Seeking Change

I have asked someone close to me to change; to better themselves in a way that requires a great deal of soul-searching and humbling. I have asked them to do this as a condition to continue as a part of my life. But in the same breath, I have asked this of myself and thought long and hard about what might be my least....shall we say, attractive?....trait.

Though, as I have been known to repeat, I am not perfect, I do work toward that place despite the realization I will never reach it here on this earth. And because I carry a fragile urn of self-esteem, I try to focus less on the not so attractive and more on what I do have to offer in a positive light. You might say, "Bah! How can you improve yourself if you don't look at the negative parts?" And you have a point. I DO look at those - in my dark hours, when I am weary from day to day life and wanting to make it better for myself. After all, I know full well the secret that the only one I can ever correct and change is myself.

The first indication of what that important change must be was at a recent interview. The dreaded question, "What is one of your weaknesses?" was asked. Of course, that is not where your mind is when you're trying to convince someone you're the right choice for the job. But I had to think quickly and what came to mind was something along the lines of, "When I feel right, feel passionate about something, I think I can be a bit forceful in my opinion. Not that I don't listen to other's advise and their side of things, but I think I can come on a bit strong with my own opinion." After it came out of my mouth, I thought, "That is NOT what I want anyone to know about me. It's honest, but...Man!"

The second indication came today. There was a visitor in my home whom I have not exactly heard many positive comments about. I unfairly allowed that to rest in my mind. This person said something about how unfair and difficult it is to legally enter this country and I heard myself "forcefully" state that there are lots of people who come here legally all the time, learn our language and become successful citizens. Again, as soon as I said it - in the fashion I did - I felt remorse. This is not how I want to be perceived. This is not who I want to be and there was a time when I was not this way. I remember taking a backseat to siblings while they all went on and on about this and that and I just steered away from it. If I made comment, I simply stated my opinion and let it lie there, not caring if they disagreed. As a new mother, tender in my heart for the new life I'd helped create, I recall not minding if anyone listened to my opinion. I just did what I knew was right. But at some point over the years, I felt the need to fight for what knowledge I do possess and make sure it was heard by whomever I was speaking to at the moment.

I could analyze this and say it's because of this or that, but that won't bring me where I want to be. Instead, and I do know this will be extremely difficult to overcome, I will pray for help in changing that. I don't care that someone thinks they know more than I do. I really, really don't. Yes, it bothers me if they think I'm not very knowledgeable, but I can live with that. It's their problem, not mine. What I need to do is learn to put into practice the saying, "You get more with honey than vinegar". So this will be my trial toward change. This will be what I work to improve. And as I move toward independence and financial stability on my own two feet, I will move toward higher self-esteem and the time will come when I will view the person refusing to see my knowledge as the one suffering, the one lacking self-esteem and know that I have handled it with grace.