decorations will be up a few days longer than usual (though not until April like at my mother's/sister's house last year - ahem) and I'll be thankful to finally get rid of all this stuff in my body.

Oh, and my daughter hasn't taken off the cloak she got for Christmas since she opened it except to sleep. Thanks Penny, for sewing it for me. You are a gem. My girl was THRILLED.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Our Family Tradition - In Its Fifteenth Year

My first date with Jay was a blind date. A friend of mine set us up, alleging we would be going out with a group of people one night in December of 1993. She did tell us she was planning to introduce us, though. When we both arrived, separately, we found we were the only two there. She went with us to see an IMAX film and then claimed she was tired and needed to go home. This from a major party girl. But we took the hint and took her home and then headed back to go to Zoo Lights at the Denver Zoo. It was there we held hands for the first time, though later that night at the planetarium Jay pushed my arm off the shared armrest a couple of times until I decided he was probably a jerk. Hmm, I married him anyway.

Since that time, we have gone to the Zoo Lights every year. Even when Rachel was a newborn, we bundled her up and went after Christmas. Of course, it wasn't all that cold that year, maybe around 40 degrees F the night we went. We've been married for over 14 years now, so counting each year, we've been there 15 times. We've always loved going, probably more for the tradition and meaning behind it than that there is anything new - though there actually were a few new displays this year. We've always kept a membership to the zoo which nets you discounts for special things like Zoo Lights. Rachel loves the animals, as do Jay and I. We visit there several times a year, especially during the summer months. With Jay out of work, I thought we'd have to skip this year, but I was asked to babysit for someone who only allows adults to watch her kids and earned the money to pay for our visit plus some. So we left the house to arrive when it first opened for the evening. We sang Christmas songs on our way there, talked and laughed and enjoyed our drive. I made some hot cocoa mix and we took it in a thermos and drank some about halfway through when the chill was getting into our bones. We rushed through the open pachyderm house, covering our noses from the smell and taking deep, cold air breaths when we got out the other side. The drive home was filled with more laughing, talking and a little singing. But the real surprise was pulling up in front of our house. When we pulled up, I said, "Oh my gosh, Jay. Look at the porch." There were bags all over it. Bags of gifts and gift cards and loving cards from people at our church who have shared our burden, held us up in their prayers and kindness, overwhelmed our hearts with their generosity.

I cannot say how overwhelming this has all been. I have never known such generosity. I've never felt unable to thank enough or be grateful enough than I have in these last few months. I found myself in tears before I even reached the porch, before I read a single card, before I understood the enormity of what lay on our front porch. We felt blessed before all this to have survived some difficulties over our fourteen years of marriage with mental illness, some health challenges, infertility issues, the loss of 5 babies to miscarriage and the loss of 3 jobs in the last 4 years that have financially devastated us. But we survived it all and have grown in unexplainable ways as a couple, as a family and as individuals. What we have experienced in the last couple of months has helped us grow and move forward even more. And, at least for myself and what I can see in my husband and daughter, we have moved very far forward in our faith. The Lord knows us. He cares for us and wants what is best for us. He hears our prayers. He moves our friends and ward family in the ways that we need. He will never forsake us. He will never forget us. He will never turn His back on us. We are loved and our burdens are shared by our friends. We have found the restored church of Jesus Christ on the earth today and have turned our hearts over to it. In return, we have had blessings beyond any expectation or wish. We are, in simple words, very, very blessed.

Read the previous post to see the other blessings we have experienced lately.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Gaining in Understanding

You think as you get older....okay, maybe we'll call it middle aged....that you have a lot of learned-from-experience knowledge. Tears seem to come more easily than they used to. Your heart goes out more to others and less for yourself. You find your spiritual center, so to speak. You begin to find a place within yourself where you can settle in and accept whatever bugged you about yourself when you were younger - in my case, it was my nose (and, of course, being fat, which still bugs me a lot). You really start to feel like you're figuring things out. Of course, we're never done learning and so things happen that help you grow and gain in knowledge and, if you're lucky, help make you a better person than you used to be.

I worked as an insurance adjuster for eight years before I was married. I handled just about every kind of insurance you can imagine - Workman's Comp, General Liability (like slip and falls in stores), Law Enforcement Liability, Home/Property and Auto, a little Malpractice, Inland Marine - that's all that comes to my immediate mind. We directed our company attorneys and monitored their timeliness on law suits. I enjoyed the work for the most part, liked the busy flow of the day, enjoyed learning the laws in the states we handled, enjoyed interacting with people and helping them when they'd been hurt - physically or financially - by some sort of accident. I loved and respected many of the people I worked with, too. The job had its rewards. It also had its drawbacks. Although lots of people talk about how insurance companies try to rip off people who *deserve* money, I know that adjusters like that are in the minority. Oh, they do exist. I even worked with one woman like that when I first got into the industry and promised myself I would NEVER be that unfair to anyone in my career. I always offered the best settlements I could - in other words, the most money and/or assistance I could offer. I didn't play around and when someone didn't think I'd offered enough, I'd try my best to get a little more for them (this required supervisor or higher approval and sometimes approval from the insured if it was a big business who paid many of their up front settlements from their own money rather than the insurance). Sometimes that happened and sometimes I'd already offered every penny available. Some people knew they were being treated fairly, accepted the offers and got on with their lives. Others, and unfortunately there were many more like this, just kept fighting and threatening and very often were perpetrating a fraud. It happens MUCH MORE OFTEN than you would think. So you're probably wondering what this has to do with my post title. I'll tell you.

After so many years seeing many people at their worst - knowing they were lying, having to send private investigators to video proof of that, getting medical reports that directly indicated they were lying, etc - I began to have a sad and negative opinion of people overall. When I met my husband, this bugged him. A LOT. It bugged me somewhat, too, but I couldn't get past it. Even after I got out of the business and stayed home while we tried to get pregnant for Rachel, I had a hard time not being suspicious of people, to not have a more negative opinion of them than was my right, to be blunt. Of course, I knew my friends and people I knew from church were not like that and I didn't feel that way about them, but in general, I really had a negative idea of what people were like. When I walked into a grocery store and spied something on the floor, I quickly moved it out of the pathway and would say to Jay, "If I don't move that, some loser will come along and fake a fall on it." What I should have said and thought was , "If I don't move that, someone might fall and get hurt." But all my years handling just these kinds of claims and knowing these people often were not injured like they claimed made it very hard to think in those kinder, fairer ways.

Over the years, desiring to be a better person and deciding to think better of my fellow man, I slowly changed my thinking. My newer thinking over the last few years has been that all people, for the most part, are good in heart and just need someone to have faith in them and be their friend. I very much take to heart the creed of George Albert Smith, the 8th Prophet of and President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. One of the lines is: "I would not seek to force people to live up to my ideas, but rather love them into doing the thing that is right." By no means do I think I am perfect or even all that wonderful. I just try my best and I know that's what most people do. Yeah, there are some people who aren't very good people. There are even some people who are truly awful people. But most people are decent and doing the best they can every day.

So lately, we have seen - no, actually been recipients of - kindness and generosity beyond our imaginings. We have been cared for - spiritually, emotionally and even financially - by many people lately while we endure Jay's unemployment. It is something that I would never have expected. It is something that, though I find it difficult to be on the receiving end rather than the giving end, I have been enormously grateful for, surprised by and cried many tears over. Most of the few people who read this blog have been the givers - whether spiritual, emotional or financial. And I want you to know we have been filled up in our hearts with gratitude by your actions. Our blessings are mighty and we can't say enough how appreciated and grateful we are for all those gifts.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your friendships.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Getting Over It

I've been one sick puppy. I started with a cold that I could tell was turning into a sinus infection. We're new on Medicaid since we have no other insurance and it's a wonder that program works at all for health care. I did, after a horrendous search, find a Dr. - well, a nurse practitioner - who would accept me as a new patient. By then, I had a sinus infection on both sides with swelling and pain all the way into my right lower jaw, bronchitis, ear infections in both ears and conjunctivitis (pink eye) in both eyes. Can you say "kill me now". I don't remember ever being that sick. I was in so much pain, I couldn't sleep more than two hours at a stretch at night and was taking 4 ibuprofen every 4 hours trying to cope. I finally found some Vicodin I had left over from a root canal and started taking that. I STILL had pain that woke me every 3-4 hours. But 24 hours after getting on an antibiotic and a cough syrup with codeine in it, I was improving. Still, I've had to take a second round of antibiotics which I just started today because the sinus infection remains. Hopefully, things will just keep improving. I feel really tired, though, which I think is just because of how sick I was and that the infection isn't all gone yet. Once it is, I hope to start doing some walking with Jay to help get us more active (and take Rachel with us when she's around). We could all use it and it's a good place to start.

Off to bed. I'm beat even after a 1 & 1/2 hour nap this afternoon.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

The Birthday Party and Growing Up....Again

Well, Rachel had a great birthday party. Her best friend for most of her life was there (Samantha), a boy she's known since preschool (Tony) and her boyfriend (Will) -her other friend, Kaitlyn, couldn't make it. We went to see Twilight - I found the movie a bit better than the book, but Rachel and one of her friends says no. I kept leaning over to Jay and whispering "Stalker!" when Edward the vampire was being.....well, a stalker! Anyway, we were at a place called Movie Tavern and they had pizza and popcorn to eat. Then we came back to our place for cake and everyone but the boyfriend (really, he's sweet as can be and they are more just like friends) is still here. They are walking around outside, probably talking about fantasy/sci-fi stories which they both enjoy. Rachel had fun and I loved seeing the smile on her face, which was constant, after all the stress we've had on us with the joblessness situation.

Every day, I see her growing up. Last weekend we had our church Christmas party, themed on It's a Wonderful Life. It was fun and wonderful, as always. Our committee that does the parties is always amazing and creative. Anyway, Santa always makes his appearance, too, toward the end of the night and every year, without fail, I take a picture of Rachel on Santa's lap. This year I asked her if she wanted to go see him and she said, "Ah, I don't think I will this year, Mama." I said that was okay and we headed on home (I was starting to get really sick that night anyway). But I also felt a little bit like crying. My baby is growing up so much and especially since she's moved from Primary at church to Young Women's. It's really propelled her to a more mature place. I love that and it also saddens me because she's my only baby and she's not so much that anymore. But she had a wonderful time at that party and today and making her happy still fills my heart more than I can say.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

In Support of a New Christmas Song

I read a few blogs. I started out reading just a couple, then those led to others and so on. One I've added to my list recently is called The Jolly Porter and is written by the husband of one of the writers at Light Refreshments Served. His last post, which you can read here: http://www.thejollyporter.blogspot.com/
is about Christmas songs. Or not. Anyway, here's the one he's written and hopes to see become a new Christmas song in 2009. I'm just helping to support his cause. For a REALLY good laugh, follow the link and read his post. The song:

Jennifer, the winter pony!
Look at how she prances around!
Jennifer, the winter pony
Swingin' her mane through town.

One thing about her (it may be a shock!)
Is that Jennifer the pony could actually talk!
She met an orphan boy named Jack
They talked for hours and he rode on her back.

But then one day Jack got so hungry.
Winter was on, and he hadn't any money.
He combed her tail, he was gentle and lovin'
But when she wasn't looking, he pushed her in an oven.

Jennifer, the winter pony!
Sadly was no more.
Jennifer, the winter pony!
She'll be back to settle the score!

Trotty-trot, trot, trot
Trotty-trot, trot, trot
Look at Jennifer go!
Trotty-trot, trot, trot
Trotty-trot, trot, trot
Now she's actually a zombie.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Moving Up

Sunday we watched during Sacrament as Rachel was called up by the Bishop who gave her a certificate indicating her move into Young Women's from Primary. He had interviewed her the previous Sunday. She then recited the LONGEST Article of Faith, having memorized all 13. She looked beautiful and sweet up there. And I cried like a big, dramatic lump of motherhood. Yet again, a moment indicating my baby is no longer just a baby but a growing up young woman. A bit of my heart wrenches at the thought but I'm also proud of her, so proud of her and all her accomplishments. She makes being a mother a joy in so many ways.....and then heart-wrenching when she gets mad and says something mean (we're trying to break the "I hate you" comment as always inappropriate). But most moments are wonderful. I have to cut her a little slack, raging hormones and all, right?

We've also been blessed with so many things lately while wallowing in this pit of stress with no jobs in the household. First, a friend from church who is totally redoing her house gave us a lovely bedroom set - large dresser and mirror, armoire and night stand that is very solid and in very good shape. Our own bedroom furniture was literally falling apart. That was followed by another, closer friend, leaving a card behind with a gift certificate that will enable us to give Rachel a birthday party where she wanted it. That was something I don't even have words for. Then we came home the Friday before Thanksgiving to a member of the Bishopric leaving a huge turkey and a bunch of canned goods and some dressing mix at our door. To top it all off, despite the terrible stock market fluctuations, Jay's 401K cash out covered all our bills for this month. It's just been amazing and remarkable and we know that it is beyond our wildest imaginings that things have fallen into place this way. Now we just hold out for and continue to pray for a job for Jay (and it wouldn't hurt if a part time one came my way).

Rachel's sick with a cold that had her miserable enough that she stayed home today and was in bed tonight by 6:30 p.m. Hopefully she's well enough to go to school tomorrow. Missing much school in middle school is scary with all the back homework she'll have to do.

We're all decorated for Christmas - lights up outside, inside all done except finishing our tree which only has the lights on it so far. We just sort of fizzled out of energy and haven't gotten back to it. Hopefully, we'll finish it up tomorrow night.

Oh, and my dad is doing a LOT better. He's been in the hospital for another blood infection and the first time I spoke to him, he was frighteningly weak. Two days later, you could hear in his voice that he was doing better. After a week, they moved him to the rehab hospital and they are talking about possibly having him out of there in another week. It's just remarkable how quickly he's improved. And a relief on top of all our other stresses. God is good.