I blog for therapy. I used to read other people's blogs for the same reason. One of the blogs a friend writes leaves me laughing almost every time I pop over there. I monitor my daughter's feelings by reading hers and out of all the blogs I used to love to read, those are the only two I manage to get to these days and even that is so infrequent, I miss out on a lot.
There are two sides to this. One is that I don't have the time because I work full-time plus some at a job I really enjoy and this makes me a contributing member of the household. I like that very much. The other side is that I have little time for the things I love to do - blogging, reading and the one I miss the most, writing on my novel.
I know that somehow, I have to balance my life so I can fit in daily exercise and daily writing so that I feel good and completely fulfilled. But I've spent my life making excuses for what I 'can't' do. I can't work out every day because blah, blah, blah. I can't write on my novel, finish it and put it out there for publishing because blah, blah, blah.
I think part of that is not seeing me for who I am or what I am capable of in life. Another friend of mine tells me all the time how strong she thinks I am; how able I am to cope with so much more than the average person and still handle life with grace. In fact, she just told me this again a few days ago. But I blush and then say to myself, "there are far more difficult lives than mine and those people persevere despite their problems, too. I am nothing special." And I'm not. But I guess it's kind of nice that someone thinks I am.
I wasn't one of the top kids in my family growing up. By that I mean I wasn't thought very highly of or given much support toward becoming anything. That's just life, just the way it is, but I think it instilled a powerful lack of belief in myself that I could do much of anything. So I just pushed to do certain things really well. One was in the kind of employee I am. I work my tail off for whomever I'm employed by. It's why I moved up so quickly in every job I ever had that allowed such progress. When I was single and could focus everything on my work, I made a lot of money...and spent it, too! I think this background also made me the kind of mom I am. I KNOW I am a great mom. Even my teenager tells me this all the time. How awesome is that?!?!? And she doesn't think that because I let her get away with whatever. Everyone who knows her thinks she's a great kid. That's because she is.
So I've got two things I think I'm good at in life. But I suspect I have a lot more than that and I just don't push myself to be more, do better, improve in those areas. Maybe it's time to look myself in the eye, get serious and make some efforts in other areas that I've let slide. Maybe it's time to do what matters to me, too, not just what I have to do or am obligated to do. Maybe it's time to say no at the right time and yes at the best time.
I think I might try this on for size and see how it goes.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Finally, Sunshine
It has been a long, difficult road - especially for my daughter - but the sun has begun to shine again. Through absolutely no fault of her own, she has struggled for a long time with darkness, sorrow and frightening thoughts. In her desire to be the good and precious child she truly is, she covered it with smiles and laughter. But that only worked for so long. Everything began to fall apart this year. We endured a lot and it took it's toll.
We lost the only home she'd ever known to foreclosure - something I never thought we'd experience. My mother, her grandmother, passed away and three weeks later, our dog of nine years did, too. Jay's behavior had been appalling for far too long and so we separated after letting things go on much longer than it should have - but I couldn't walk away from the mentally ill man I love until then. He abandoned us in his anger and would not speak to his own daughter while only yelling at me. And her sickness began to show itself because it was bad enough she could no longer hide it.
She's been afraid of this illness because of what she's seen from her father. She can scarcely remember the time when things were good; when we laughed a lot and enjoyed each other as a family unit. He'd been seriously ill with his disease since she was 9 years old. And that's what she was afraid of becoming. So in trying to deny it, she hid it until she couldn't.
But things have brightened. Jay had a medication change that had been desperately needed for 5 years. He knew he could not live on $9.00 an hour on his own, so he made it happen that he could begin driving again. He spent time alone on the road and realized some things about himself that three stints in marriage counseling and two trips through the church marriage classes had not helped him see. He began to regret and felt ashamed of what he had become. And he began to talk to me without anger, without yelling, without blame toward me. He just admitted what he'd been responsible for in this mess we'd called a marriage the last 5 years. And we have reunited - though he is driving over the road, so we only see him for a few days once every month or 6 weeks. But for now, that's fine.
And I pulled myself out of my shell of denial that this was all happening again, but this time to my sweet daughter, and sought the help she needed. She's been seeing a therapist, but it was clearly not enough. I made an appointment through Children's Hospital and she saw a psychiatrist. What a huge relief to finally have a diagnosis - anxiety with depression. And a huge relief to find the answer to what she needed - medication and less pressure at school. I pulled her out of Honors math. She's still in an advanced math class, but at a much calmer pace. She'll remain out of honors math through the rest of high school. We've already mapped that path out with her school counselor. All her other classes remain Honors, but they are easy for her and she enjoys them. And we started medication which seems to be working very, very well. For the first time in a long time, I have my ray of sunshine back! My little girl is smiling - genuinely smiling - and laughing and happy and so much more relaxed. She's not all the way there yet as we're still adjusting the medication level, but she is very well on her way. And I cannot thank my Heavenly Father enough for protecting her until I could get the help she needed. I thought I was going to lose her and that, I could not endure.
So, we are moving forward instead of backward again. We are working on all the right things at all the right times in all the right places and I look forward as the light grows around us again and the darkness fades.
We survived. We persevered. We endured.
We lost the only home she'd ever known to foreclosure - something I never thought we'd experience. My mother, her grandmother, passed away and three weeks later, our dog of nine years did, too. Jay's behavior had been appalling for far too long and so we separated after letting things go on much longer than it should have - but I couldn't walk away from the mentally ill man I love until then. He abandoned us in his anger and would not speak to his own daughter while only yelling at me. And her sickness began to show itself because it was bad enough she could no longer hide it.
She's been afraid of this illness because of what she's seen from her father. She can scarcely remember the time when things were good; when we laughed a lot and enjoyed each other as a family unit. He'd been seriously ill with his disease since she was 9 years old. And that's what she was afraid of becoming. So in trying to deny it, she hid it until she couldn't.
But things have brightened. Jay had a medication change that had been desperately needed for 5 years. He knew he could not live on $9.00 an hour on his own, so he made it happen that he could begin driving again. He spent time alone on the road and realized some things about himself that three stints in marriage counseling and two trips through the church marriage classes had not helped him see. He began to regret and felt ashamed of what he had become. And he began to talk to me without anger, without yelling, without blame toward me. He just admitted what he'd been responsible for in this mess we'd called a marriage the last 5 years. And we have reunited - though he is driving over the road, so we only see him for a few days once every month or 6 weeks. But for now, that's fine.
And I pulled myself out of my shell of denial that this was all happening again, but this time to my sweet daughter, and sought the help she needed. She's been seeing a therapist, but it was clearly not enough. I made an appointment through Children's Hospital and she saw a psychiatrist. What a huge relief to finally have a diagnosis - anxiety with depression. And a huge relief to find the answer to what she needed - medication and less pressure at school. I pulled her out of Honors math. She's still in an advanced math class, but at a much calmer pace. She'll remain out of honors math through the rest of high school. We've already mapped that path out with her school counselor. All her other classes remain Honors, but they are easy for her and she enjoys them. And we started medication which seems to be working very, very well. For the first time in a long time, I have my ray of sunshine back! My little girl is smiling - genuinely smiling - and laughing and happy and so much more relaxed. She's not all the way there yet as we're still adjusting the medication level, but she is very well on her way. And I cannot thank my Heavenly Father enough for protecting her until I could get the help she needed. I thought I was going to lose her and that, I could not endure.
So, we are moving forward instead of backward again. We are working on all the right things at all the right times in all the right places and I look forward as the light grows around us again and the darkness fades.
We survived. We persevered. We endured.
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