Feeling Fine

I have to admit, I'm doing really well.  Yes, there is still some sadness, but I feel good about how peaceful our home is now and how easy-going everything seems to be.  I'm a little stressed about finances, but once Jay is paying child support/contributing to this household, I know I'll be fine. 

I am holding off filing for the divorce until we've had insurance for a while.  I haven't had some necessary care done in about 4 years and I need to get that taken care of.  So, I'll have to wait 3 months until the good insurance (not just gap insurance) kicks in so I can do so.  After a few months of that, I'll file the papers.  He'll continue to cover Rachel with insurance, though.

I do find times I wish I had someone to come home to and talk about things that happened in my day or problems we had at home (like when Babey escaped yesterday and we looked all over for her, thinking she was gone or dead).  I called him.  I needed to have someone else worrying, I guess.  Then I wanted to shoot myself for calling him.  But I know as time goes on, that will lessen.  It's a big change after 17 years.  It's been a big good-bye that's moving pretty slowly along, but it will come. 

Right now, she doesn't want to see him.  She doesn't want to talk to him on the phone.  I think part of that is anger and hurt, but a bigger part is that if he's nice and loving toward her, it might make it hurt more.  Oh how I wish I could protect her from this pain.  I'd gladly take it all to spare her any.  That child is the greatest joy of my life and I will always do everything I am able to do to help her be happy and healthy and content in life.  It's the least I can do for the joy I've had being a mother to her.  She is one fantastic kid.

You'll See

Done by Madonna, then Susan Boyle.  Music speaks to my soul and so this song is one more that has brought healing to my heart. 

http://youtu.be/G0PnPVdmiS4


Disappeared.  So I've added the link in case it's not here when you read this.

Delayed to Tuesday

Although he was certain he would be on his way Sunday, it was Tuesday when I dropped off his stuff and he boarded a greyhound for Springfield, Missouri.  I gave him a hug and kiss good-bye and teary-eyed, headed home.  It was harder than I wanted it to be.  I just had to tell myself it is, without a doubt, the right thing to do.  He wasn't going to be the man I used to love anymore and although there were glimmers of him, I know it would not last. 

I think he's relieved because he feels he's out from under the pressure of being a responsible adult family member.  He'd allowed himself to simply cop out after he lost his career driving a truck and being miserable not driving, decided it was everyone else's fault.  The last three years have been so awful with him constantly angry and constantly disrespectful and yelling - to both our daughter and me - that it has been a huge relief to have him gone.  Already, there is a comfort level in our home that feels so good.  I can't wait to get the house all cleaned up, my new sheets on the bed (I got an awesome deal at Big Lots on a nice set and I might go get another set at Ross that was only $5.00 more but even more gorgeous!) and settle in to a new and peaceful routine.

Rachel and I start Weight Watchers tonight, go see the last Harry Potter movie tomorrow, go to the church Bishopric Breakfast Saturday morning and then we plan to scrub our house clean.  I'm looking forward to how I'll feel come Sunday when it's all done - peace, cleanliness, a new and happier future.

But I'll always be his friend if he needs me.  I'll always love him some because of 17 years with him as my best friend and intimate and because he is the father of my amazing and lovely daughter.  I just hope he can find true happiness in his life, too.  I wish the best to him.         

Slipping of Sand

Seventeen years slip away through my fingers
Like sand trickling to the ground
Trodden on and brushed aside

A union, symbolized by a circle
Lies broken with no hope of repair
A testament to an end

I break, at first, with the realization
I cannot go on living this way,
Angry words thrust in my face daily

But then I feel the comfort I have known
The Gift I have been given
And peace fills my heart

It will all be fine and I will find peace
Joy and happiness awaits me
Despite being absent for so long

Let me walk through this troubled water
To the peaceful shore that lies on the other side
And there I will find I am whole again.  

Sunday is THE Day

Well, Sunday he leaves.  I thought it would be harder - and maybe it will be on that actual day - but so far, I just feel strongly that it's the right thing to do.  My girl is in the same place and I'll monitor her closely to be sure if that changes, I know and can be there for her. 

The truth is, I feel like I can live again when this is all said and done; like I'll be able to take a deep breath and just.....be me.  No eggshells to tiptoe over, no careful thought before I speak, no fear of showing my emotions because it might get me mistreated or, at the very least, yelled at (not that yelling is not mistreatment - it is).  It's hard to look at my life as having been this way off and on for the whole 17 years, but particularly for the last three.  I wanted it to work, though.  I held out for as long as I could that he would be the man he'd been for a good deal of our marriage and be good and kind, fun and loving again.  But that is not the path he has chosen and so I released him and by doing so, realized I had released myself to be free in my heart and my mind again.

I hope one day, not too long from now, I find my one great and true love - a man who respects me, adores the wife I strive to be and reciprocates those actions, loves my daughter as though he helped create her, promises and covenants with me and is able to keep those promises and covenants, finds it abhorant to ever lie to me, would never dream of not taking financial responsibility, is patient, kind, faithful in his friendships and family relationships and shares my religious beliefs.

I look at that list and think, "Man, am I asking a lot?"  I hope I'm not.  I hope that's who most men in my church are.  I know many who are and I hope there is one out there for me.  As my older sister has told me, I've always wanted to be a mama, but I also wanted to be a Mrs.  I know I have a lot to offer a good man and when my divorce is final, I hope I can find him - if it be God's will (and I think it is).         

Where's the Salt

One of my friends posted this on FaceBook.  I liked it so much, I decided to post it here:

Trinkets

My sweet daughter wrote a response to this poem on her blog. Read it at:
http://kunabee.blogspot.com/2011/07/re-trinkets.html

Enjoy more of her blog, filled with poetry, here:
http://www.kunabee.blogspot.com/


Never thought it would be this way
Never thought I'd have to say
Good-bye, Love

Never imagined this future alone
Never imagined this deafening tone
A hollow hole in my heart

Couldn't have known it would turn out this way
Wouldn't have wished this, anyway
The options were gone

Watched as dreams broke and fell
Watched while everything turned to hell
Couldn't hold it together alone

Thought it would break me, thought I might die
Felt loved ones embrace me, hold me up high
And I knew I'd survive

And the past began to fade, the future brightened
The burdens on my heart began to lighten
My hopes and dreams rearranged themselves
Into something more amazing

I found the world outside the fear and pain
I found the joy in life again
I found myself - unbroken, after all
I found I could stand alone and not fall

I took the trinkets of my former life
And packed them away out of sight
I set in motion what I'd found new
And found within me what I needed to