Middle School Shining

This is what I hoped would be. Rachel first made it into all advanced classes - including in math. We are thrilled because especially for the last two years, she's been bored in Language Arts. Now she is workin' it! Then she made the Drama Club and a part in the upcoming play. Today she made it on to the newspaper team as the "fantasy writer" and gets a "press pass" lanyard!! This is so right up her ally. She's been writing fantasy stories - even working on a book - since she was old enough to write with any sense. Now she'll have her stories published in the school paper (and she can use that one day when she does decide to publish a book). She is so shining in middle school. I am so proud of her and so thrilled for her being thrilled.

As for Jay and the job situation - well, things have moved to a place where we "sort of" know what's up. He actually had yet another accident. Of course, they are all small (with the exception of one) and never injure anyone (thank You, God) but they can cost him his job. The first 10 years of our marriage he had the same job and had one or two accidents over that entire period of time. Mind you, these were small, not involving any other vehicles. Some things considered "accidents", and Jay had one of these, is hitting a car with a hand cart (you know, a dolly) and leaving a mark. So not even behind the wheel of the truck. When I say accidents, I'm not saying he's been hitting other vehicles and endangering anyone. But, this last one did involve another vehicle and was not a smart move on his part but also appears to have been partially the fault of the other driver. Nevertheless, the damage was minimal. It was up in the air whether or not he would still have his job. But, again Thank You God, he does. They've decided to make him a local/regional driver. What that means is he will do local driving most of the time while the frieght is high in Colorado and will do some regional, which means out overnight and home again the next day. So he will be home a lot more than he has been. That is a great relief to me. I'm hoping, though not sure, that it will limit his ability to take "advances" on his checks, thereby causing us great financial strain. He will be home when something happens here that I need help with. I'll have a partner I can speak to face to face rather than always over the phone. Rachel will have her father present in her life again. Still, I feel as though I live on the edge of a breakdown because I have been living in a constant state of stress and worry since he lost his first job after ten years because of a terrible, thought out act against co-worker. It shell-shocks you. I have had it constantly on my mind, wondering if he was going to have another accident. Wondering if he's going to lose his job. Wondering if he does, can he find another. Wondering if one more hit via employment will be the last one he can take. And my shoulders feel the pressure of it. It niggles at the back of my mind that it's going to be up to me. I NEED to find a way to make my book good enough to publish and make enough money to pay off our debt. If I can't/don't, I must give up being the mother I have desired to be, longed for, prayed for and go to work full time. There is no one to take up the slack at home if I do this. Jay can't. He can't cope with it added to whatever else he must cope with. I don't have parents healthy enough and nearby enough to step up to help. I don't have siblings around to help. I've not really taken advantage of having lots of child care trading - because I didn't need it or want it. I was so thrilled to be blessed with our daughter, my heart ached when I was away from her until I finally had to grown up when she went to school. I don't know if that was healthy. I don't really care. She's turned out better than I could hope for so far and I know she will be a wonder when she is grown up. And she is my one shot, my only opportunity, to be a great mom. I don't want to fail that. It being up to me has always been the way it is in our marriage. But when we first married, I was strong from being single and either self-supporting or mostly self-supporting since I was 14 years old. I'd not had any debt for 7 or 8 years when we met, he came into the marriage unemployed (he started his job the day after we got married) and with $20,000.00 plus in debt. I/we paid it off in a little over a year living off one of our incomes and using every penny of the other to pay off the debt (well, and pay for our upcoming honeymoon a few months later). As the marriage went on and I was no longer the bread winner and slowly began to no longer even bring in any income, I released much of the control of the finances. It proved to be a mistake and it has been a difficult, if not impossible, climb back into the driver's seat. I have done my best and I have done my share of damage. Lots of mistakes were made that just dug us in deeper and deeper. So now we just have to find a way out. If I go to work full time, it will take us many, many years, so it would be a very long term deal and I'm not done raising my child. If I can sell my book for a decent amount and it sells well, too, I can pay this stuff off soon and place us in a much better position to cope with any job loss or difficulty that comes up. So I just keep praying, taking these friggin' meds I wish I didn't need because that's not who I really am, and planning the best I can with what little control I have. And still, my heart aches for this man I opened up to and love despite what else is there. Because what kind of a mother, wife, LDS woman, friend, daughter of my parents and daughter of God could I be if I didn't forgive what needs to be forgiven?