Sunday, something happened that surprised me. Words were spoken that reflected a humbling I have never witnessed in him before. There was a certain sincerity I had come to believe no longer existed toward me. And the icy coating around my heart cracked here and there. I thought, "Might this be so? Am I seeing something I never anticipated?" It appeared I was seeing just that. I began to pray for help because I had been certain we would not be moving in the direction this experience was now turning me toward. I was....surprised.
I am by no means perfect. Very far from it, in fact. But I try to do my best and am ashamed when I fail those I love and those whose expectation are higher than I managed to reach at times. When that happens, I pray for strength to improve and do better. I think about how I could have handled things differently for a different, a better, outcome.
In my current job, I train people and one of the things I discuss is "positive outcome responses" or POR. At work, that means a response in which the outcome results in higher funding but it can only be obtained if the actions at the time are health related. Sometimes they simply are not and you can do nothing to change that. For instance, if you're assisting a student with something academic or you have a day off because you're sick or you only work four days a week, your response will not result in a POR. In life, a POR means something totally different. A POR means responding in a manner that helps heal, brings things to a peaceful result, lifts another's spirits, etc. But in both circumstances, there is no telling what the ultimate response will be. You cannot always determine how you will respond to a surprising behavior or hurtful words or festering anger. You cannot always put away your regret, your heartache or your displeasure. So we hope that the other party or parties involved can be patient and kind toward us; that they can forgive us without holding on to any negative feelings. If that person isn't in the right place, either, that likely won't happen.
So what do you do to move toward POR in your every day life? Well, I think I know. That's not the hard part. The hard part is putting away the negative feelings in a place where they can dissolve away - not fester to come rushing out as a volcano when things aren't what we desire them to be. Ah, then there's the rub. Or is it as simple as a prayer? I think it is. I believe that if I ask sincerely for help in melting away those negative feelings, I will be able to with His help.
What's not a surprise to me anymore is just how intricately my Heavenly Father intertwines in my life. Without my faith, without His and the Savior's abiding love, I cannot make things right; I cannot be whole. So there is where I will settle my heart and burdens for healing. And trust that the ultimate outcome is the right one and will come about on its own.
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