A Letter To Myself

No one really reads this blog these days - mostly because I hardly ever post and I'm not exactly entertaining. That's okay. I first started blogging back around....2001? I believe, when I needed an outlet for my emotions that I had to keep locked up so frequently. It helped. And along the way, it let me exercise my writing skills. But right now, I need to just write - without concern of who will read and without concern of what I need to say. I just need to let go. If you do happen to pop on here and think what's below is too much for you, too personal or leaves you too mystified, that's okay. I'm not really spelling much out because it all came down the pike just today and I don't know what the future holds and I've not had enough time to sort things out in my mind or my heart. But here goes.

Today, November 6, 2010, will be burned into my mind for a long time. Maybe forever. It will contain heartbreak, especially my heartbreak for my daughter's terror and sadness. It will contain many, many tears from both of us, but especially from me. It will contain a great deal of thankfulness to friends who came in droves and called to help, support, and give us TLC when we most needed it. But saddest and most surprising of all to me at the moment, is that it will/does contain some relief. I hadn't realized how much stress and trauma was upon my shoulders; upon my soul. Hadn't realized how much I was putting in to it, working so hard to do it right. Because I couldn't get it right. It was never right whether I talked softly, talked lots, held my tongue - talking none at all, cried, screamed, said things I regret or pleaded. It's difficult to realize you can't ever get something right when you finally see that's the case. When you see you're swimming upstream and all it's accomplished is that you're exhausted in your heart and body from the effort. When you finally see it isn't what you're doing wrong or what you're not doing; that it just wouldn't have mattered at all no matter what you did. But I get it now. I see this truth I guess I've denied myself because I wanted to be able to fix things - things I don't have the power to fix and never did.

I am grateful for good friends, loving family, and most of all, being held in the arms of the Comforter when you just feel undone. Thank goodness for my faith. Thank goodness for Heavenly Father's loving guidence. Thank goodness for an understanding of His great love and His desire for us to overcome what hardships we must endure here and find the joy in life. It may not feel like it right now, but I know it will be okay.