Who Decides?

There is some speculation that someone other than myself decides what the future holds for me. Of course, that's not true because the "no thanks" is the decision that counts; the one that's the actual decision to be made. The "we'll make it" isn't really a decision at all - it's a gamble. And not a very attractive one right now. I don't know if it ever will be again but I'm leaning to the "no thanks" more than I ever imagined I would. In fact, I'm standing in that circle at the moment.

I was always taught that when you do something wrong, you humble yourself and ask for forgiveness. And humbling means you step back from your own pride, your own feelings, any expectation of how others might react and basically take your licks. That seems right. It feels right and it's how I've always managed things. It's how almost everyone I know manages things. But I have come to realize that's not the case for everyone. And it's actually a surprise to me. "Foolish girl," says the voiceover in my head in a very sinister tone. But I like to think the best of people, even when they continually fail that position.

My future looks far different from what I imagined just a few years ago. But the thing is, it feels right to go in this direction. To have peacefulness in my home, to not feel on edge - constantly watching my words and taking jabs that I don't even know if the other person is aware of making. Probably not. It's nice to laugh EVERY day. It's nice to feel like my home is a santcuary, not just the next set of stressors.

So, I am looking at a different future and I am preparing the one I most love, the one most dear to my heart, for that transition. Prayer, scriptures, attending church, having family home evening. Those are my strongholds. That's what will make it so we can move forward to a better future - with or without. It's up to me to choose. No one else can.