The Ache Today

Sorrow gives us pause to be grateful. That seems strange in so many ways, but true, too. I am on auto pilot, attending to what I must with work and home as best I can. But tonight I had a few moments of not being so exhausted I fell asleep the moment I sat down at home and I had nothing pressing to do. And I felt the ache creep up into my heart almost immediately.

It's snowing like crazy outside and I'm afraid tomorrow will end up being a snow day and I will be stuck here at home all day long. On the other side, I would be able to clean and get my resume and applications all done in a single day. If I stay busy, I'm coping.

I did not see this future when I was young and dreamed of life as a wife and mother. I did not imagine this pain as a part of it. I did not think there would be such uncertainty. I feel such a need to 'know' - know the future, know the plans, know what's been done so far, know what I will have to do to endure this without being a burden and with a light enough heart to shore up my child. But I cannot call. I cannot follow up. I cannot do anything but wait for word from others as to what is being done and when I need to do something.

My Bishop counsels me not to think too far ahead. I'm a planner, so that is no easy task. But how can I plan when I have no idea of what is going on elsewhere? How can I plan when everything is so frightening and confusing? How can I plan when there is nothing there to see because of uncertainty? And that's a hard place for someone who plans and looks far into the future like me.

So what now? I have only one recourse. I must pray and wait, trust and build my faith, accept His will, knowing that regardless of how I feel or what I want, he will guide me toward what is best and, if I listen well, the course will be tolerable and I will survive, as will my child, regardless of the ending.

Katherine Hepburn said: You learn in life that the only person you can correct and change is yourself.

So this is the path I am choosing. To become better than I have been. To be a better mother, a better daughter of God, a better earthly daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better employee. This I can choose. This I can change. This is within my control and in my future. This I CAN plan.