Difficult Decisions

My Folks at my Brother's Wedding 

My youngest sister has always lived with or near my parents. They either shared a house with a basement apartment, lived across the hall from each other in apartments or, as they do now, lived together in my sister and her husband's home. Shortly after they moved to Texas, my parent's health began a slowly deterioration. I think they've been there for about ten years now and in the last three, my parent's health has really gotten bad. My dad has dementia that has deteriorated so quickly the doctors doubt he will know any of us by this time next year. In fact, when they rallied health-wise this summer and made a trip here to visit, staying at my brother's, my dad mentioned he didn't know me for about the first 15 minutes I was there even though I was talking to him. He did recognize my daughter, though. My mother has had numerous back surgeries and a recent hip surgery after a fall and break. While Mom was in the hospital, Dad's dementia took a serious turn for the worse. So now my sister has the difficult position of placing them in an assisted living situation. The truth is, she just can't manage it anymore. It's becoming dangerous for all of them. This decision isn't being taken lightly. She has loved them and cared for them for a lot of years, paying them back, I imagine, for all the help they gave her while she and her husband got their degrees and my parents cared for her children. She's been dealing with accidents on the floor or missing the toilet, wet beds and chairs, trying to convince them to get up and change or shower or whatever they need to do. Now she is enduring broken wedding dishes because my father doesn't realize he's missing the cabinet, then doesn't realize he's dropped the plate and just gets another. My mother can't accept that he isn't going to improve and keeps trying to get him to do things he is no longer capable of, so things that could become fire hazards or other damage to the house are issues. He put an entire Costco size bottle of laundry detergent in the washer the other day and had he started the water, it would have been a disaster. Instead, my sister and her husband caught it and spent hours cleaning it all out. He's fallen out of bed and not been able to get up on his own, so he sleeps there all night. The last time, my sister found him on the floor with a bloody head, but he was not aware he'd been hurt. She had to call an ambulance. There is much, much more going on, but it is clear she cannot care for them anymore. It's just too much. For anyone. And she works many hours and has a family to care for, as well. It would be too much and overwhelming for someone who stayed at home, too. So, she alone, because she lives so far away, has had to pursue this action. I admire my younger sister. I admire her and am grateful for the love and care she has given my parents. My heart goes out to her. My parents are furious with her over all of this and, though my dad's mental condition keeps him from understanding why he is angry, my mother's emotions transfer over to him and he's actually been threatening to her. It's simply a dangerous situation for everyone involved at this point. Keeping them there and having the house catch fire or one of them fall and kill themselves or have violence erupt is just too much of a danger for everyone. I know in my heart that this is the best decision. I hope and pray that my other siblings will see it the same way and be kind to my sister during this emotional and difficult time. She truly is at a breaking point. What I wouldn't give to be able to go there and help her through it all.