My Space Between My Ears

Tall Actors

2012-01-28T23:01:00.001-07:00

They are surprisingly difficult to find. You see a lot of attractive actors but not a lot of them very tall. Well, tall for me means well over 6 feet because I'm tall myself at 5'9" - although I used to be taller until serious back problems robbed me of over 2 inches. So is this because taller mean less attractive? I think not! Here's a sampling to nix that idea:

Gorgeous Hugh Jackman at 6' 2".

Matthew Fox also at 6' 2" AND also looks good wet.....

Lee Pace at 6' 3" - nice on the eyes if not slightly thick in the brow.

Tom Selleck as he looks now and in his younger, Magnum P.I. days, at 6' 3 1/2". I had a teenage crush on him (yes, teenage) and he's aging well, if you ask me.

Liam Neeson at 6' 4" but maybe just attactive to those of us over....a certain age. Love his accent!

And John Corbett (remember Northern Exposure) at 6' 5" - if only he wasn't frighteningly out of touch with reality.

Of course, there are others, I'm sure, but this is my blog and I get to pick 'em today. Add yours in comments if you like.

Had to Laugh

2012-01-28T11:29:00.000-07:00

A little girl, around 6, that goes to our church was at the office yesterday with her mother. We have a couple of paintings up behind my desk of flowers. One is of flowers in a clear vase, so you can see the water level and the illusion of stems in water. She said, "Did they use clear paint so it looks like water?" It was an interesting idea and I thought it was so cute. I love the way children's minds work. But I told her they took Saran Wrap and smoothed it over the vase area, then modge-podged it on. It made her laugh because she totally wasn't going for that. Smart kid.

Curbing

2012-01-12T22:06:00.002-07:00

What do I mean by curbing? Perhaps, what are you curbing? Appetite? Your current way of life?

Nope, none of those. Curbing is what I call my first experience as the mother of a teen learning to drive. Oh yeah, it was that bad.

Her dad started her out, driving about an hour and a half a few days after Christmas but then left to go back on the road (trucker driver). I thought, "Shoot, I'll let the people I paid all that money to teach her." If only......

She needs more practice, I was told after her first session. She freaked out and actually had to pull over with the instructor because she was so scared.  I totally sympathize with my nervous, cautious child because, well, she gets it honestly. I can't remember what kind of new driver I was. We lived in the sticks so I was driving by the time I was about 14 and a half or so. My very first driving occurred in an old red VW bug with a big rust spot in the floorboard on the driver's side. If you took a corner and it had any water near it, your leg got splashed. This sentence makes it sound like I took my corners all wrong. Well, maybe. But mostly it's because smooth, paved streets were pretty rare in our parts back then.  Sometimes we had to get out and push it to get it to start again from a stop sign. But put a buck in the tank and you could drive around town all night. Of course, part of that was because gas was WAY cheap in the "olden days". So I don't really remember the part before I was able to drive. I'm a lot more nervous now than I was as a kid, though.

On to the story of the "curbing" experience. The instructor told me she was in no way ready for rush hour or downtown driving - the two next experiences with them. So we cancelled those upcoming appointments so I could practice with her. I thought a half hour or so every night (if it wasn't snowing or very icy out) would be the best way to go. I took her that very next night, pulled over to a curb in a residential area and we soon turned a corner. Now the story from her side is I freaked her out by having her turn a corner right away. Okay. Maybe. But it's not like it was her first. Thankfully the pedestrian - a middle aged woman walking home from what I suspect was a long day at work from the bus stop - had gotten about 10 to 15 feet in front of us. Rachel took the corner and....forgot to straighten out the wheel. I relatively calmly said, "Brake." No response. "Brake," I said more urgently as we went up on to the sidewalk and the tires kissed the grass. "STOP!!!!!" I yelled as we went fully on to the grass, our headlights shining on the woman's form not more than 10 feet ahead and one of those green power boxes less than 5 feet in front of us. Thankfully, from years of training, she knows when I yell, I mean business!!

I knew I must not get angry, so I quickly calmed myself and said, "Ok. Don't move until the lady gets further ahead and we have planned how to safely get out of the grass.  You can do this." I'm not certain if that last sentence was for her or for me. And I'm thinking I never expected to utter the first one.

But she did safely get us out of the grass and off the curb without hitting anything!!!
Oh, happy, happy day!!

We continue to drive on, with specific instructions as we slowly took each corner, went a little too fast down slight inclines with a little leftover snow and ice on them and repeatedly stopped in the crosswalk at stop signs all over the area. There was the center of the road thing, too, but so little traffic made that less a life-threatening experience than the pedestrian issue.

Not the worst experience I've ever had. I think we have a long road ahead of us and sometimes I really wish I had someone else to do this......

Oh, and a big shout out to the jerk in the little sports car who laid on his horn when he whipped onto the street behind us from a left turn. Okay, she was going a little slow but you think maybe the repeated horn blowing slowed her even more as she freaked out, not even realizing it was a car behind us, looking from the steering wheel to me to try to understand what she'd done to make the horn blow? Yeah, nice one, Buddy.  If only I were the sort to use hand signals.

The First Christmas

2011-12-23T20:05:00.002-07:00

By the title, you imagine you will read my thoughts on the very first Christmas, our Savior's birth, and how I feel about that. That might be in another post. This post is about the first Christmas without my mom on this earth to share it.

Christmas was her time of year. She loved it all - the family together, the decorations, especially the lights, the gift giving, the carols - you name it, she loved it. And because of that, her children all do, too. So every year since I've had a home of my own, I've gone all out to decorate, taken time to beautifully and carefully wrap gifts (often accused of paying to have it done by my younger sister), bake and make favorites to share with friends and family and had plenty of lights. And I kept thinking it would be that way this year, too.

But what I had were false starts. I kept planning and for the first time since I've had my own home, I didn't have it decorated over Thanksgiving weekend. A few weeks later, Rachel and I got around to it. Some lights went up outside, the Advent houses went on the counter, the Santa collection on the fireplace, the Nutcracker collection on the hutch.....and then I fizzled out. The snowman collection never made it out of the boxes. The Victorian, cardboard Santa figures never made it on to the wall. The favorite Christmas card collection never made it up on the wall, either. We put just two strands of lights on the tree and didn't put much effort into the outdoor lights, either.

It's just not the same this year. This year there was no conversation with my mom asking how much we'd gotten put up, what we were planning to make - all the things I talked to her about every year. And it sort of sucked the joy out of it. I've been a bit down in the dumps for two days. I feel on the verge of tears every moment. I wanted to cry after a surprisingly easy run to Walmart for some last minute baking needs - baking I have yet to get started on. I can't put my finger on it. It's just not that same this year.

To top it all off, Jay can't make it home for Christmas. He won't get here until Tuesday. We're having it on Christmas Day anyway because it's not fair to ask a kid to wait. He'll be on the phone with us as we open presents because that's the best we can do. And the days I took off from work are not going to be spent with him because he's not here. That's made it harder, too.

I know next year will be easier. I hope it will be down right much, much better. But this year I'm just going to try to focus on our Savior's birth and try to keep smiling - even though I don't really feel it (and feel like I suck as a mom right now because of it!).

Thank goodness for our friends and all they offer in reaching out to us, understanding how rough things have been for us these last couple of years. I know we are on our way to improving - better jobs, more income. Now we just need the set backs to stop and the improvements to keep coming instead of being stagnant. I know deep down everything will get better. I just have to keep the faith.

Maybe I'm Not All That

2011-12-16T23:47:00.001-07:00

I do not have a great deal of self esteem. Deep down inside, I know many positive things about myself but on the surface, I only feel good about two things - being a good mom and being a good employee. In fact, I'd say I can be a little over confident - at least about work. I took on so much that I was working 10 hour days, coming home and squeezing in an hour or two many nights, working weekends and I STILL couldn't keep up with everything.

I felt myself falling into a deep pit of despair. I say this with a flare for the written word but really, I was getting pretty down. I was feeling run down, disappointed that I couldn't do it all (not that anyone could, but I'd set my standard pretty darn high) and feeling like I failed my boss.

She saw it. She came to me and said, "I am an over-delegater and you are an over-worker and together, we are not managing it." No truer words had been spoken in some time. We hired a part-timer who has worked for my boss before and she's doing the bookkeeping while I keep all the rest of it.

I finally feel like work is manageable and perhaps I can have a life outside of my job. It's a new concept for me in the workforce. When I was single, I was notorious for working 12+ hours a day. I feel rewarded when I work and do a job well, so I put a lot in to it. But right now, I'm still raising my teenager and she needs me just as much as she did when she was little - just in a different way. And now I can focus a bit more on things at home and less about work.

I seriously feel much better.

Time Slips Away

2011-11-25T20:29:00.001-07:00

I blog for therapy. I used to read other people's blogs for the same reason. One of the blogs a friend writes leaves me laughing almost every time I pop over there. I monitor my daughter's feelings by reading hers and out of all the blogs I used to love to read, those are the only two I manage to get to these days and even that is so infrequent, I miss out on a lot.

There are two sides to this. One is that I don't have the time because I work full-time plus some at a job I really enjoy and this makes me a contributing member of the household. I like that very much. The other side is that I have little time for the things I love to do - blogging, reading and the one I miss the most, writing on my novel.

I know that somehow, I have to balance my life so I can fit in daily exercise and daily writing so that I feel good and completely fulfilled. But I've spent my life making excuses for what I 'can't' do. I can't work out every day because blah, blah, blah. I can't write on my novel, finish it and put it out there for publishing because blah, blah, blah.

I think part of that is not seeing me for who I am or what I am capable of in life. Another friend of mine tells me all the time how strong she thinks I am; how able I am to cope with so much more than the average person and still handle life with grace. In fact, she just told me this again a few days ago. But I blush and then say to myself, "there are far more difficult lives than mine and those people persevere despite their problems, too. I am nothing special."  And I'm not. But I guess it's kind of nice that someone thinks I am.

I wasn't one of the top kids in my family growing up. By that I mean I wasn't thought very highly of or given much support toward becoming anything.  That's just life, just the way it is, but I think it instilled a powerful lack of belief in myself that I could do much of anything. So I just pushed to do certain things really well. One was in the kind of employee I am. I work my tail off for whomever I'm employed by. It's why I moved up so quickly in every job I ever had that allowed such progress.  When I was single and could focus everything on my work, I made a lot of money...and spent it, too! I think this background also made me the kind of mom I am.  I KNOW I am a great mom. Even my teenager tells me this all the time. How awesome is that?!?!? And she doesn't think that because I let her get away with whatever. Everyone who knows her thinks she's a great kid. That's because she is.

So I've got two things I think I'm good at in life. But I suspect I have a lot more than that and I just don't push myself to be more, do better, improve in those areas. Maybe it's time to look myself in the eye, get serious and make some efforts in other areas that I've let slide. Maybe it's time to do what matters to me, too, not just what I have to do or am obligated to do. Maybe it's time to say no at the right time and yes at the best time.

I think I might try this on for size and see how it goes.

Finally, Sunshine

2011-11-19T10:33:00.001-07:00

It has been a long, difficult road - especially for my daughter - but the sun has begun to shine again. Through absolutely no fault of her own, she has struggled for a long time with darkness, sorrow and frightening thoughts.  In her desire to be the good and precious child she truly is, she covered it with smiles and laughter. But that only worked for so long. Everything began to fall apart this year. We endured a lot and it took it's toll.

We lost the only home she'd ever known to foreclosure - something I never thought we'd experience. My mother, her grandmother, passed away and three weeks later, our dog of nine years did, too. Jay's behavior had been appalling for far too long and so we separated after letting things go on much longer than it should have - but I couldn't walk away from the mentally ill man I love until then. He abandoned us in his anger and would not speak to his own daughter while only yelling at me.  And her sickness began to show itself because it was bad enough she could no longer hide it.

She's been afraid of this illness because of what she's seen from her father. She can scarcely remember the time when things were good; when we laughed a lot and enjoyed each other as a family unit. He'd been seriously ill with his disease since she was 9 years old. And that's what she was afraid of becoming. So in trying to deny it, she hid it until she couldn't.

But things have brightened. Jay had a medication change that had been desperately needed for 5 years. He knew he could not live on $9.00 an hour on his own, so he made it happen that he could begin driving again. He spent time alone on the road and realized some things about himself that three stints in marriage counseling and two trips through the church marriage classes had not helped him see. He began to regret and felt ashamed of what he had become. And he began to talk to me without anger, without yelling, without blame toward me. He just admitted what he'd been responsible for in this mess we'd called a marriage the last 5 years. And we have reunited - though he is driving over the road, so we only see him for a few days once every month or 6 weeks. But for now, that's fine.

And I pulled myself out of my shell of denial that this was all happening again, but this time to my sweet daughter, and sought the help she needed. She's been seeing a therapist, but it was clearly not enough. I made an appointment through Children's Hospital and she saw a psychiatrist. What a huge relief to finally have a diagnosis - anxiety with depression. And a huge relief to find the answer to what she needed - medication and less pressure at school. I pulled her out of Honors math. She's still in an advanced math class, but at a much calmer pace. She'll remain out of honors math through the rest of high school. We've already mapped that path out with her school counselor. All her other classes remain Honors, but they are easy for her and she enjoys them. And we started medication which seems to be working very, very well. For the first time in a long time, I have my ray of sunshine back! My little girl is smiling - genuinely smiling - and laughing and happy and so much more relaxed. She's not all the way there yet as we're still adjusting the medication level, but she is very well on her way. And I cannot thank my Heavenly Father enough for protecting her until I could get the help she needed. I thought I was going to lose her and that, I could not endure.

So, we are moving forward instead of backward again. We are working on all the right things at all the right times in all the right places and I look forward as the light grows around us again and the darkness fades.

We survived. We persevered. We endured.

Time Heals

2011-10-24T21:01:00.000-06:00

A little passing of time and I find myself settled into what to do about the two main things in my life that have pained my heart and soul.

My little girl will see a psychiatrist soon for a med evaluation and, I am certain, will begin to take some meds for depression. That vibrant, sweet, soaring soul that has been my daughter until these past few months will begin to emerge again all the time instead of just now and then. I feel at peace with this decision and I trust my Heavenly Father to guide us and protect her; guiding and blessing the Dr. she sees to make the right medication decision to help her through this troubled time.

My husband is someone I thought was gone forever and it's odd and sweet and this time, I know I'm seeing a true change - not a momentary one he made to get back into the family. With regaining his career, being able to support his family, he feels like a man again and that goes a long way for the males of our species. He laughs all the time when we talk and when he visits. He is thoughtful about the things we've endured and the most surprising to me, he is grateful for all I did to try to stick it out. Today he called and told me I was the most courageous person he knew. That took me by surprise. He said he had thought all along that I was just doing everything I had done because I was afraid the marriage would fall apart. But now he sees that I took these great measures, even - in his words - endangering myself somewhat, to protect him from himself. And, of course, he knows I was protecting Rachel, too. He has opened my heart again on a part of life I thought was gone. I believe I will have back the man I fell in love with over 17 years ago; the man who made me laugh, who made me feel loved and who wanted happiness in our life. It leaves a sweet taste in my mouth.

Time heals so many things. Sometimes it heals the ache of a heart, the sorrow of something lost, the fear of the future. Sometimes it brings peace to our minds and joy to our thoughts and we find ourselves able to walk again and not falter. Time can be a gift.

Here and There and...Where???

2011-09-23T23:33:00.000-06:00

It's hard to post when I don't know what I'm feeling. Not just about the marriage but there are a lot of difficult things right now.

Most everyone I've been around says I look really good - not just some weight loss, but my countenance. That's understandable having had so much stress lifted off me on a daily basis and having a chance to heal. At the same time, I feel a little anxious about whether or not I'm doing right by Rachel. She's going through a lot of stuff right now - stuff I can't help with, stuff that's passed on from both example and, I think, genes. I think just seeing a therapist alone isn't going to do the trick. I think she won't be able to be happy until she's on some medication and I worry that her therapist -whom I like and appreciate and do trust - will not go in that direction. She's very holistic in her views but I think what I see at home is more of an indicator than what she gets in a session. And the part that's the hardest for me to accept is how difficult I'm finding it to deal with this.

I love my daugther more than my own life. She is the greatest joy in my life. She is the sunshine in the darkest days. But right now, I feel......resentful, I think.....I'm not really sure. But I guess maybe put out that I'm dealing with the same stuff I dealt with in my marriage and just got free of. I can't even begin to express the amount of guilt I feel for this. I know she can't just fix herself and she's a teen and some of it is just being a teen. But I know some of it is depression, anxiety, stress that she isn't able to manage on her own and I feel pulled in two different directions.

Do I push the issue of meds and just take her to a shrink to have that addressed? Do I give the therapy more time and hope she doesn't drop into despair? Do I just pray and have faith it will all work out? I don't know what to do and although I greatly admire and love our new Bishop, he's not the one who has guided me through all this stuff so far and not who I felt like I could just poor my heart out to. So I don't feel like I have a comfortable source for guideance - which I greatly relied on with my previous Bishop.

What do I do? What do I do? I'm so afraid of messing this up and this is everything. This is my whole life, my whole heart in this child of mine. What if I do the wrong thing? What if I don't act at the right time with the right choice? What if there is nothing I CAN do? I feel so afraid right now. I wish Heavenly Father would just send me the answer. I just need someone else to answer this for me becaus I just don't know what to do.

Homecoming

2011-09-07T19:59:00.000-06:00

He's coming home tomorrow for a few days and my feelings about it are all over the place. I see in my daughter's face, in her heart, how much she needs to see him. And I feel this....fear, maybe....or concern or something I can't name about how I will feel over the whole thing. There is a little excitement in me, too. Lately, I've needed him - to talk to about some difficult issues that have gone on - and realize how much I miss having a companion to share the tough things with. I look forward to talking face to face. But I am scared. I don't want to feel too much or too....hard. I want to stay in a place where I can keep my head about me because whether or not we one day get back together, it is far in the future. He needs to look inside for a while, to become better and stronger. And I need to grow independent again, grow confident in myself again. So it's a little scary.

We are still husband and wife. I still love him. I know some people say they hate the people they were once married to, and maybe it's because we're still married so those vows are still in place, but I still feel that love for him. The path we are on is the right one. Where it will ultimately lead is the question. And I don't know. It will just take time. And until then, we'll do our best to be good to each other, to be there for each other and show our daughter how much she means to us both. After all, she comes first in all this, only after God Himself.

Rollercoaster Riding

2011-08-15T22:22:00.000-06:00

I don't like rollercoasters. They scare me and make me feel sick and since I have struggled with vertigo, there is no way I'd willingly step on one. But that's what my marriage has been for a long time. Maybe always - but my memory seems to be uncertain as I desire to remember the good parts more than the difficult or bad ones.

We've talked on the phone, cried together, talked some more. Where we will end up is an unknown. For me, I still feel certain we are on the road to eventual divorce. I cannot imagine trusting him again to be kind or to remain decent in his dealings with me. But I also can't forever turn my back on him. You see, I have this annoying remaining feeling for him called love. Certainly, it's much, much less than it was during the good times of our marriage and even less than during most of the bad times. There is little to no opportunity for it to grow again. And that's what I prefer. I have made my choice. But as the saying goes, never say never.

I dream of dating one day again, finding someone whose testimony in our faith is at least as strong as mine, but preferrably stronger than my own so that he would lead our family as a priesthood holder. I desire to feel completely and utterly loved for who I am, without constant conditions set upon me. I hope to find a kind face, a gentle touch, a pure love of Christ. These things I seek in a man and may or may not ever find. But I know they are out there. I have met some, though already taken in marriage. Their goodness and solid belief in their faith is such a reassurance to me. I know there are others out there who are the same and looking for another themselves.

Still, I wonder if my fate is to wait out Jay's sorting - which could take years - and then never have those desired feelings that would bring me peace.

Don't get me wrong. I have no intention of not following through with my plans. I am stronger now and know that I can manage alone. And I never again want my home invaded by the darkness that lived here before he left. All I know is I can't give up on him. You just never know and I want to support him, even without plans to reunite, so that he can find peace and happiness within himself for his own future.

A Dedicated Home

2011-08-07T21:15:00.000-06:00

Tonight, our very wonderful home teacher came by to check on us. It is the day after a nasty phone call from Jay and so it was nice to have the priesthood in our home. But after some discussions and some thoughts and suggestions from him and then a blessing for Rachel to help her start the school year, he felt impressed to dedicate our home.

We have NEVER lived in a dedicated home. Jay never used the power of his priesthood for things like that. It was difficult to get him to give a blessing at all. I understand why now; he knew he wasn't really worthy. So our home was without that special blessing for a long time.

So in his prayer, the moment he spoke the words that he dedicated our home, Rachel and I both began to cry. For those who are not members of the church, this meant that a blessing and prayer was placed over our home - to keep us and it safe, to have the Holy Spirit within these walls, to bless us with peace and happiness here. The powerful Spirit that was present nearly took my breath away and I am so grateful to Doug for his sweet words and how in tune he is with the Spirit that he was able to realize our need and offer to remedy it. What a calm and good feeling dwells within the walls of our home tonight.

Thank you, Doug, for being the wonderful person you are. Cheri is a very lucky woman.

Wounded

2011-08-07T21:06:00.000-06:00

The wounds of my heart were open for so long,
Left bleeding and aching for what was gone.
But these three long years have not been for nothing.
I've grown stronger and wiser and found hope
For the future that looks brighter with each passing day
Because I found my own value,
On my own and without his say.
I know who and what I am in my heart.
I've come through the fire and found a fresh start
And learned how to hang on in this world filled with struggles.

I don't know what happened to change him so,
Or maybe I thought he was something more and was wrong.
I know what matters in this life and after
My faith has been what's kept me from sinking
My family has been my foundation and helped me take courage
Whatever the future, I know I'll be at peace
I've done the right thing and it's keeping us safe.

Invading My Dreams

2011-08-04T09:15:00.000-06:00

I dreamt about him last night. Not something sweet or that I'd want to revisit. No, instead he had somehow gotten into the house and decorated with all this stuff that was nothing I would ever choose. My sense was he knew that and was testing me to see if my heart was still in the same place - the place that ended our marriage. It was. I told him to take it all down. I said it nicely, a bit of trepidation in my actions; will he get angry and throw things? Will he scream? But he only mentioned how one item that he 'really' thought I'd like was broken. I said to put it back in the box and take it back, then asked if he still had the box. "It didn't come in a box," he responded, but I felt hidden meaning in that exchange.

There was also a woman he'd brought with him who was helping him. At first, I thought I knew her - but no, she was a stranger. And I didn't like a stranger in my home, putting things up as if she lived here. I was irritated, insulted and remembered the numerous reasons I ended this marriage. I did so I would never have to be afraid or concerned about someones reaction to something again - you should never 'fear' someone else's behavior because if you do, something is wrong about it. Also, so that I never again had to accept something I was completely against just to keep the peace. That's not to say I wouldn't compromise. I have always compromised, knowing this is the best way to allow everyone happiness - if they want to be happy. And because of an issue of trust. If you cannot trust your spouse, everything else will fall apart. And I have not trusted him - in many areas - in a very long time. Mostly because he failed me in that aspect of our marriage. Yes, I know he loved me (still does, as I do him). Yes, I know he tried sometimes. Yes, I know he wished he could change some of the things he'd allowed himself to do. But too much was missing or wrong and it lead to the end because they were the most important pieces. Faithfulness, kindness, humility, the desire to make your spouse happy - he had allowed these things to drift away, never to return. And if they don't go both ways, the relationship dies.

In a way, I believe he is relieved to be rid of the responsibility that came with being a part of a family. Although I know there is plenty his misses about having one, he also was done with taking responsibility for us. I'm not talking just financially, either. I mean responsibility of the heart.

But in the same breath, I am relieved to be rid of the constant struggle to keep the peace in an impossible situation. There was no way, regardless of what I did, that I could keep the peace, make him happy or relieve whatever self-doubt and self-loathing he carried. He feared a certain future and he then spent the last five years creating it.

Now there is peace in this household. Now my daughter and I are unafraid, comfortable, relaxed in a way that shows on our faces and in our hearts.

I miss him from time to time, when certain things happen in the family. I miss sharing some things and I miss having another to worry with me about things. Right now, he is far removed from us, though. He's always been very selfish, but now he doesn't have to look us in the eye. In a phone call today, I was told I shouldn't expect more than $100.00 a week for the next 4 weeks. That's going to make things very difficult financially for us. And I'm a little angry about it. There are still bills here, expenses for our child, that he is responsible for and now, he's cut back even further what he will contribute. But until I do something through the courts - file for child support - there is nothing I can do about it. I suspect, based on what his income will be, I will get at least a couple hundred more a month through legal child support. So if the tide doesn't change in 4 weeks, that will be my next step. The saddest part, his daughter knows he cares more for himself than her and so she doesn't even care if she speaks to him or sees him. I hope, for both their sakes, he changes his behavior and does right by us. Only time will tell.

Feeling Fine

2011-07-30T23:22:00.000-06:00

I have to admit, I'm doing really well. Yes, there is still some sadness, but I feel good about how peaceful our home is now and how easy-going everything seems to be. I'm a little stressed about finances, but once Jay is paying child support/contributing to this household, I know I'll be fine.

I am holding off filing for the divorce until we've had insurance for a while. I haven't had some necessary care done in about 4 years and I need to get that taken care of. So, I'll have to wait 3 months until the good insurance (not just gap insurance) kicks in so I can do so. After a few months of that, I'll file the papers. He'll continue to cover Rachel with insurance, though.

I do find times I wish I had someone to come home to and talk about things that happened in my day or problems we had at home (like when Babey escaped yesterday and we looked all over for her, thinking she was gone or dead). I called him. I needed to have someone else worrying, I guess. Then I wanted to shoot myself for calling him. But I know as time goes on, that will lessen. It's a big change after 17 years. It's been a big good-bye that's moving pretty slowly along, but it will come.

Right now, she doesn't want to see him. She doesn't want to talk to him on the phone. I think part of that is anger and hurt, but a bigger part is that if he's nice and loving toward her, it might make it hurt more. Oh how I wish I could protect her from this pain. I'd gladly take it all to spare her any. That child is the greatest joy of my life and I will always do everything I am able to do to help her be happy and healthy and content in life. It's the least I can do for the joy I've had being a mother to her. She is one fantastic kid.

You'll See

2011-07-23T15:14:00.000-06:00

Done by Madonna, then Susan Boyle. Music speaks to my soul and so this song is one more that has brought healing to my heart.

Delayed to Tuesday

2011-07-21T16:27:00.000-06:00

Although he was certain he would be on his way Sunday, it was Tuesday when I dropped off his stuff and he boarded a greyhound for Springfield, Missouri. I gave him a hug and kiss good-bye and teary-eyed, headed home. It was harder than I wanted it to be. I just had to tell myself it is, without a doubt, the right thing to do. He wasn't going to be the man I used to love anymore and although there were glimmers of him, I know it would not last.

I think he's relieved because he feels he's out from under the pressure of being a responsible adult family member. He'd allowed himself to simply cop out after he lost his career driving a truck and being miserable not driving, decided it was everyone else's fault. The last three years have been so awful with him constantly angry and constantly disrespectful and yelling - to both our daughter and me - that it has been a huge relief to have him gone. Already, there is a comfort level in our home that feels so good. I can't wait to get the house all cleaned up, my new sheets on the bed (I got an awesome deal at Big Lots on a nice set and I might go get another set at Ross that was only $5.00 more but even more gorgeous!) and settle in to a new and peaceful routine.

Rachel and I start Weight Watchers tonight, go see the last Harry Potter movie tomorrow, go to the church Bishopric Breakfast Saturday morning and then we plan to scrub our house clean. I'm looking forward to how I'll feel come Sunday when it's all done - peace, cleanliness, a new and happier future.

But I'll always be his friend if he needs me. I'll always love him some because of 17 years with him as my best friend and intimate and because he is the father of my amazing and lovely daughter. I just hope he can find true happiness in his life, too. I wish the best to him.

Slipping of Sand

2011-07-16T00:11:00.000-06:00

Seventeen years slip away through my fingers
Like sand trickling to the ground
Trodden on and brushed aside

A union, symbolized by a circle
Lies broken with no hope of repair
A testament to an end

I break, at first, with the realization
I cannot go on living this way,
Angry words thrust in my face daily

But then I feel the comfort I have known
The Gift I have been given
And peace fills my heart

It will all be fine and I will find peace
Joy and happiness awaits me
Despite being absent for so long

Let me walk through this troubled water
To the peaceful shore that lies on the other side
And there I will find I am whole again.

Sunday is THE Day

2011-07-14T20:17:00.000-06:00

Well, Sunday he leaves. I thought it would be harder - and maybe it will be on that actual day - but so far, I just feel strongly that it's the right thing to do. My girl is in the same place and I'll monitor her closely to be sure if that changes, I know and can be there for her.

The truth is, I feel like I can live again when this is all said and done; like I'll be able to take a deep breath and just.....be me. No eggshells to tiptoe over, no careful thought before I speak, no fear of showing my emotions because it might get me mistreated or, at the very least, yelled at (not that yelling is not mistreatment - it is). It's hard to look at my life as having been this way off and on for the whole 17 years, but particularly for the last three. I wanted it to work, though. I held out for as long as I could that he would be the man he'd been for a good deal of our marriage and be good and kind, fun and loving again. But that is not the path he has chosen and so I released him and by doing so, realized I had released myself to be free in my heart and my mind again.

I hope one day, not too long from now, I find my one great and true love - a man who respects me, adores the wife I strive to be and reciprocates those actions, loves my daughter as though he helped create her, promises and covenants with me and is able to keep those promises and covenants, finds it abhorant to ever lie to me, would never dream of not taking financial responsibility, is patient, kind, faithful in his friendships and family relationships and shares my religious beliefs.

I look at that list and think, "Man, am I asking a lot?" I hope I'm not. I hope that's who most men in my church are. I know many who are and I hope there is one out there for me. As my older sister has told me, I've always wanted to be a mama, but I also wanted to be a Mrs. I know I have a lot to offer a good man and when my divorce is final, I hope I can find him - if it be God's will (and I think it is).

Where's the Salt

2011-07-10T18:55:00.000-06:00

One of my friends posted this on FaceBook. I liked it so much, I decided to post it here:

Trinkets

2011-07-01T23:10:00.004-06:00

My sweet daughter wrote a response to this poem on her blog. Read it at:
http://kunabee.blogspot.com/2011/07/re-trinkets.html

Enjoy more of her blog, filled with poetry, here:
http://www.kunabee.blogspot.com/

Never thought it would be this way
Never thought I'd have to say
Good-bye, Love

Never imagined this future alone
Never imagined this deafening tone
A hollow hole in my heart

Couldn't have known it would turn out this way
Wouldn't have wished this, anyway
The options were gone

Watched as dreams broke and fell
Watched while everything turned to hell
Couldn't hold it together alone

Thought it would break me, thought I might die
Felt loved ones embrace me, hold me up high
And I knew I'd survive

And the past began to fade, the future brightened
The burdens on my heart began to lighten
My hopes and dreams rearranged themselves
Into something more amazing

I found the world outside the fear and pain
I found the joy in life again
I found myself - unbroken, after all
I found I could stand alone and not fall

I took the trinkets of my former life
And packed them away out of sight
I set in motion what I'd found new
And found within me what I needed to

Speaking to the Process

2011-06-30T20:56:00.001-06:00

Good Morning by India Arie

And I Wish You Love By Rachael Yamagata

Certain

2011-06-30T07:06:00.003-06:00

In all my life, the one thing I'm certain of is that I cannot protect my daughter from this pain she is enduring. All I can do is hold her. Her poetry says it all:

http://kunabee.blogspot.com/

The Demise of a Marriage

2011-06-27T18:45:00.004-06:00

After nearly 17 years of marriage, I have asked him to leave. It's just too much to continue to live with and I'd rather it be just my girl and I than live under this misery any longer.

It wasn't always this way. There were plenty of wonderful times that are etched in my memory but it takes so many more positives to outweigh the negatives. The last two and a half to three years have been very unhappy, almost exclusively. So it is time to move away from this marriage and on to my own so I can rebuild my heart, my self-esteem and my happiness. Thankfully, just making the decision has given me great relief. It's not that I am not grieving the loss, I am. But I also look forward to the peacefulness, the happiness without the constant negatives interjected into things that doesn't need to be there. There are things I will miss, but sadly, they are few at this point.

The hardest part of all? I miss being able to talk to my mom about this whole thing. My sister's and brother's are very supportive and all feel this is a good decision on my part, but I wish I could talk to Mom about it. I've been missing her terribly because of what's going on. Of course, I miss her terribly anyway. So one of my friends suggested I find a quiet time when no one is home and do just what I need to do - talk to her. I'm waiting for that opportunity. I just wish I could hear her talking back to me.

Comfort

2011-06-06T22:00:00.003-06:00

2 Nephi 4:34-35

Oh Lord, I have trusted in thee and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever asend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

I miss my mom. I wish I could speak to her and have her comfort me, too.

Rollercoaster

2011-06-03T16:48:00.004-06:00

I find life in the rollercoaster not much of a life. Calm and serene is more my wish and more what I try to create for myself and my daughter. Sometimes, those around us take us through peaks and valleys with no sense of direction themselves. It rocks the boat so no one knows what to expect from one moment to the next. I've lived a long time like that, making excuses for them. But all that does is give them power. So the thing to do is to take back your control. I am taking back my control today. And I'm not letting it go again. Lesson learned, thank you.

Trust

2011-05-29T11:13:00.004-06:00

I have always found trust an easy thing to feel. For the most part, people make it easy to trust them - more often than not because they are trustworthy in general. And, of course, when a person breaks that trust, you can simply know to never feel that level of comfort with them again.

But what happens if the person who breaks the trust is someone you are intimately entwined with? How does that lost bond ever heal? The easy answer is that the other party heals it with love and kindness and by humbling themselves. They work hard to be sure you know you can trust them in the future. They understand the seriousness of what they have broken. They walk gently and understand you can't magically trust them again. They think before they act. They make it clear their respect and love for you is their number one priority in your lives.

And if they don't heal it? Then the opposite happens and the relationship dwindles and deteriorates until it is incapable of repair. That happens when the actions of the other person continue to produce stress, fear, tears, and mistrust. I would think this an easy concept. At least easier than many others I can think of. But the offending party would have to be sincere and be able to look outside themselves, with no expectation of if, when or how the trust grows again. They would simply have to be kind.

But as I write this, I realize that the facts would indicate the latter is a person who, in general, is not kind, does not love the other person, does not respect them and cannot find a positive attitude about life in general. And then that relationship isn't really a relationship of love. And the time invested, how ever many years that might be, have been wasted on something for which there is no hope.

I don't think these relatonships begin that way. I think it, sadly, just grows that way. Something or someone became broken and never cared to be whole again. I grieve because of it, but I know there is nothing more I can do. So instead, I do what I must to protect those I love and I severe that relationship with hopes and prayers that it is the right thing to do and that I am protecting us the best I can.

There has been too much pain. Too much fear and hurt and stress. Now we need peace and this is the only way I know to give that to us. Just the two of us...what once was three.

Mother's Day

2011-05-06T21:54:00.004-06:00

I guess it's the firsts that will hurt so much. First day after her death when I awoke and my first thought was that she was gone. The first phone call after I got home to speak to my dad and not her. The first sympathy card. The first comment from a friend. Now Mother's Day is upon us and it will be another first. Already I feel the ache in my heart. Already I feel the loss. And feeling this, I can't imagine how much more difficult it is for my sister, Kandi, who has cared for my parents all these years.

Since I had my daughter, Mother's Day has always been my favorite holiday. Not because mother's are the center of it but because I was given the gift of becoming a mother and my joy in that has been my greatest joy in life. This year, it's hard to feel that same way because my mother is gone from this earth. I know her spirit is with me when I need her. I know her love is there. But I won't hear her voice or see her face or talk to her and make her laugh again until I have moved from this life myself.

My husband asked me what I wanted to do for Mother's Day. I gave a half-hearted answer because nothing feels right. I might just go to church and then go to bed for the rest of the day. At least, that's what I'll feel like doing. But instead I'll smile and love on my sweet little daughter who gave me that joy beyond measure. That's what my mom would do, too.

I'm not sure what to do with the Mother's Day card I'd already bought for you when I couldn't decide between the two I narrowed it down to.

I miss you, Mama. I miss hearing your voice on the phone. I miss sharing things with you, hearing you laugh, listening to the love in your tone when you say you love me and miss me. I love and miss you, too.

Motherless

2011-04-17T00:40:00.005-06:00

On March 30, 2011 at 2:45 p.m. in Conroe, TX, that is what I became. And every day for the rest of my life, that is what I will be. It has left an empty hole in my heart where she lived.

My mother was an amazing woman. Everyone who knew her spoke of her smile that lit up the room, her kindness, the way she shared her love and her home with anyone and everyone.

My mother was a beautiful woman. Even at 83 years old, she barely had a wrinkle on her peaches and cream skin. She had gorgeous, curly and wavy white hair that was soft as silk to the touch.

My mother was my father's lover and best friend for 65 years of marriage and four years of dating beforehand. The hole in his heart is so much more than I can imagine.

She was remarkable in the way she filled our childhoods with adventure, never let us think we were poor because we always had enough to eat and a roof over our heads, and filled our home with music.

My mother played the piano and my whole childhood is filled with memories of standing around it while she played, singing hymns, Christmas carols, whatever more popular songs we could talk her into playing and old favorites from her youth and earlier life.

My mother smiled her way through life. And I learned from her that this is an excellent survival tool. It makes you feel better and, in most cases, it makes those around you feel better, too. She knew this secret and used it to bring joy to the sorrowful, peace to the weary and hope to the hopeless. All of my school friends loved her. And this is a big reason why.

My mother and I didn't always get along. Her death has made me reflective and turned my thoughts inward. I see some things in myself that remind me of her. And there are some things about her I wish were part of me. I think she made me strong. Some of those difficult things between us when I was young made me capable of coping with parts of my adult life I never imagined. And I feel nothing but love and gratefulness for her being in my life.

There is a story of our travel to Texas after Kandi called to say, "Come now," and what occurred leading up to the moment of her death. But though I have attempted to write it, I find it too personal to publish on my blog (despite a small readership). Those intimate details, of tearful, softly spoken words, whispered secrets, coping skills or lack thereof are only for those of us who were there, sharing in this heartbreak together.

What I will tell you is that I wish I had been a better daughter. I know I am who I am and living so far apart made that difficult, but I wish I'd had the opportunity to be a better daughter. I will tell you that Kandi has been the very best of all of my mother's children in how she cared for my parents, and continues to care for my father. I will tell you that I am eternally grateful that we arrived before she passed away so that I could feel her hand in mine, touch her, kiss her and whisper words I needed to say to her. I am so grateful we didn't wait until after as initially planned, that I can't even express how much it ultimately meant to me to be there. I had not expected that. Now I know I HAD to be there. And I will tell you that I want to be a better person than I was before all this because of this great and painful loss.

The truth is, I lost my mother about a year or so ago. Her body weakening caused her mind to weaken, too, and I no longer had her to call and listen to me when I sorrowed or had concerns I needed to share. My mother was the first person I called when I got pregnant with my daughter, Rachel. She was also the first person I called with my five subsequent pregnancies and the miscarriages that followed each one. I knew that because of her first child being stillborn, she could understand my sorrow. I knew that like me, she had always wanted to be a mother and wife. She was blessed with five surviving children and then later adopted Judy in every way but officially. My mother knew how to love and that is what she did. So when her mind changed so drastically, I only called with funny stories about our pets or happy accomplishments of her granddaughter's or when I got my jobs after being a stay-at-home mom for more than ten years. She was always so proud of me, of Rachel, of Jay. I did not call her when my marriage fell apart last November and we separated for a little while. I didn't tell her how hard it was to pick up all the pieces and make our marriage good again. I just told her everything was fine. And it was so hard not to have her there. But now she knows all the details, knows we are still working at it, because I know she watches out for us. So when we had to put our dog down a few days ago, on April 20th, I spoke to her while I cried in the shower - my place to do that so I don't worry my daughter or stress my husband - and I know she heard me and mourned with me. So in a way, I guess I do have her back.

Mom

2011-03-25T23:35:00.002-06:00

Writing soothes my soul. And right now, I very much need that. My parents have been going downhill, coming to the end of their lives, for a couple of years now. But just two days ago, my mother began a fever and now lies unresponsive, eyes closed, in bed. It will not be long.

In so many ways I think I am not ready. But at the same time, I know she is. She's been in a lot of pain for a long time, worse now because of bed sores that will never heal. Her back and neck cause her pain, too. It is her time.

My dad sits at her side and cries, talks to her, loves her the way he has for their 64 years of marriage and the four years prior to that. They met at the age of 15, got engaged at 16 and married at 19. Their only separations where when my father did his tours of duty in Korea and Vietnam during those wars. I cannot imagine my dad being without her.

Today, I called my brother, Kim, who is with her and he put his phone to her ear. I told her how much I loved her, what a wonderful mother she has been, how I have so many fond memories of shopping with her, laughing, talking and the support she always gave me. And I gave her my permission to go. I told her we would all be all right, we would take care of Dad and that it was okay for her to go.

She got a blessing today, too. My brother, who has been inactive for many years, was asked to join in. He needed this, too, as a way to provide a special service to my mother. It was a deeply spiritual experience for him. I am grateful that Heavenly Father directed my parent's home teacher to ask Kim to assist him.

People are rallying around. My mother's church is beginning to respond with love and support of all kinds - both to my parents and to my siblings who are already there in Texas. I said my good-byes at my visit in June. I will wait until she has passed to go. I asked my brother, Kim, if I was doing the right thing because I want to be there for my sister, Kandi, who has been the one caring for them these last few years, after. He said yes, so I feel even more confident that I should go then. I wish I could afford to be there now and then stay on a week to help Kandi, but that's not the reality of my life. So I said my good-bye on the phone today and back in June and I know I will see her again one day.

I wish I could speak my whole heart - but I fear drowning in the emotions, here in the world where I have to do what I have to do each day. This post doesn't really speak my heart. But it says what I need it to say for now.

If you are reading and pray, please pray for a peaceful transition for her, for peace for my dad and comfort for us all during this difficult time.

Saying What Should Be Said

2011-03-06T16:43:00.003-07:00

I have a brother-in-law, Javad, of whom I am quite fond. He is married to my younger sister. They have two beatiful boys whom I adore and I am proud of the fact that he really is a rocket scientist. Of course, I'm proud of my sister, a dean of graduate students and associate VP at the State college where she works, too.

I think what made me first really take notice of Javad, who he is as a man, was how kind and respectful he was to my parents. They always lived across the hall from each other in apartments or shared a house with a basement apartment or, in these last 12 years or so, had them living in their home until my parents required a nursing home. All that time, he treated them with respect and took a step back when necessary to maintain peace. I don't think he gets a lot of credit for that in our extended family. And I don't think it was always easy because he was up against some hard-headed folks, I can tell you. But he appreciated the help they gave while they were healthy enough to do so and then he returned the favor by helping Kandi care for them when they could no longer care for themselves. Certainly, there were pluses on both sides. Kandi and Javad had child care for their boys whenever they needed it and the boys got the extra attention and love that only grandparents (or those wonderful, dear friends who step in to act as such) can provide to children. When Mom and Dad could no longer care for themselves, became a danger to themselves, Kandi and Javad found a lovely place for them to live where they are well cared for. Kandi visits regularly and makes sure the care they get is the very best possible.

Now that my parents are nearing the end of their lives and my mom is actually dying, Javad supports Kandi through this transition that I wish I could be there to help her with. This experience will be hardest on her. She has been closest to them, lived with them ALWAYS, watched her children attach to them and has endured watching them fade from who they once where to the confused and sickly elderly people they now are. On my last visit, Javad quietly asked me to be sure I could get there when it happens, that Kandi would need me. And I promised to do so. I'm working all the hours I can so I can come to her without losing any pay from my job and I am beginning to build a savings account again so that I can afford to come and stay a little while to help her manage.

I am grateful for my faith which allows me to know that my parents will be in a place where they will feel no pain, can move freely, can watch over us here on earth and will see their infant son who was not able to take a single breath while on this earth. He waits for them to raise him in a heavenly home. I know my sister will be blessed for all she has done for them - all the difficult, heart-wrenching decisions she has had to make. She will be held most high for this prolonged and great sacrafice she has made. And so will Javad for never failing her in his support and the respect and kindness he offered them. I pray always for them to endure this well and to have the strength to carry on to the end. And I know they will.

So, to my sister and her husband, thank you for all you have done. It will not be forgotten - not by me and not by our parents when their minds are once again whole.

Losing Them

2011-02-28T19:21:00.002-07:00

Both my parents are in a nursing home - together, thankfully. But both suffer from dementia and speaking over the phone, because they live in Texas now, is difficult, at best. My dad can barely string a sentence together. In fact, it often consists of the simply phrase, "That's good, that thing, yeah." My mother is difficult to understand over the phone as she slurs her words from Parkinson's disease. Now she's bedridden, too, and barely taking any food. My sister's been told that soon she will not take any food and will just drink. Then she will just sip and eventually take nothing at all. It's just a matter of time.

On the one hand, this will be a blessing as my parents have little quality of life. On the other hand, we're talking about losing my parents, and despite the diffcult relationship growing up, it has been so much better as an adult. I already miss talking to my mom. When my marriage nearly ended, I didn't have her to talk to. With my daughter's new challenges, I cannot share them with her. She doesn't remember or understand, really. I just tell her everything is good for us all the time. I know what is best in my mind. Now if my heart could just move there with it.

Old Friends

2011-02-12T20:52:00.003-07:00

I just spent the last 2 & 1/2 hours reminiscing with my oldest, best friend on the phone tonight. We've been friends since we were fourteen years old and there are a lot of memories - fun, funny and not so wonderful. We were talking about our junior high school math teacher, Mr. Taylor, and how we tortured the poor man. One of the cowboys (I grew up in the sticks), after the teacher walked out of the room for a moment, climbed out the second floor window and was hanging on the ledge by his fingers. Mr. Taylor came in and asked where he was. The classes were small in my hometown of 3,000 back then. Suddenly, we heard a yell, a thump and then a groan as Bert slipped and landed on his back, knocking the wind out of himself. We all ran to the window cracking up. Of course, he was fine once he caught his breath.

Another student, Scotty, was really tiny. He was a willing participant as everyone liked him and no one would have been mean to him. We put him in the cabinet of an old china cabinet in the room which held books on the top shelves and nothing in the one cabinet on the bottom left. When Mr. Taylor returned to the room and asked where Scotty was, you could hear a quiet little voice saying, "Help me! Help me!" Needless to say, Mr. Taylor was not amused.

We didn't stop there with our torture of this poor man who was just trying to make a living and actually likely expected he would enjoy teaching children. Sadly, he got the wrong class with us. My best friend, Laurie, drew kissing lips on his wooden chair at his desk with lipstick (again while he stepped out of the room - you'd think he would learn and never leave us). Since it was the 70's and light brownish corduroy was actually in style, this act did not bode well for him. Ever faithful in his trust in us, believing we would get better, he never checked his seat before sitting down and walked around for a good part of the rest of the day with those lip marks on his backside. He never even felt the tacks she put there one day. Not stopping there, Laurie also once poked him in the butt when he was bent over helping someone, then when he turned to yell at her, she acted like she'd been looking away and didn't even realize what she'd done. Not that he fell for that.

As you can imagine, his frustration with us grew each passing, down-right hellish day he spent as our teacher. When he got angry, which was often, he would clap his hands and stomp one foot in rhythm while he yelled something like, "I'm sick and tired of the behavior in this class!" Our response, little darlings that we were? We clapped our hands and stomped our feet with him.

I don't know why he never turned us in to the principal. Maybe he was embarrassed that we were so awful in his class. Maybe he felt like it was his fault. Of course, it wasn't. We were just absolute terrors. If my daughter were to behave this way, she would never do so again because her punishment would be severe. Then again, my daughter NEVER WOULD behave this way. Thank goodness.

The last part of this story begins in my 9th grade year. I was forced, by my parents, to take Algebra. There were five of us in the class (yes, I said 5). Guess who the teacher was? He smiled as the others entered the room and when I did, his face visibly dropped. I quickly muttered, "Sorry about the last two year" and went to my seat. I behaved well and we ended up having a pretty good year. He helped me make it through that class, math-hater that I was (my daughter gets it honestly) and I remained respectful thereafter.

I just blame the rotten years on Laurie. (whispers) Don't tell her I said that.......

The Christmas Cardinal

2011-01-25T21:56:00.003-07:00

For quite a while now, Jay's been encouraging me to post my Christmas story that I wrote to go with a gift I gave. Though I love to write and am working on a teen novel, being unpublished to date makes me fickle about my talent. However, he gives me some great support. So, I'm following his advise (I'm sure he'll pass out when he reads that).

The Christmas Cardinal
My grandmother was always an avid bird watcher. The yard of her house and her entire porch was filled with bird feeders to attract them. She loved to tell about the beautiful cardinals that had been her favorite since she was a child in Illinois. However, after she and my grandfather married, he moved them to Wyoming and she hadn’t seen a cardinal in all the years she’d lived here. Still, she told my brothers and I about the male’s scarlet feathers and black masked faces. She explained their spectacular red color symbolized hope and was a reminder for us to focus on our faith, their plumage a representation of the blood of Christ shed for the redemption of mankind.

As a writer, she often told us stories she had created herself as if they were fact, so to this day I cannot say if this particular story was truth, legend or her own tale.

A young man chose to leave his home and set out to see the world. He traveled far and wide, learning about new cultures and environments, learning a number of languages and skills from different parts of the world. Wherever he went, he tried to find some common reminder of his homeland. After many years, he grew homesick and decided he would return to see his family. In those days, there were no cars or trains, no public transportation. One had to get from place to place on foot or, if he were lucky, a horse. But as he had amassed no great fortune, it was his fate to travel on foot. As he arrived within miles of his home, a great blizzard blew up and he could scarcely see his hand in front of his face. He thought he would never find the little cabin in the woods where he knew a warm fire and loved ones would be. He trudged on, growing more and more fatigued and hopeless with each passing moment. He thought he might try to build a shelter, but the force of the storm was so great, he was certain he would freeze to death should he stop for even a moment. As he felt the last bit of his strength wane, he caught a glimpse of red in the corner of his eye and looked to see a majestic cardinal flitting in the tree just before him.

“Lead me home, little bird,” he cried out and thought for certain the cardinal looked directly at him as it began to move forward, from branch to branch. “What have I got to lose?” he thought to himself and began to follow the bird. This went on for some time, his burden of exhaustion lifted by the familiar sight of a beloved creature from his homeland. But in time, his body simply began to give in to fatigue. Just as he once again began to give up all hope, the smell of a wood burning fire reached his nostrils. He tried in vain to see ahead, but the heavy snowfall was too thick. The bird continued forward and so did he, knowing now that if he were not close to his own home, he was surely close to someone’s and there he would find shelter. Soon, he was close enough to see a rough outline of a building, though too obscured by the snow to determine anything familiar about it. As he was about to step up on the small porch, the bird rested in a branch of a tree beside it and the door to the cabin swung open. Out stepped an old man and woman and he immediately recognized his own mother and father. The man fell into their arms and the family celebrated a long awaited reunion and a tearful Christmas Eve that night.

Last year, near this special holiday season, Grandmother passed away and although we still lived in a place where none of us had ever seen a cardinal, he came to her that very night and, my brother’s and I believe, led her home to her Heavenly Father.
The End

The ironic part of this story is that my sister-in-law mentioned that my own mother, as she lay in the hospital about to go to surgery, thought she saw a cardinal at her window (that no one else had seen). She was born and raised in Indiana where, indeed, there are cardinals and she is a bird lover. Now that she will be bedridden and both my parents journey toward the end of their lives, I guess a part of me hopes that when the time comes, her own cardinal will lead her home.

The Twilight/Mormon Connection

2011-01-22T23:57:00.003-07:00

Most movies don't really stick in my head - unless they are exceptional and those are rare. So I decided to order the two Twilight series movies I'd seen before and then the third one, which Rachel has seen but Jay and I hadn't. Thanks to Netflix, it was just a matter of time between each one. We watched the latest one last night. There is a scene where little psychotic Bella goes home to visit her mom in Florida. After a heart to heart talk between them (while, of course, stalker Edward listens and watches from inside) mom brings out a graduation gift for her. And here it is, the obvious Twilight/Mormon connection:

Mom has made a quilt for Bella out of all their old "trip" tee shirts!

How Molly Mormon is that? Oh yeah, an LDS woman definitely wrote these books.

Wii and the Serial Killers

2011-01-02T18:41:00.002-07:00

We bought a Wii last April. It was for me, something I wanted very much. I rarely spend that kind of money on myself. But I thought, what the heck! So we got one with our tax return. We created our lookalike Mii's but one day I decided to get creative and that's where our story of the serial killers begins:

I created Shankskill, a Mii who is very menacing - so much so that Rachel will say, "Mama, Shankskill is freaking me out! He's watching me play......" In response to her fear (because I am the best parent ever!), we decided Shankskill needed a family and so his wife, Killian, was created. Being a family man, we gave him Killbert and Killeen for kids and some sordid story about an affair with another Mii I created, Magnolia (who is married to Rocky - created by Jay), and their love child, Kylie (which Rachel created). The funny part is Rachel came up with the affair idea to give Shankskill a reason to kill. Just when I was going to start talking up the righteousness of playing Wii on the Sabbath, too. Bummer.

Adam Hurst Cello

2011-01-02T00:16:00.002-07:00

Love this!

This Man

2010-12-02T23:15:00.003-07:00

Seventeen years. That's how long I have been his. I like the ring of those years, the sound that number makes in my ears when I say it. I thought it would end at that number. But those little surprises have brought about changes that make me feel something in my heart again that I had covered over - as a way to protect it while things have been so diffcult.

Today was a tough day at work and on my way home, I called and talked, then cried to him. And he was the person he had been before. He soothed my soul and it had been a long time since he'd be willing...or maybe able...to do that. And he showed the tender heart I fell in love with all those years ago. Soon, he'll move back home to be with us. Probationary, as we learn to continue to communicate in a healthy way again, but home. I have missed this man that has shown himself again; the man I've missed for about five years. He'd been disappearing all that time and I was helpless to do anything to pull him back. Now, after this most difficult of times, he's come back on his own. And I am praying he stays - this good man I am seeing again.

Seeking Change

2010-11-26T18:52:00.003-07:00

I have asked someone close to me to change; to better themselves in a way that requires a great deal of soul-searching and humbling. I have asked them to do this as a condition to continue as a part of my life. But in the same breath, I have asked this of myself and thought long and hard about what might be my least....shall we say, attractive?....trait.

Though, as I have been known to repeat, I am not perfect, I do work toward that place despite the realization I will never reach it here on this earth. And because I carry a fragile urn of self-esteem, I try to focus less on the not so attractive and more on what I do have to offer in a positive light. You might say, "Bah! How can you improve yourself if you don't look at the negative parts?" And you have a point. I DO look at those - in my dark hours, when I am weary from day to day life and wanting to make it better for myself. After all, I know full well the secret that the only one I can ever correct and change is myself.

The first indication of what that important change must be was at a recent interview. The dreaded question, "What is one of your weaknesses?" was asked. Of course, that is not where your mind is when you're trying to convince someone you're the right choice for the job. But I had to think quickly and what came to mind was something along the lines of, "When I feel right, feel passionate about something, I think I can be a bit forceful in my opinion. Not that I don't listen to other's advise and their side of things, but I think I can come on a bit strong with my own opinion." After it came out of my mouth, I thought, "That is NOT what I want anyone to know about me. It's honest, but...Man!"

The second indication came today. There was a visitor in my home whom I have not exactly heard many positive comments about. I unfairly allowed that to rest in my mind. This person said something about how unfair and difficult it is to legally enter this country and I heard myself "forcefully" state that there are lots of people who come here legally all the time, learn our language and become successful citizens. Again, as soon as I said it - in the fashion I did - I felt remorse. This is not how I want to be perceived. This is not who I want to be and there was a time when I was not this way. I remember taking a backseat to siblings while they all went on and on about this and that and I just steered away from it. If I made comment, I simply stated my opinion and let it lie there, not caring if they disagreed. As a new mother, tender in my heart for the new life I'd helped create, I recall not minding if anyone listened to my opinion. I just did what I knew was right. But at some point over the years, I felt the need to fight for what knowledge I do possess and make sure it was heard by whomever I was speaking to at the moment.

I could analyze this and say it's because of this or that, but that won't bring me where I want to be. Instead, and I do know this will be extremely difficult to overcome, I will pray for help in changing that. I don't care that someone thinks they know more than I do. I really, really don't. Yes, it bothers me if they think I'm not very knowledgeable, but I can live with that. It's their problem, not mine. What I need to do is learn to put into practice the saying, "You get more with honey than vinegar". So this will be my trial toward change. This will be what I work to improve. And as I move toward independence and financial stability on my own two feet, I will move toward higher self-esteem and the time will come when I will view the person refusing to see my knowledge as the one suffering, the one lacking self-esteem and know that I have handled it with grace.

Surprised by.....Changes of the Heart

2010-11-26T10:38:00.005-07:00

Sunday, something happened that surprised me. Words were spoken that reflected a humbling I have never witnessed in him before. There was a certain sincerity I had come to believe no longer existed toward me. And the icy coating around my heart cracked here and there. I thought, "Might this be so? Am I seeing something I never anticipated?" It appeared I was seeing just that. I began to pray for help because I had been certain we would not be moving in the direction this experience was now turning me toward. I was....surprised.

I am by no means perfect. Very far from it, in fact. But I try to do my best and am ashamed when I fail those I love and those whose expectation are higher than I managed to reach at times. When that happens, I pray for strength to improve and do better. I think about how I could have handled things differently for a different, a better, outcome.

In my current job, I train people and one of the things I discuss is "positive outcome responses" or POR. At work, that means a response in which the outcome results in higher funding but it can only be obtained if the actions at the time are health related. Sometimes they simply are not and you can do nothing to change that. For instance, if you're assisting a student with something academic or you have a day off because you're sick or you only work four days a week, your response will not result in a POR. In life, a POR means something totally different. A POR means responding in a manner that helps heal, brings things to a peaceful result, lifts another's spirits, etc. But in both circumstances, there is no telling what the ultimate response will be. You cannot always determine how you will respond to a surprising behavior or hurtful words or festering anger. You cannot always put away your regret, your heartache or your displeasure. So we hope that the other party or parties involved can be patient and kind toward us; that they can forgive us without holding on to any negative feelings. If that person isn't in the right place, either, that likely won't happen.

So what do you do to move toward POR in your every day life? Well, I think I know. That's not the hard part. The hard part is putting away the negative feelings in a place where they can dissolve away - not fester to come rushing out as a volcano when things aren't what we desire them to be. Ah, then there's the rub. Or is it as simple as a prayer? I think it is. I believe that if I ask sincerely for help in melting away those negative feelings, I will be able to with His help.

What's not a surprise to me anymore is just how intricately my Heavenly Father intertwines in my life. Without my faith, without His and the Savior's abiding love, I cannot make things right; I cannot be whole. So there is where I will settle my heart and burdens for healing. And trust that the ultimate outcome is the right one and will come about on its own.

Sometimes, Music Speaks Right To Me

2010-11-21T19:36:00.001-07:00

Bob Marley - Three Little Birds - Pasted the words below, too.

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Losing Something

2010-11-20T16:58:00.004-07:00

I'm not sure, with all that has gone on, how much I've lost or if that loss is forever. After 17 years, I can't just close the door, despite that seeming to be the most likely scenario. My emotions go from one place to another. Right now, being sick, I'm in a tougher place where the tears are coming again after having none for a little over a week. I get the comfort I need from the right places - prayer, scriptures, church and my closest friends - but I also know no one can understand, really understand, how I feel. So in that regard, I am alone. Mixed in with all this is a big ball of hurt that I want to send away but can't. All I can do is continue to seek solace in my faith and with my close friends and then to give it time while I try to put my daughter and I in a place where we can be financially self sufficient. If there is one thing I cannot bare for long, it is to rely on others for financial assistance. I need to be able to do this on my own, so I am working hard at finding a better paying job with benefits. If you're reading, keep me in your prayers.

Who Decides?

2010-11-15T21:39:00.002-07:00

There is some speculation that someone other than myself decides what the future holds for me. Of course, that's not true because the "no thanks" is the decision that counts; the one that's the actual decision to be made. The "we'll make it" isn't really a decision at all - it's a gamble. And not a very attractive one right now. I don't know if it ever will be again but I'm leaning to the "no thanks" more than I ever imagined I would. In fact, I'm standing in that circle at the moment.

I was always taught that when you do something wrong, you humble yourself and ask for forgiveness. And humbling means you step back from your own pride, your own feelings, any expectation of how others might react and basically take your licks. That seems right. It feels right and it's how I've always managed things. It's how almost everyone I know manages things. But I have come to realize that's not the case for everyone. And it's actually a surprise to me. "Foolish girl," says the voiceover in my head in a very sinister tone. But I like to think the best of people, even when they continually fail that position.

My future looks far different from what I imagined just a few years ago. But the thing is, it feels right to go in this direction. To have peacefulness in my home, to not feel on edge - constantly watching my words and taking jabs that I don't even know if the other person is aware of making. Probably not. It's nice to laugh EVERY day. It's nice to feel like my home is a santcuary, not just the next set of stressors.

So, I am looking at a different future and I am preparing the one I most love, the one most dear to my heart, for that transition. Prayer, scriptures, attending church, having family home evening. Those are my strongholds. That's what will make it so we can move forward to a better future - with or without. It's up to me to choose. No one else can.

A Long, Long Road

2010-11-14T15:12:00.002-07:00

Sometimes a path is so long that the end is not in sight. And sometimes that inability to see makes it impossible to determine what actions you should choose, especially when your actions depend on another's efforts. The one thing I know for sure is that I can change myself. I can do my best and change my thinking and improve my lot in life by my own actions. These are steps I am already taking. My power statement is: I wait for no one.

I will go on alone to this place for myself and it is up to others to follow me if they choose. If they can.

All this tumult stirring around in a huge pot was added to last night. My anchor of, "at least this will never be an issue,", although something I had begun to greatly doubt, crashed last night. Can I recover? Yes, with prayer, scriptures and time. Can I forgive? Yes, again, with prayer, scriptures and time. Do I want to pursue reconciliation? That is what I cannot answer. That is what depends entirely on another. And those requirements are steep and firm. But time must be allowed to pass and decisions by another must be reached. I will not, can not, make a decision on what I will do until then. And so I will not.

Whatever my future holds, it will be in the palm of the Savior with His arms firmly wrapped around my heart to give me peace and to help me find happiness with His help.

The Ache Today

2010-11-09T18:53:00.002-07:00

Sorrow gives us pause to be grateful. That seems strange in so many ways, but true, too. I am on auto pilot, attending to what I must with work and home as best I can. But tonight I had a few moments of not being so exhausted I fell asleep the moment I sat down at home and I had nothing pressing to do. And I felt the ache creep up into my heart almost immediately.

It's snowing like crazy outside and I'm afraid tomorrow will end up being a snow day and I will be stuck here at home all day long. On the other side, I would be able to clean and get my resume and applications all done in a single day. If I stay busy, I'm coping.

I did not see this future when I was young and dreamed of life as a wife and mother. I did not imagine this pain as a part of it. I did not think there would be such uncertainty. I feel such a need to 'know' - know the future, know the plans, know what's been done so far, know what I will have to do to endure this without being a burden and with a light enough heart to shore up my child. But I cannot call. I cannot follow up. I cannot do anything but wait for word from others as to what is being done and when I need to do something.

My Bishop counsels me not to think too far ahead. I'm a planner, so that is no easy task. But how can I plan when I have no idea of what is going on elsewhere? How can I plan when everything is so frightening and confusing? How can I plan when there is nothing there to see because of uncertainty? And that's a hard place for someone who plans and looks far into the future like me.

So what now? I have only one recourse. I must pray and wait, trust and build my faith, accept His will, knowing that regardless of how I feel or what I want, he will guide me toward what is best and, if I listen well, the course will be tolerable and I will survive, as will my child, regardless of the ending.

Katherine Hepburn said: You learn in life that the only person you can correct and change is yourself.

So this is the path I am choosing. To become better than I have been. To be a better mother, a better daughter of God, a better earthly daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better employee. This I can choose. This I can change. This is within my control and in my future. This I CAN plan.

A Letter To Myself

2010-11-06T22:44:00.004-06:00

No one really reads this blog these days - mostly because I hardly ever post and I'm not exactly entertaining. That's okay. I first started blogging back around....2001? I believe, when I needed an outlet for my emotions that I had to keep locked up so frequently. It helped. And along the way, it let me exercise my writing skills. But right now, I need to just write - without concern of who will read and without concern of what I need to say. I just need to let go. If you do happen to pop on here and think what's below is too much for you, too personal or leaves you too mystified, that's okay. I'm not really spelling much out because it all came down the pike just today and I don't know what the future holds and I've not had enough time to sort things out in my mind or my heart. But here goes.

Today, November 6, 2010, will be burned into my mind for a long time. Maybe forever. It will contain heartbreak, especially my heartbreak for my daughter's terror and sadness. It will contain many, many tears from both of us, but especially from me. It will contain a great deal of thankfulness to friends who came in droves and called to help, support, and give us TLC when we most needed it. But saddest and most surprising of all to me at the moment, is that it will/does contain some relief. I hadn't realized how much stress and trauma was upon my shoulders; upon my soul. Hadn't realized how much I was putting in to it, working so hard to do it right. Because I couldn't get it right. It was never right whether I talked softly, talked lots, held my tongue - talking none at all, cried, screamed, said things I regret or pleaded. It's difficult to realize you can't ever get something right when you finally see that's the case. When you see you're swimming upstream and all it's accomplished is that you're exhausted in your heart and body from the effort. When you finally see it isn't what you're doing wrong or what you're not doing; that it just wouldn't have mattered at all no matter what you did. But I get it now. I see this truth I guess I've denied myself because I wanted to be able to fix things - things I don't have the power to fix and never did.

I am grateful for good friends, loving family, and most of all, being held in the arms of the Comforter when you just feel undone. Thank goodness for my faith. Thank goodness for Heavenly Father's loving guidence. Thank goodness for an understanding of His great love and His desire for us to overcome what hardships we must endure here and find the joy in life. It may not feel like it right now, but I know it will be okay.

Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson

2010-10-28T14:14:00.002-06:00

Lacking Respect?

2010-10-25T16:06:00.002-06:00

You hear it all the time - teens have no respect for their elders. They don't know how to behave or be polite. Middle school aged kids are the worst. And I used to believe that. But here's the thing - I work at a middle school. Every morning, if there are student's entering at the same time I am, the door is held for me while I walk in. Every morning, at least one of them says, "good morning" to me.

In our own, new neighborhood, I often take our dog out to "do her business" while it's still dark. On several different mornings, different high school aged kids are passing. They say good morning to me. One young man was walking toward us to pass and my dog ran up to him, barking a bit. I quickly explained she would not hurt him, just smell him. His response?

"No problem, ma'am. I'll just let her sniff me. I like dogs." Then, as he passed by and we began to head back into the house, "Have a nice day, ma'am."

I think I've been hit with some respect from the very crowd accused of lacking it. I hope I'm not the only one because it speaks volumes to me and maybe it will change the way some of them are viewed. Keep up the good work, "young adults" (you deserve that title).

Stranger

2010-10-06T17:43:00.002-06:00

It's been a long time since I popped in here. Moving was an overwhelming task as we went from a home we'd lived in for fifteen years to an apartment, losing about 500 square feet of space. A month later, we're pretty much settled. It looks....and feels like home.

A Facebook Political Conversation

2010-08-27T19:18:00.005-06:00

This is long and it's one of my rare political posts, but read on if you can stand to.

Someone I know posted this:

Without using other's names, here's what came from it:

Man Who Responded: It is sad that people listen to this kind of bigotry. What happened to freedom of religion? Islam didn't attack on 9/11, some radical Muslims did. Did Christianity attack the Oklahoma City building? No, a radical Christian. Using this logic, no Christian churches should be built in OK City!

Woman Who Posted It: You can be as liberal as you want Bill, but the reality of this mosque is that most American's feel the people building the mosque are sending us a message loud and clear. "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Great Mosque of Córdoba, any part of this name sound familiar? Maybe you should read the history on this mosque. Sometimes we bend so much for other cultures that we forget to honor ours

Man Again: And I suggest that you read the 11th Article of Faith. I don't see any exceptions. ***For non-LDS readers, this is one of 13 Articles of Faith our church teaches***

Woman Who Posted It: No one is saying they can't build the mosque, that's not the argument, it's the location of where many lost their lives. I'm not in the decision making process so my Article 11 is intact. Some of our temples original locations have been moved due to unfavorable reactions to local residents/communities(i.e. Denver Temple). If we followed Article 11 to the letter, we would have built the temples no matter what anyone thought.

Man Again: Again, Islam didn't attack on 9/11 any more than Christianity bombed the OK City Federal building.

Woman Who Posted It: So does that mean Christian's aren't responsible for the Crusades? Well, if Mormons can move their temples when faced with adversity, why can't the Muslims?

Man Again: The Crusades were sponsored by the Catholic Church, so yes, they are responsible for them. Mormons should be able to build their temples wherever they can legally build them. That building was approved and followed all the laws to get that way.

Woman Who Posted It: Don't you just love Freedom of Speech Bill --- Luv ya!

Then She Posts Again: Okay, so the Catholic Church is responsible for the Crusades, however, all of Christianity (even those killed by the Catholics) has had to bear the discrimination of the Crusades. How often do you hear, "More wars have been caused in the n...ame of christianity". Same with the Mormons, we are judged by the splinter sects of the LDS church who practice poligamy. People's perceptions are a reality, even if it is not true. Thus, Moslems are judged by their extreme Jihad who attacked on 9/ll. Sad, but unfortuntately, true. The mosque being close to the site reminds them of the Moslems who killed their loved ones. It causes an sadness in their hearts. Their loss should be respected.

Man Again: So, if other people were wrong, it is okay for you to be wrong?
Try some extra reading of the "other side":
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/video/2010/08/20/VI2010082002893.html?hpid=artslot

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/co...ntent/article/2010/08/19/AR2010081903292.html

http://daryllang.com/blog/4421

http://www.newser.com/story/98802/stewart-fight-terror-stop-watching-fox.html

After you have read/watched all of them, take some time to think before you react.

And He Posts Again: Oh, and here is the one I wanted to show you, but I couldn't find it before:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/18/liz-cheneys-keep-america-_n_686697.html

So, at this point, I feel bad for my friend who was just doing what is EVERYONE'S right and posting her opinion. She wasn't trying to incite anything, just say her peace. So I thought I'd respond in a very....non-position taking position. Meh. Here is what I said and the ensuing conversation:

ME (notice how I put my indicator in all caps - because I'm all that....joking): I think it comes down to actions of tolerance. Despite what is often stated about Americans, we show an awful lot of that. Maybe it's someone elses turn. Something awful happened at that location, carried out by extremists, but Islamics,... nonetheless. So why wouldn't the Muslims wanting to build there just say, "Okay, we don't want to offend anyone or upset people who suffered immeasurable losses. We'll build elsewhere in a show of compassion, tolerance and understanding"? People who have thought less of them might change their opinions somewhat and people who think highly of them might think even more highly of them. And a show of tolerance on the other side shines through. I guess I really can see both sides here but as our own LDS faith has done, it's not so tough to give up a spot for the sake of peace, is it? Building there might just set them up for retribution. Why put your worshippers and your building in that position? I just think it would be better for them to move their location.

Man Again: If the Muslims want to change the location, that would be their decision, but we should not expect/demand that they do. They applied for a permit and it was granted.

From their side, they have been experiencing a lot of bigotry and hate tha...t they don't believe they deserve, and this is just another example of how many (most?) Americans are prejudiced against them.

What I find sad is that so many LDS (who should IMHO be on the side of the oppressed) are showing bigotry instead of tolerance.

These kinds of issues are helping to recruit other terrorists because they "prove" that American hate Muslims / Arabs / etc. They are also creating a more dangerous situation for our troops overseas. It used to be that America was the "gold standard" of values, but sadly that is no longer the case.

ME: Not an expectation, just a thought. And no bigotry here. I have extended family in Iran - of Iranian ancestry. My own nephews are Iranian and the Europian melting pot of the other side of their family. And I don't believe MOST Americans... are prejudiced against Muslims. I think you just hear that side because to most of us, it's a bit appalling that some people still think in that way. Bigotry is born of ignorance. Sometimes it's just a matter of helping them see differently. It's been done before.

And let's be honest - it doesn't require a single action on any American's part to create terrorists. It's the garbage they are taught by people who ought to know better. People with "other" agendas.

I think the greater disintegration of America's standing overseas has a lot more to do with our "political" dealings there than anything American citizens are saying here - or ever have said.

Man Again: I didn't say you were bigoted, nor did I say that most Americans are. However, from what Muslims have seen, I'm guessing they believe that most are.

And, of course, to not take sides *is* to take sides. :-( There are many who don't want to... be involved. Not just with this, but with other situations as well.

ME: My error. I mistook your comment: and this is just another example of how many (most?) Americans are prejudiced against them.....as meaning you thought many or most American's are prejudiced. Not a lot of time/room to express ourselves ...fully.

Just so you know, the Muslims I know don't think most American's are prejudiced against them. They think it's politics and extremists. People are people, regardless of their beliefs.

And forgive me if I'm reading things wrong again, but is it just an aside that you say: And, of course, to not take sides *is* to take sides. :-( There are many who don't want to... be involved. Not just with this, but with other situations as well.....Just curious.

Man Again: I am glad that most of the Muslims you know realize that much of the "hatred/bigotry" are politically motivated. I am concerned, however, that Muslims overseas don't have that insight. They see the demonstrations and told that is "proof" ...that Americans are against Islam. IMHO, that is part of the agenda of those who are spreading the flames. Increased conflicts generates increased revenues for the military/industrial complex.

Back in the '60s, there was a saying "To not decide is to decide." While many of us were demonstrating about things like equal rights, etc. those who didn't take sides were (in our opinion) helping the status quo suppress the rights of the people. I did a play on that saying by stating to not take sides is to take sides - they are allowing the status quo resist pressures from activists. It is actually much worse than it was in the 60's. Back then people tried to dismiss the claims, but now they are actively spreading falsehoods about the situation.

See:
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/25/building-a-nation-of-know-nothings/

ME: As far as what Muslims overseas see - we will never be able to show them anything positive because those who control them and have the motivation to insight them to hatred will always make sure they see nothing good. The best advertisement... we have for who and what American's are is our soldiers who treat the 'regular' people in foreign lands with respect and dignity (by regular, I mean those who are not insurgents or terrorists). And oh YES they do. How often, if you look, can you see footage of a soldier talking to Iraqi or Afgan children, giving them candy, passing out soccer balls, helping the injured or just helping people in general? It is there for all to view if they so choose. When you decide to look at nothing but the negative - you will get just want you want.

It has always bothered me when people sight articles by liberal or conservative commentators and use them as fact. What a bunch of bull! Where are the facts! Where is the proof to their allegations. I can tell you they are nowhere because they are opinions, not statements of facts. I mean, come on. Let's take the most uneducated, probably bigoted person in every way - not just against Muslims - and use their statement as an example of how Republicans think. Oh, please! That's like saying a third of Democrats can be described as baby killers because many tend to be pro-abortion. It's simply ridiculous.

And if someone questions something about Obama's character, suck it up! Every president has had to. If they question your citizenship, produce the birth certificate. What's the big deal? Because not doing so starts those very concerns.....what is he trying to hide? What is he up to? If politicians were as good at being honest and forthcoming as they are at lying and hiding their actions from American citizens, we'd have a brave new world on our hands. Politicians actually representing ALL the people. What a concept!

I don't mean to come off brash or rude. I truly don't. But it's clear that you have a different opinon than Lynn and at least a slightly different opinion than my own. It's not about who follows the teachings of the church by more pure of heart or about who understands better what's really going on in the world around us. It's who we are as people - as individuals. Do you show respect and tolerence in your daily life? Do you try to exemplify Christ in your actions? Are you doing the best you can in a world filled with frightening things, knowing full well it is Satan's utmost desire to take us from the teachings we know to be true? Then no big deal if this one issues is upsetting to you. And more power to you if it is not.

Oops - I should have spelled incite, not insight. Ha

Man Again: Very good points.

BTW - Obama has produced his birth certificate, but predictability they still choose to question whether or not it is valid. (I am hoping that is what you are referring to instead of the Arizona immigration laws.)

http://ww...w.snopes.com/politics/obama/birthcertificate.asp

Unfortunately, the US soldiers didn't start out treating people with respect, and also unfortunately there have been several serious attacks on the wrong targets. Each time something like that happens, it helps to recruit more terrorists.

BTW - one of my favorite singer/songwriters is a Canadian named Bruce Cockburn, who went to Baghdad on a fact-finding mission. He told me that Iraqis liked to look a person in the eye, but the US soldiers all (or mostly all) wear those reflective sunglasses, and it makes them nervous / uncomfortable.

http://www.foei.org/en/who-we-are/focus/cockburn2.html

Have you read "Three Cups of Tea"? It is a great book and gives some good examples of how we can improve the image of the US in Arab countries. It also points out some of our failings as well.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Cups_of_Tea

No, Lynn and I see things very differently. But it really doesn't matter in the long term. As you can probably tell, I'm a bleeding heart liberal, and when I was Elder's Quorum President, my second counselor was an active member of the Birch John Society. We didn't agree on politics, but we had no problem getting along and working together.
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Just thought I'd post this out there because the last part really says a lot about how I feel. Whatever your beleif, you can only control you. And there is nothing we can do about what terrorist nations are teaching their people.

After posting this, there were a few more back and forths. Here they are:

Woman Who Posted It: Sorry I missed all this until now, I have been busy the last two days planning and cooking all night for a funeral luncheon for a Muslim.

ME: Hahahaha, Lynn! I know you're being serious, but how funny is that at the base of this conversation?

ME Again: So Bill, back to your last response. I was aware he produced his birth certificate and instead, I think the birth certificate issue was because it took so long - not that he never produced it. It made people suspicious. Some people heard... the final outcome and some didn't. Again, it depends on what you're looking for - truth or a way to justify your personal beliefs.

On your friend, Mr. Cockburn, well, if you're out to see the horrors of what American's have done to a foreign country, that's going to be your report. If you want to blame the U.S. for "not doing anything" about the poverty - take a number. Who doesn't want the U.S. to resolve all their issues at our cost so they don't have to. Hate to remind you, but we're talking about an oil rich nation. Where is THEIR money and THEIR leadership helping the homeless and those in need of care? Ah, that's right - they're waiting for the U.S. to strap themselves financially even more to rescue them so their politicians and other leaders can bathe in gold coins. Reminds me of, "Let them eat cake".

But I also want to remind you, a family member of mine lived in Iran, fought in the Iran/Iraq war, and those cities were already damaged by the wars that took place between them and civil unrest. It was already in a shambles in many areas. American's didn't go in and do all that, bombing indiscriminately. Yes, they did bomb and yes, they did some damage and yes, sadly, there were a few mistakes - but that is always the way of war. To blame the entire condition of a country that has continued to go to war with it's neighboring nations over and over again is a little bit naive. And to say: the US soldiers all (or mostly all) wear those reflective sunglasses, and it makes them nervous / uncomfortable... Well, just how far can you bash your fellow Americans for their many imperfections (he without sin cast the first stone). I suppose those soldiers should have immediately acclimated to the blaring heat and sun and not used any kind of protective eyewear??? I suppose you think they do it on purpose - to intentionally make the Iraqi people feel uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong - I like to look a person in the eye, too, but I'm not uncomfortable or intimidated when they have sunglasses on because, well, it's sunny out. Just how many piddly things can there be? Plenty, I'm sure. But that goes both ways.

Last, on Three Cups of Tea: Wonderful!! What a great man to have taken the initiative to reach out and help the people in that country. What a generous, gracious thing to do. And I noticed the focus was schooling girls - in a country that denies women education. Hmmmm, was he making the men there "nervous/uncomfortable"? Maybe. Who knows. His purpose was to go in and do what he thought was right - despite how others may have felt about it. Where is his condemnation? That's right - he doesn't deserve it and neither do our soldiers because they wear shades in that blaring sunlight.

Don't rely on liberal muddle to speak your heart for you. Figure that out for yourself. I could easily match your links with conservative ones, but why would I when what's in my heart actually completely speaks for me.

Good for you putting aside your differing political views in the face of harmony. Now that's what we're all about, right? **And just for the record, a member of the John Birch Society makes me a little uncomfortable - but that's his right, shades or no.**

This conversation continues and, obviously, I can't keep adding our statements on here because he's just not going to stop and I'm getting ticked off about his condescending comments about military people (a protester in the 60's, so we know his views). But I'll add just a bit more.

Man Again: Kerri - I think you are reading more into what Bruce said than he meant. He is usually fair and balanced (really, not like Fox ;^) in his criticism. For example, when some police in a poverty country (don't remember - S. America I think) ...threatened to break all his fingers if he didn't pay them a bribe. What happened in this case was that the cab driver yelled at the police for asking too much. All Bruce had was a $100 bill which he was going to give them, but the cabbie took up a collection from the locals to pay the bribe. Bruce explained that many of the police hadn't been paid in a long time and that is how they supported their families.

The sunglasses issue was an example he told to me. He was there for a week or so and found that out, while US soldiers either never figured it out or didn't care. You can wear non-reflective sunglasses or just take them of when you are talking to people.

Another example he told me during our conversation was that there was a huge pile of explosives and weapons. Each day the pile kept getting smaller, and people would tell the US soldiers but they didn't bother guarding or moving the pile. Eventually everything was gone.

In more than one case, people were at first happy to have the US there, but then when they were mistreated support faded.

Go back and read that article again. I think you will find it more balanced than your first impression. Better yet, show it to your friends with experience in Iraq and see what they think.

For example:
"The US soldiers seemed to be doing their best to be civil and respectful, but they had no idea how to do this. At one point we were caught in the middle of a demonstration of chanting and singing people, and the soldiers yelled "clear the road" but of course nobody responded. So they shouted louder, and started pushing people. They are just not trained to deal with people in socially acceptable terms."

ME: Read it once, read it twice. I'm relatively intelligent and can usually comprehend something the first time around. There are, of course, exceptions. It's late, I'm getting old, I lean right. I really can't even comment on the situation with the police in a South American country - that just seems like a bounce around from the discussion (my ultra-conservative husband says that's a liberal ring around the issue tactic - ;p).

As for the sunglasses - reflective or not, you can't look someone in the eye when they have them on if they have any darkness to them at all. I thought the issue was not being able to look them in the eye. Guess it's having to look at themselves.

Maybe the expolsives and weapons were being depleted by soldiers, not terrorists. Seems pretty unlikely these American soldiers would blow off word that someone was stealing weapons that would be turned against them. Draw a target, eh? Did he talk to the soldiers about it? I doubt it. I'm sure the response is that they wouldn't talk to him. Okay. But I can't buy that they let this stuff disappear knowing full well if that were happening, it could mean their lives. They are not on suicide missions. Some stuff is just logical as to whether or not it's true.

I continue to hear reports from Iraqi's that they are grateful to have the American soldiers there - both in news reports and through the grapevine. Of course, there are always those who oppose the U.S. being anywhere - including our own homeland. That's just the way of the world.

Protesting in the 60's, explaing how ignorant our soldiers are, pretty condemning of our current military presence in the Middle East - sounds like an anti-military person to me. My father served in the Army for 23 years. He fought in Korea and Vietnam. He came home shot in the leg on his last tour. War sucks - but it's a fact of life, a fact of the world. Greed, politics, hatred, bigotry. It's going to happen. Had it not been for our military, Hitler would have killed many, many more Jews. Had it not been for our military, slavery would still exist as it once did (not that it doesn't continue in other countries and even in black markets here - but not as it once did, thank God). If not for our military, our borders would have been overrun long ago by power-hungry dictators or those with enough military power to take us out. You may not like what military people do, but they have served this country with sacrifices the likes of you or I will most likely never know. And they do it for love of country, because it's their job and because they are asked to. These soldiers, many of them young men in their late teens and early 20's, aren't idiots. Your example stating, "they are just not trained to deal with people in socially acceptable terms" is pretty insulting and not very honest. They are trained for these jobs and not just in how to engage in combat. But you go ahead and say whatever about them. And when one lays down his life to protect your family directly, you can tell him you're sorry because if you aren't, you should take a long, hard look at yourself.

The Next Step

2010-08-17T21:42:00.002-06:00

I think losing this house after fifteen years of living here has taken me through a short journey of grieving.

At first I felt shock and denial. Maybe there was a way to avoid this, to fix it. We simply couldn't lose this place after all these years, all these memories. I cried every single night in the shower and until I fell asleep, frantically trying to hide it from my daughter to spare her any fear or worry.

After that, the pain and guilt came. We are losing it and it felt as though our memories built here were being torn from my chest. I thought of all the things I would be "leaving" behind. I felt guilty we hadn't done a better job protecting our future, protecting our level of solvency. I felt guilty I was making my daughter leave the only home she had ever known.

Then the anger and bargaining began. How dare they (the mortgage company) not work with us when, until this disaster hit, we'd always been reliable, responsible homeowners. How dare they steal away our home without a backward glance, without trying to help us save it when there is all that stimulus money (OUR tax dollars) for them to pocket. Maybe if we talked to them. Maybe if we reasoned with them.

Next, the depression hit. I felt alone in my sadness, abandoned. All I could think of were the "memories" and how they would be left behind (irrational, I know). I thought of how Rachel's measurements mark one wall over the years, how life would be irretrievable different now. How we would leave this little neighborhood and never come back. Crying was my most frequent action once again.

The upward turn came after that. What a welcome relief. Okay, maybe it wasn't such a bad thing we were going through after all. Maybe a fresh, new start was just what we needed. Maybe letting someone else worry about repairs in a rental wouldn't be so hard to accept. It would open doors in the future for where we live when we retire, what we do.

Now I'm at the functioning level - working through it all. We faced facts and found a new place to live, found boxes (thanks Judy!!), found things we could live with out and made decisions that will make moving better for us. We're actually packing now!

Acceptance and Hope. It is what it is. I look at the future in a new place, a place we will rent, with hope and anticipation, seeking out the positives. We are lucky to remain in our same ward so we don't have to leave our church family. We are lucky to be in the same school district, the same school, even. We are lucky to only be about four blocks further west than we have been for 15 years. We will be all right. This is what the Lord has in store for us and it will be better than what we have had these last couple of years.

Those steps moved through, I now just I want to move past all the packing and then unpacking in our new home. I look forward to settling in and getting into a routine. And everything will be okay. I know it. With a little help from my good friends.......

Moving

2010-08-06T22:33:00.004-06:00

It is not an easy thing, this journey of change. It is not without heavy heart, yet also with relief. There is regret and sorrow, excitement and anticipation.

We learned a few days ago we are losing our house after a battle of good faith on our part lasting a year now. We have lived in this house for fifteen years. I carried my daughter in my arms through its door two days after her birth. Her measurements are on the wall beside the front room closet door as she's grown over the years. It was our first owned home together and may be our last - depending on the future. It's where we have watched the world change, our child mature, our marriage wan and strengthen. It is the place we have entered as a refuge from the outside world every day. It was ours.

Tomorrow, our girl gets home from Girl's Camp and we will tell her where her new home will be. She'll spend some time at a good friend's house this next week who had to make a move, though with much more change in her life, just a couple of years ago. She will help her through it. Of course, they are so resilient, these precious spirits we are allowed to borrow from Heavenly Father for a time on this earth. Her faith and courage and inner strength will get her through this (with a little help from her friends).

We will be downsizing by just under 500 square feet. We must sell some furniture, have another yard sale, hope that my brother will store a couple of sentimental items that I'd hoped my daughter could pass on to her own children one day. We will go through books and old movies to sell. There is so much to be considered, so many decisions to be made, some sacrafices. But in the end, we will stay together as a family. We will put our things in our new home and make it our own. In the end, everything will be alright.

Time Doesn't Turn Back

2010-06-19T20:55:00.003-06:00

My daughter and I drove to Houston, TX where my sister and her family lives, along with both my parents who are now in a nursing home. I felt a need to get down there to see them. One or the other of them is in the hospital so frequently that I worry about the future. And although I speak to them on the phone regularly, I was a bit shocked when I arrived to see them.

We arrived late in the afternoon to my sister's and having driven the whole way on my own (with a stop at a motel one night), I was exhausted. We mostly relaxed and were happy to be out of the stifling humidity - can you say sauna? I'm not exaggerating, either. It was misty with humidity and heat. You sweat the moment you step outside and can't dry off after a shower. Rachel broke out in a heat rash that, now that we are home, is finally almost gone. She even got sick from dehydration because it's so wet, you don't realize you're thirsty. I don't know how they live in what my husband refers to as "the armpit of America". The next day, my nephew gave me his GPS and my brother-in-law input the address for me so I could get to my parent's nursing home. Dad wasn't there as he's been in the hospital. My younger nephew went with Rachel and I. We knocked, opened the door and there sat my very frail, wheelchair-bound mother with the phone she could not figure out how to dial in her lap. It was all I could do not to start crying right there. It has been three years since I last saw her and she has aged and looks so weak and small. Her hair is all white, like my grandmother's was. I hugged and kissed her and put the phone down on the table for her. We pulled chairs around her, Rachel and I holding her hands and started to talk. Mostly, she talked and I listened, knowing that what she was saying had jumbled stories in it, confusion of people and things she had hallucinated about. But I listened and nodded and said, "Really?" in all the right places. It was the same voice she has always had and I allowed its sound to sear into my mind. This was my mother. We stayed for several hours before the kids were clearly bored out of their minds. We meet some of her "friends" when we took her down for her dinner. We listened to her some more. After getting her back to her room, we left and I headed back to my sister's, really not able, emotionally, to stop in to see my dad this same day.

The next day, my brother, Kim, flew in and he and I went to see my mom and took her over to see my dad. This is no small feat. She cannot walk at all. We told her if she could stand and pivot so we could get her into the car, we could take her. And she did it.

They have been married for more than 63 years now. They met at 15 years of age and have been together since. They are attached in a way that makes separation very difficult and heart-wrenching for them.

I walked into Dad's room first. He was in his hospital bed, watching some kid's station on TV.

"Hi, Daddy," I said. He looked surprised and a big grin formed on his face. I took his hand, kissed him.

"What are you doing down here?" he asks. I feel a flood of relief. He knows who I am, something he didn't know for the first 15 minutes when I saw him three years ago when he was in Colorado to visit and they stayed with my brother, Kevin.

"I came to see you! And Mom. And guess what? I have someone else here with me who wants to see you." I step out of the way and Kim wheels my mother up to his bed. They have already locked eyes. They both tear up. There is no one else in the room for them. Just the two of them. I watch them speak softly to each other, sweet words that I hold in my heart to hear them say to each other.

I love you, I miss you so much, I've been looking for you everywhere - they say to each other. In their dementia-infested minds, being away from each other means they must search for each other. Then more - "I'll never let them separate us like this again." "No, Darlin', neither will I," he tells her. My brother and I watch, look at the TV, look at the watery eyes we each are trying to control. After some time, they talk to us a little. We "catch up" as best we can. We stay like this for four hours - my mother and father holding hands the entire time, looking into each other's eyes off and on and saying "I love you" and all of us talking some. My sister, her husband and boys and my daughter all arrive. We visit longer but then it is time to take my mother back to the nursing home. Away from him. It seems so cruel and yet necessary. They cannot reach each other to kiss, so they kiss each other's hands. My brother goes to my dad and holds his hand, kisses him and breaks down, keeping his head down for a long time. Dad is tired and he's dozing, so he doesn't really notice. I do. My mother does, too. We've seen my dad in the hospital far too often. The same thought runs through all of our minds, "How long will we have him? How long will my mother be able to bare it without him when he's gone?" It's my turn now. I think, I'll not cry. I'll hold it in until I'm back at Kandi's house and I can go into the bathroom and just let it out. But that doesn't happen. I kiss him again, holding his hand. I tell him I love him and for him to get well so he can be with Mom soon. He says he will. And he's improving, so I know it's true. We leave and get Mom settled back in her little one room apartment. My brother drives me back to my sister's and has to catch a flight back home for work. Recently, home has been Louisiana. We say our good-byes and the brother I haven't seen in about a year and a half leaves. I have my cry and then pull myself together.

My dad got out of the hospital the day before we left to come home but he didn't go back to the nursing home yet. He's in the rehab center, hopefully being released on Sunday to go back to my mother. The hard part is my parents don't get to see each other normally when one of them is in the hospital. Because neither of them walks, neither can really help move themselves from wheelchair to car. You have to lift them. My brother-in-law has serious back problems, caused by injuries he suffered as a soldier during the war in his country. My sister has very bad knees and a back problem (runs in the family). I couldn't take Mom on my own because of my own back problems, either. My brother, Kim, couldn't alone because he needs knee surgery and it could cause major damage lifting someone else. My brother, Kevin, had been down to visit with his family about a week before us. Despite a knee replacement and his own back issues, he was able, with difficulty, to get my mother there, but she is dead weight when she gets up. So until he is home from the rehab, they won't see each other again.

I did see both my parents, alone, for tearful good-byes before we left. My mom worries about me because of our financial situation with my husband's career ending health problems (though she's been told very little). My dad was just surprised when he asked when we'd come back and I told him probably not until next summer. I told him I love him and he said, "And I love my daugther, too". That....will stay with me.

Getting a Bad Rap

2010-06-03T20:02:00.001-06:00

Israel gets a bad rap. In fact, throughout history, the Jewish people have been getting a bad rap all over the world. Not to mention appalling treatment. And now, the country that was once their ally, has turned their backs on them, too. Ah, Obamaland.

The latest is the situation with the so called "humanitarian" ship IHH, a Turkish based group, that has arisen. Watching NBC national news tonight, I saw nothing about what happened to the Israeli soldiers whose job it is to keep terrorist supporting groups out of the area. But here is the clip shown on CNN and FOX:

These are peaceful, humanitarians?!?!?!?!? What part of beating men with metal pipes and chairs and then throwing one off the ship (who has suffered permanent brain damage from the event, by the way) reads "peaceful" or "humanitarian" to you? Seriously? Are you blind?

Here are some facts for you:

Cypress refused to allow the IHH (or the Free Gaza ship), allegedly carrying humanitarian help, to dock in their country because of their "terrorist group connections". The French and Danish also have intelligence of their connection with (ie: THEY ARE) terrorists. So when Israel, in self defense and as a regular practice accepted by all the other ships that come in, tell them they need to board the ship and search for weapons, they are attacked. The Israeli's, to PROTECT themselves, shoot to stop the violence. And it works. Had the Israeli's boarded with metal pipes and chairs, I'm sure the IHH people on board would simply have been beaten, just the way they were beating the Israeli's. But, neither here nor there.

So what do you have to hide that incites you to beat these Israeli's if you are, indeed, humanitarian aide?

Well, now that's the million dollar question, isn't it?

Can you say Terrorist?

Since when does the U.S. condemn another country for protecting themselves from the constant and consistent terrorist attacks they suffer? Oh yeah, when Obamaland became our mantra. America? What have we become? In a word, Socialists. And I don't care who you are, that's not good for anyone.

Look around. FOX News, CNN News, Glen Beck, a Danish research institute (Danish Institute for International Studies) and the French intelligence reports and more will support the allegations of the terrorism. Even our CIA has investigated and come to the same conclusion.

Yet when the U.N. cannot come to terms with what actions to take against North Korea for torpedoing a South Korea ship, killing 46 on board, among others, they quickly form an emergency council to condemn Israel for protecting themselves. What a joke.

Even more so - What a shame.

Just A Couple of Good Ones

2010-05-31T00:01:00.005-06:00

Be sure to watch this one to the very end:

Another

2010-05-12T19:41:00.002-06:00

Time to post the other car conversation I recently had, this one with Jay, my husband.

Driving down Parker Road, which is a 55 mph area, I was stuck behind a guy going about 30 mph.

Me: Idiot! Could you at least do the dang speed limit? (or something along those lines).

Jay: Do you love him, too?

Me: What????

Jay: Well, you call me idiot and you love me.

Good one.

USS Montana/Commercial and Very Funny

2010-05-08T23:05:00.002-06:00

All The Wrinkled Ladies

2010-05-06T14:43:00.003-06:00

A friend of mine shared this on Facebook. It was such a crack up to me, I shared it there, too and decided to post it here, as well.

Car Conversations

2010-04-17T16:59:00.002-06:00

I enjoyed this laugh so much, I posted it on Facebook as well as here.

Rachel and I were driving back from getting a prescription filled for her. She was in the back seat, leaning her head against the headrest. It was a serious conversation.

Me: Oh, look! It's one of those little electric cars. But they have a lot of room. I once saw a big guy fit in one on a game show.

Rachel: They look so small. What I'd like to know is how all those clowns get in there.

She was totally serious. I laughed and then told her those cars were smaller and it was a trick of some sort. I said I thought they likely stopped the car over a trap door or something and they came up out of the floor.

Porch Sittin'

2010-04-11T16:40:00.004-06:00

For a long, long time, I've wanted one of those wood and iron "park" benches. They seem to be harder and harder to find (watch, now that I've put that in print, they'll be all over the place this summer). I finally saw one in a King Soopers ad and with a surprising tax return, we sprug for it.

Jay put it together and it sits on my front porch now. I'm looking forward to spending evenings out there when it's too hot to be indoors. Sorry the picture is so crappy - lol.

Felling Better

2010-03-14T20:19:00.002-06:00

Got a blessing from my sweet Bishop - he's such a good man - and it was just what I needed to hear and feel. Thank goodness for my faith. Wish I could bring everyone into this wonderful family of Christians. No one's perfect, but then no one can be on this earth. I just know I couldn't manage without it.

Faith: Is to hope for things which are not seen, but which are true.

Hope: The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. To believe, desire or trust.

Charity: The highest, noblest, strongest kind of love, not merely affection: the pure love of Christ.

Courage: The quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear.

Going forward as best I can.

Thirty Days....And Counting

2010-03-13T17:17:00.003-07:00

We have until April 14th. Either we'll be told we got our loan modification or we'll be moving someplace because that's the foreclosure date. I've started looking for rentals this weekend. The trouble is we have pets - pets that are like siblings to my daughter who doesn't have any and how do we tell her at least one has to go? How do we let one go? We love them, too. If I could turn back time, everything would be different right now. But, I can't, so we just have to keep moving forward.

Rentals are much more expensive than they were the last time I was in one - more than 14 years ago. We've lived in this house that long. It's the only home my daughter has ever known. We actually own it....until April 14th unless the modification goes through. And how long will it take? It's been seven months we've been working with them. They were the ones that offered it and yet it's still taken seven months. I totally don't understand this. And I'm really, really stressed and scared about what our future holds. Wish Heavenly Father would just make this happen so it could be over with. I'm holding on by a thread.

Desparate for good news, I did find out I still have my job next year. After that, it's all up in the air. But at least I have it for next school year. My girl did great this last trimester again at school, too. And she is a great source of joy. Protecting her heart these days is the toughest thing I've done. How do I prepare her and still help her find peace? Well, I've just told her to keep praying and trust Him to take care of us. I don't know what else to do.

Quiet As A Mouse

2010-03-09T18:15:00.002-07:00

It has been very quiet around here. Very little talking going on. Not much in the way of conversations. I have laryngitis. Do you think that's a sign that no one listens to me, either?

What Is Going On?

2010-03-05T20:56:00.005-07:00

I wish every time I had a post to make, it was lighthearted and funny, pleasant to read or informative. But certainly these days, that's been hard to catch. Right now, my husband is sleeping because he has to go to work soon and my little girl is happily playing on the computer. I'm shaking from an asthma treatment - just used my nebulizer and it makes me shake all over...inside, I guess, is the best way to describe it. I'm sick with a cold that settled right into my chest. Those are the worst ones for me. And then the phone rang. Can't talk about it to my baby. She needs to find joy in life as often as possible. Can't wake my husband because he needs his sleep. He's sick with a milder cold, too.

My younger sister in Texas just called. My dad is in the emergency room...again...this time for chest pain and shortness of breath. He has a pacemaker from his heart attack years ago in his mid 50's. He hadn't even made it home from the rehab hospital from his last regular hospital stay in connection with yet another serious blood infection. She asked me to call my other three siblings. My oldest brother was a quick call. My other brother, also older than me, was also a quick call because I had to leave a message. My older sister's husband answered, as he always does, but put me right on with her. She's been sick off and on for weeks, having to miss school (she's a teacher as are my other sister and oldest brother). She's been tossing everything from both ends. It goes on for several days until she is terribly dehydrated and then goes away for a week or so. Then it's back. This is her eighth bout with it. Her GP Dr. doesn't know what's going on. She's trying to see a gastro guy but she's in a smaller city and he's hard to get in to. He told her to go the emergency room next time this happens and then he'll be able to see her right away. Otherwise, it will be until late April. In the midst of all this, she had eye surgery a little over 2 months ago, necessary to prevent a sure loss of sight, which showed great improvement 30 days later. Now, 60 days later, she's almost lost her vision and it seems she likely will in that eye. I'm a little worried. She is 57 years old and has had health issues all her life. From the time she was 9 months old, the doctors have told my mother she wouldn't live to be this age or that. As she passed the predicted age, they extended it by 5 to 10 years. Her husband has already lost his vision and a leg below the knee to diabetes. I don't know if her diabetes is related to her vision issue or not. She's part-time in a wheelchair, too.

We just found out we will have a tax return this year that we certainly didn't anticipate. That means my daugther and I can drive to Texas this summer for my nephew's high school graduation and to see my parents. I'm scared. I'm just praying I see my dad then. I feel like I need to say good-bye and even though I wouldn't actually say it, I could in my heart in case I don't see him again after June. At the moment, I feel very, very stressed out. So if you read this post, please just pray for my dad and my sister, because I worry how long she'll be around, too.

10 Things You Might Not Know About Me

2010-02-28T16:43:00.004-07:00

Okay, yesterday's blog was a cop out. I'm sick with a cold that has settled in its favorite place - my lungs. With asthma, that's a weak spot and man do I hate it when I can't breathe well. Anyway, I thought today I'd try a "real" blog post that might actually interest a reader. Well, in my conceited way of thinking, anyway. So here are ten odd or unusual things about me that (almost) no one knows. I'm sure my husband's privy to them after knowing me for more than 16 years, though.

1. I sort M & M's out by color and eat my least favorite colors first, always ending with the brown because they symbolize chocolate (not because brown is my favorite color, though).

2. I obsessively brush my teeth with at least two, if not three, different kinds of toothpaste twice a day. And still I don't have the teeth I wish I had.

3. I love pens - colored pens, black ink (being my preferred for professional use), gel, calligraphy pens, unique pens, pens with a good grip on them. When I find a black ink pen I like, I usually stick with it until I accidentally find something better.

4. I once imagined having a huge family. I mean huge. I had names chosen for 12 children. I'm not kidding. I'm sure I would have slit my throat had that been so but I completely, utterly love and adore the one I got. Okay, that last part pretty much everyone knows.

5. Even after all these years, and despite the teachings of my faith, I have once or twice, when things were really, really difficult in our lives, wanted a cigarette. I know, disgusting, huh? Of course, I'd never go through with it. I can't stand the stench of the things.

6. I have been known to not shave my legs for a month or so. It's blond and baby soft and invisible unless I'm in shorts - fat chance of that!!! HA - and the sun hits it just right. Even my husband rarely notices. And no, it's not that he just doesn't say anything because he'd tease me about it if he noticed.

7. All my life, I have spent a good portion of my time alone in the house singing. I mean belting out songs I enjoy. Not quite as much anymore because I am alone so rarely and my voice is not what it used to be, but once in a while I still do.

8. I worry all the time about being a better person, never living up to what I wish I could be like. For instance, our neighbor down the street who loves Rachel like her own granddaughter, just went through cancer treatment. I took one meal to them and one loaf of bread but her treatment went on for a long time and I didn't keep it up. I know I should have, but I didn't. I wish I'd had more time to apply to it and I wish I'd been less selfish with the time I do have for things like that. Thankfully, she's recovering well now.

9. Our house is small, so it doesn't take much to make it look disgusting. I have chosen to write on my book or just "take a day off" rather then clean when I know how badly it needs it. I suspect everyone does this now and then, but as my husband says, I'm so good at feeling guilty that I let that eat at me about it.

10. I am way over the top conceited about my ability to do any job I have. I totally am. I don't have very good self-esteem but when it comes to being a mom and my job - whatever that job may be at the time - I think I am ALL THAT. I really do. Just ask my current boss. When she interviewed me, they had one more person to interview and I ended it with, "Well, I can promise you she won't be as good at this job as I will be." And I meant it. And it's true. She feels that way, too, which just serves to swell my head all the more. It's nice to feel that much confidence about something.

11. Okay, #9 was lame, so here's a bonus one: Being fat almost my entire life, I am always self-conscious about that fact. It makes me shy unless I really prep myself to face people and circumstances (even people I know). It truly does defeat me in many ways. I know I could be more than I am if I changed this fact about myself, yet it seems an impossible task. I even had a doctor tell me I couldn't unless I had weight loss surgery. This recent statement has been rather defeating to me when I'd gotten myself started through (another) weight loss journey. Of course, many things have easily helped me fall off that path. It's really just me. The stuff in my head and the stuff in my heart. I always just wish people would see "me" and not "it". And I wish I had whatever it is that makes those who lose weight and keep it off successfully somewhere inside me where I could actually find it.

Phew. Okay, I wrapped it with a tough one for me to write but when you write - when you open yourself up to expression - you never know what might come out. So there it is.

Soul

2010-02-27T19:27:00.002-07:00

I love Otis Redding. Here's one of my favs...

Not that I don't enjoy newer artists. So here are Adele - Chasing Pavement and Duffy - Mercy, respectively:

My Baby Did a YouTube

2010-02-07T10:51:00.006-07:00

She's been talking about doing something to help people for a long time. I've promised that soon - meaning when things ease up a little bit for us and at least by the summer - we'd do just that. She wants to work at a soup kitchen a couple of times and then think up some other good deeds she can do. Anyway, check it out and if you can, follow the link to YouTube and post a comment for her.

Daughter's YouTube Video

A Poem Written The Same Day

2010-02-06T09:30:00.002-07:00

The same day I wrote the previous post, I wrote a poem speaking much the same sentiments. Usually, I think my poetry sucks, but this one said what I needed to say, so I'm posting it:

Whispers in the wind that tell me it’s alright
A still small voice that beckons me toward the light
A pull this way and then back the other
My mind must focus on being a mother
No matter my trials or pain or tears
Diligence in duty to quiet her fears
Nothing so bad we cannot overcome it
Nothing so hard we cannot go through it
A reassuring smile and hug every night
Will give her that reassurance it will be alright

Sometimes It's So Dang Hard

2010-02-01T19:02:00.002-07:00

Sometimes I find it hard to get out of bed. Sometimes it's hard to take that last load of laundry out of the dryer and fold it. Sometimes it's hard to listen to my husband talk politics, especially when I disagree. Sometimes it's hard to worry about my baby girl and how she's doing at school. Sometimes it's hard to see her sick and worry because there is no insurance if this turns out to be more than a cold. Sometimes it's hard to wonder if we'll ride out this un/underemployment situation and still keep our house because that's hanging in the wind right now. Sometimes it's hard to keep smiling when I really just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Sometimes it's hard to watch a co-worker not want to work very hard at something we've invested so much time in just because someone might think she's mean. Sometimes the whole day just seems hard.

And then I look at my beautiful daughter and I talk to a friend here and there and I pray, earnestly pray, for just enough strength to manage. And somehow, I do.

Twilight

2010-01-28T22:48:00.004-07:00

Yes, I've read all four books. Yes, I've seen the two movies out based on the first two books. I'm the mother of a teen. But I'll tell you something, no one speaks as well about the damage this book series has done as the substitute teacher in this story from a website called mylifeisaverage.com:

Today, I was sitting in class and we had a sub. We were told to write his name at the top left of our paper. His name was Mr. Cullen. I asked him if his first name was Edward. His response. "That f-ing movie has ruined my life. Oh and yes it is. My wifes name is Isabella too. I hate twilight." MLIA.

Dang you, Stephanie Meyer! Dang you! (Planet of the Apes - Mormon version)

Oh my gosh, and another I can't resist sharing:

Today, I was grocery shopping with my mom. I saw this bald man who looked a lot like Voldemort. As he passed me, I whispered (in what I thought was pretty silent whisper),"Lord Voldemort, you've returned." When I turned around for one more glance, he put his finger to his lips and said "Shhh!" My mom freaked out and asked if I knew him. I said yes. MLIA.

The website is filled with these little blips of teen life and some are quiet hilarious. Pop in and get a good laugh.

Yeah, Three Posts in Two Days

2010-01-10T14:16:00.002-07:00

Clowns Are Scary!!! This commercial proves what I've been saying all my life:

Baby Boom

2010-01-10T13:56:00.002-07:00

I watched the movie Baby Boom this morning. It was made in 1987 with Diane Keaton playing a yuppie New York fast-tracker named J.C. Wiatt and Sam Shepard as Jeff Cooper, a Vermont country veterinarian. J.C. inherits a baby girl from a distant relative when the parents are killed in an auto accident. She's unprepared and it begins to affect her work as she struggles to adjust. Her relationship at the time ends over it. She ultimately loses her position in the company, so she quits and moves to a 62 acre farmhouse with an apple orchard. This 200 year old home and property costs her most of her savings as one thing after another goes wrong and then, quite by accident, she discovers a market for gourmet baby food. Within a short time, she's built up this amazing business that her old account in New York wants to buy. By this time, she's involved with the vet and the problems on her property (a new roof, a well that's gone dry, the heating system) have all been repaired. So she goes to New York to hear the offer and negotiate with the intention of leaving Vermont and returning to the world she'd lived in before. But after the very impressive offer is made and she thinks she's going to accept, she realizes how much she loves the life she has now. She turns it all down and returns home to her farm, her daughter and Sam Shepard.

The first time I saw this movie, I was single and childless but very much wanted to be married and a mother. So, what stood out most in my mind, is the scene I know by heart. It is the ending when J.C. comes home and walks into the room where her baby is sitting on the floor playing. She says, "Hi, Elizabeth" to her daughter and the baby smiles and says, "Mama!" This sweet, precious ending always made me long to be a mother all the more. But when I watched it today, I realized that simple, heart-filled moment is one I get to live every day now. My daughter, even at the grown up age of 13, still calls me Mama. And every time she says it, my heart sings. The best gift I've ever been given is my daughter. I was 35 years old when she was born. Sometimes the things we must wait the longest for are the very best. She is.

Cringe

2010-01-09T23:00:00.001-07:00

I put my blog link on Facebook. Hope I don't regret that.....

What Global Warming?????

2010-01-08T19:54:00.002-07:00

It's been cold here. Very, very cold. We're in the single digits and minus temps Fahrenheit, so we're talking in the range of -25 to -10 Celsius for my Aussie and Canadian friends. And right now, due to an infected blister on my left foot, I can't wear socks or closed shoes. I'm living in the lovely (and warm, thankfully) clog-type slippers my hubby got me for Christmas until I get the okay from the doctor for regular shoes and some socks again. I have a case of cold feet - literally.

There has been a very cold series of days over the last couple of months across the United States. I can barely keep up with local weather, so I can't say how the rest of the world is faring in this area, but the U.S. is having one heck of a winter. It's been interesting because these are the winters of my childhood - the seasons when snow stayed on the ground for days or weeks at a time and the days stayed cold. In the last 20 - 30 years, approximately, Colorado winters have been quite mild. We would have a snow day and a day later it warmed enough to totally melt it away. It's one of the things I love about this State, although in all honesty, I am enjoying having a "real" winter this year.

Climatologists say this is the natural ebb and flow way of the weather. It moves in twenty - thirty year cycles. Twenty - thirty years of colder weather followed by twenty - thirty years of warmer weather. I'd love to post studies by some climatologists but the fact is, someone else could find just as many studies to the opposite by other scientists (though few of those would be climatologists who specialize in this area).

So how did I come to the conclusion that allows me to believe Global Warming is baloney to the degree that Al Gore (the man who alleges he invented the Internet) and other scientists have touted? Doctrine and Covenants 104:17 says:
"For the earth is full, and there is enough and to spare; yea, I prepared all things, and have given unto the children of men to be agents unto themselves."

This tells me we will have enough on this earth as long as we are "agents unto" the earth. We are its stewards and must care for it as best we can. I am willing to live "green" to the extent that it does not cause undue difficulty in my or my family's life. I use the "new" light bulbs, I watch our waste of things and limit it as best I can, etc. But I will continue to drive me car to get from place to place and when they become affordable and reliable, I'd even be willing to go to a hybrid or electric car. But I have faith that in doing what I can, as I do, "the earth is full, and there is enough and to spare".

Gotta Be Simple, Gotta Be Inexpensive

2009-12-23T12:16:00.004-07:00

I LOVE having a digital camera so I can post pics!! This is what I made for my brother's family gift and his wife's family gift:

The first one took me well over an hour but I modified and the other 3 only took about 45 minutes or so. And you might be asking, "Spiders? For Christmas?" Well, yes. They go along with this story:

On Christmas Eve, a long time ago, a gentle mother was busily cleaning the house for the most wonderful day of the year... Christmas day, the day on which the little Christ child came to bless the house. Not a speck of dust was left. Even the spiders had been banished from their cozy corner on the ceiling. They had fled to the farthest corner of the attic.

The Christmas tree was beautifully decorated. The poor spiders were frantic, for they could not see the tree, nor be present for the little Christ child's visit. Then the oldest and wisest spider suggested that perhaps they could wait until everyone went to bed and then get a closer look.

When the house was dark and silent, the spiders crept out of their hiding place. When they neared the Christmas tree, they were delighted with the beauty of it. The spiders crept all over the tree, up and down, over the branches and twigs and saw every one of the pretty things.

The spiders loved the Christmas tree. All night long they danced in the branches, leaving them covered with spider webs. In the morning, when the little Christ child came to bless the house, he was dismayed! He loved the little spiders for they were God's creatures, but he knew the mother, who had worked so hard to make everything perfect, would not be pleased when she saw what the spiders had done.

With love in his heart and a smile on his lips, the little Christ child reached out and gently touched the spider webs. The spider webs started to sparkle and shine! They had all turned into sparkling, shimmering silver and gold.

According to legend, ever since this happened, people have hung tinsel on their Christmas trees. It has also become a custom to include a spider among the decorations on the Christmas tree.

So, that's why I made Christmas Spider ornaments for gifts this year. Plus, if you want to keep them out, they'll pick up the sun beautifully hanging in a window.

Hopefully my sister-in-law will not peek at my blog until AFTER the holidays....

Bright Lights and Jingle Bells

2009-12-11T07:15:00.003-07:00

It's that time of year again when we rush around decorating our homes for the upcoming celebration, budget and bargain hunt to find the things - or at least some of the things - our loved ones would like for presents, baking things we tend to only make once a year and generally stressing ourselves out to make things "just right". But I ask you, how can we go wrong? Because we all know what it's really about. Sure, it's nice to give gifts to those in our lives we're fond of or those we absolutely adore. It's nice to see twinkling lights at the houses where they actually bother to put them up. It's like the icing on the cake when the ground is covered in the fluffy white-blue snow that so often melts around here in a day or two. I even enjoy the cold air - if it stays above freezing. But, yeah, we all know what it's really about. Need I say more?

I have a manger scene that was given to me many years ago, long before I was married. A friend who had divorced the man who had given it to her no longer wanted the reminder and offered it to me. It's a lovely set, bought from Avon. I found a stable that fit the figurines sizes well and put a little light up in the corner of it. There stands the angel watching over the babe while His mother and father look adoringly at Him. And a quietly laying cow and a donkey are nearby. There is the shepard boy holding a little lamb in his arms with his head bowed and the adult shepard (I always think of him as the boy's father) with his staff in his hand. Two sheep are lying together, one's head resting on the other. There are the three wise men and two camels (I wish there were three because I'm sort of OCD like that) and every evening when I get home from work,I click on the little light and take a moment to look upon the scene and remember what it's really all about.

Just a moment ago, my daughter asked me how long we'd had our artifical tree. I told her I thought about five years or so. Her response? "Wow. You have a lot of old things." Her father and I laughed. He said, "Are your referring to us?" Of course, she wasn't. Not this time, anyway. But I look around and she's right. i do have a lot of "old" things. But that comes from living for a while. For almost every item, there is a story and certainly there is a history. My history. There are the two table trees we have - two because my mother forgot she bought one for us the year before. But we bought some small, cute ornaments for them and one goes on the dining room table and one on the top of the entertainment cabinet with the Santa collection. There are the two large nutcracker Santa's in that collection that my husband bought for me when we were early in our marriage and I told him with the four Santa's I had, I'd like to start collecting them. There is my black Santa in his winter white Father Christmas clothing that I picked up because it was unique and beautiful and adds an interesting touch to my collection. There are the hand painted ones, a hand carved one, a bobble-head one (my mother again), the one my father gave me when they found out I was collecting them that has a reindeer at his side. There is even one I painted myself one year. Each of them has a story, a special meaning. Most were gifts. It is the same with my much, much smaller nutcracker collection. There is the first one I ever bought, from Tuesday Morning and the other 4 large and 3 small ones were gifts. There is the snowman collection, also pretty small, that is spread out around the house. There are all the ornaments we put on the tree, some of which Rachel remembers the stories of and tells them back to me now when we are decorating it.

Christmas for me is filled with many memories. I miss the times when all of my family lived here in Colorado and that was the one time of year we were all together at the same time. Oh, there were arguments, but there was also plenty of laughter and music and singing, too. My mother played piano and my older sister, guitar. We sang Christmas carols until our voices were hoarse. We attended midnight services at my older sister's Luthern church (well, the guys usually stayed home)because she wanted us to participate in her tradition, and we cooked and ate and opened presents Christmas Eve because "Santa can't make all the houses just on Christmas Day, so some of us get them early." Now, with my own family, we open them Christmas Day, though. This year, we've struggled with unemployment and now under employment and my extended family is scattered to the wind. We'll spend Christmas Day with my brother and his family, as well as his wife's family, and then the next day drive down to Colorado Springs (the Springs) to see my husband's family. But I won't see my ailing parents again this year or my younger sister and her family - all in Texas. I won't likely see my older sister who doesn't live that far away but in some ways is far away. I don't know if I'll hear from my other brother whom I so rarely speak with anymore. And why, you might ask? Hard feelings, grudges that hurt the bearer so much more than those they hold the grudge against, anger, spouses, distance, differences. Why does any family of siblings lose touch? But at Christmas, this seems so sad to me.

So, I focus on the true meaning of Christmas. I focus on Jesus Christ, His atonement, His true church and my belief in it, my immediate family and gratitude for all the goodness and kindness and the ward family that surrounds us not just this time of year, but every day.

May your Christmas and the coming New Year be filled with love of family and friends, kindness from and to each other, prosperity, and the simple knowledge that God lives, the Savior lives and guides us and His arms are open to us if we but ask it.

Merry Christmas.

A Crunch of Leaves

2009-10-19T20:50:00.002-06:00

We have a dog whom I both love and hate. She was a Dumb Friends League find and immediately took to my husband - even before we'd left the place. So why, you might ask, did we imagine we were getting the dog for our daughter? That would come along the lines of stupidity. But she both makes me laugh and makes me cringe, depending on her behavior at the moment.

When Daisy is sleeping, I really love her. When she is growling because my daughter wants to pet her and she's a crouchy old codger, I sorta hate her. When she is outside chasing the Frisbees my husband throws for her every day on her "run", it's love. When she's gassy and/or puking, hate. Joyfully, crunching the leaves that have freshly fallen from the autumn trees, then circling back to hear the noise again, love her. Eating the dirty tissue someone left on the coffee table, hate her. Excitedly jumping around when it's time to walk our daughter to school, love her (it's cute). Barking her head off at someone across the street, hate her.

You get the picture. It's a back and forth thing. But what can you do? She's family. So we love her overall - well, my husband loves her all the time - and we wish she were a little better behaved.

Now the two cats, well, that's a whole different story....

Hunkering Down

2009-10-06T18:21:00.002-06:00

One of the things I like best when the weather turns colder is to hunker down in the house, hot chocolate a-plenty, fleece blankets to wrap up in, a good movie or book and watching the world outside change. Every so often, a nice, deep breath in the cold makes the day just right. I hope when the first 'real' snowstorm comes, it's on my day off so I can sleep in and then follow the path above. Can you tell I like this time of year???

Snow Flurries and Memories

2009-09-25T22:52:00.003-06:00

We had some snow flurries a couple of days ago which I watched with relish outside my office window. My three co-workers groaned. But I was almost giddy with excitement. I know, I'm sick. But snow has some wonderful and rare lovely childhood memories for me.

Every winter, for the first snow of the season, my dad would come into my younger sister's and my room, and wake us with these words, "Girls, it's snowing outside." My sister and I...well, okay, my sister required twelve hours of sleep every night, so it was really just me...would bound out of bed to the window to look out on the glistening moonlit wonderland that blanketed the yard, icicles hanging like crystal shards from the trees and feel the vision pull my thoughts into a fairytale world. Sometimes I would open the front door and breathe in the cold air, filling my lungs to capacity, then watch the cloud of white as I exhaled. The sight of the first kiss of winter filled my head and I held it until the next time because by the time I returned to bed and got up again, an animal - perhaps a pet or something wild - had trampled it and the enchantment was gone.

I also love the quiet of a good snowstorm. I haven't experienced that much since becoming an adult and moving from the country into a city, but if it's late enough or snowy enough to drive everyone indoors come evening, I can lose myself in that muted silence that only the snow covered world produces.

Snow evokes thoughts of bundling up in warm clothes, sledding down steep hills, snowman building, sipping hot chocolate. My eyes drift westward to spy the snow capped mountains I've grown up around almost my whole life. It brings back memories of taking my now twelve year old daugther outside when she was a toddler to look for footprints in the snow and guess what animal - or human - made them, to compare our own to each other, to taste it on our tongues. I love the winter unequivocally. I prefer it to any other season, though I also enjoy the spring and fall months. But winter just has something special. I can hardly wait for the first "real" snow - the stuff that sticks and stays a couple of hours before the sun warms it away. And the best part? It's just around the corner.

Changes That Make You Tired...or...Am I Really THAT Old???

2009-09-10T21:16:00.002-06:00

In the last six months, I've made some major changes. I went from being a stay-at-home mom to working 3 days a week, then 4 days a week, then 5 days a week and now I'm actually working 40 hours a week until at least December and they are talking about making my job full time permanently. I;m torn. I don't know if I want to do that. Then again, we'd have insurance (even if it is Kaiser, which I've never liked but hear can be okay if you go to the right location). I'd never have to worry about not having insurance again (as long as I had my job). But I would lose all my doctors - the OBGYN who helped me through my pregnancy, delivery and subsequent miscarriages and whom I've seen for the last 13 years now, my endocrinologist who, although I don't see him, I do like the PA I see in his office for the same length of time, and our family Dr. who has only been our Dr. for a couple of years but whose office we've been at for about 6 years now. That would suck. But even more than that, I really don't know if I want to work full time. I'm tired. My house is a filthy, disgusting pit of despair. My heart feels like it's missing out on my daughter's teen years because, although I'm home shortly after her even on the days I go work out, I miss seeing her off at the school every morning and watching her walk out to the car every afternoon. I miss our talks in the car about how her day went on the way home. Of course, maybe this is a good, baby steps beginning for when she goes off to college (not that long from now). I miss puttering around the house cleaning up this and that while the house is quiet and empty - shoot, I miss cleaning at all. I miss Judge Judy once or twice a week - lol (that's about all I ever watched it). I miss feeling organized, knowing when things are scheduled, remembering everything I'm supposed to when I'm supposed to remember it. I miss feeling like a mom. Who has a brain.

Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE my job! I LOVE the women I work with who are funny and strong personalities and who have a great work ethic. I LOVE that they appreciate me. I LOVE that I am working in a situation that ultimately helps the special needs kids in our District, but I do it behind the scenes. I LOVE my one co-worker who has done this job for about 17 years laughing at me when I have such hope that some issue we're dealing with will actually be resolved - LOL. I LOVE that my office boss, who is the other co-worker, tells me she appreciates me. I LOVE that they accept me for who I am, without seeming to be irritated by me and my ?bright? ideas (which could simply be an illusion, but that's where I want to be and that's what illusions are all about...). I LOVE that we discuss things we might do to make things work better and they actually consider what I say as valid. That's a big deal to me. I feel like I have value because of them and their attitude toward me and I really LOVE them for that. Feeling valuable, appreciated, even needed are the things we all wish we felt at least now and then. I get to feel that a lot at my job.

So, I'm torn. On the one hand, I really, really wish my job would become a permanent full time job so I could provide insurance for our family and I could continue to bring in a significant part of our income. I like knowing I am making a difference - a big difference right now. On the other hand, I never envisioned myself working full time until Rachel was off to college. I know - lots of people don't get to have that blessing and I have had almost all of the first 12 years of her life being there for her all the time. But she's my one and only and this is the only chance I have at being a mom. When the time has passed because she's all grown up, I am done with parenting (well, the part you do before they leave home, anyway). I don't get to focus on child number two or three or whatever. And my whole life, all I ever truly wanted to be was a mother. A part of me feels cheated.

Ultimately, I know we all must do what we must do. I know that I provide my daughter with pretty much everything she needs as her mother and I know that she will NOT look back at this time thinking I wasn't there for her because I'm not missing that much time with her. And with this job, I am lucky to enjoy what I'm doing and feeling like I can really help make a difference where it counts. As the scriptures say in Matthew 25:40 - "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." So even though it IS behind the scenes, we do a good service by bringing funds into the District so the special needs kids receive the care and support they need. That's really what it's all about.

There are future resolutions. I could get a housekeeper once Jay is working full time so I no longer need to worry about that - I can just keep the vacuuming, dishes and laundry up and work on my book more. I could get my two loves busy doing regular picking up after themselves, set rules of not being able to leave stuff laying around, organize the house better this summer and try to get rid of some stuff again. I know I could make it work and full time in a school district is really not like full time in other jobs. There is a lot of time off. I'd still be able to take off the days Rachel is off from school except during the summer and then I'm sure I'd be able to cut my hours. Truth is, it wouldn't be so bad. Of course, now that I've sort of talked myself into it, it probably won't happen - LOL. We'll see.

Trek Pics

2009-08-22T22:06:00.010-06:00

I don't have much to say. I'm back at work this week and after observing one training session, I gave my first one on Thursday. But it went well. I had them laughing and they asked a lot of questions, which means they were listening. No nodding heads or yawning, thank goodness! I was really nervous, but afterwards, I felt great.

School starts Monday. Whew, the time has flown by. Oh, and I'll be working Friday's starting this week for a month or two again. But we need the money, so I'm happy about it.

Below are some Pioneer Trek pics with my girl in them (she's in the yellow bonnet and purple skirt) and they actually crossed the Sweetwater River 3 times, just like the pioneers did:

I see these pics came out pretty small. I don't know how to make them bigger. Clicking on them doesn't do it. I'll work with this and see what I can do about it.

My Baby Girl Sent This To Me Today

2009-08-07T16:55:00.002-06:00

Made me cry. I love that daughter of mine.

Taylor Swift, The Best Day:

Love...This...Song

2009-08-06T21:06:00.002-06:00

Koop Island Blues with Ane Brun:

Switching Gears

2009-08-03T21:36:00.003-06:00

My last few posts have been about a man other than my husband. Maybe I ought to switch gears, eh?

Rachel went on the trek in Wyoming only a couple of weeks after getting home from Girl's Camp. She enjoyed it much more than she had Girl's Camp, though she wasn't getting along with one of the 3 new friends she'd made. Apparently with good reason as that particular girl insisted on repeatedly smacking her, despite Rachel asking, then demanding, that she stop. The report I had was that she had some trials, but we could be really proud of her because she kept at it and did an amazing job. That was from her "family" grandpa. A couple of other people from our ward told me she did great until the last day, then had some tears but kept going and was an example to them because of her strong testimony. This Sunday, our Fast and Testimony meeting, two different people who had been on the trek - one adult and one pretty much an adult (18 and on her way to college soon) mentioned the example she set and what an amazing person she was. I was so pleased, but I also know how strong she is in her faith and what a wonderful girl she is. She is my best ever blessing. She's happy to be home and doing her own thing now.

Jay got a second part-time job and has trained a lot the last week and a half. His normal hours at this 2nd part-time job will be Saturday and Sunday from 2 p.m. to midnight. Then a couple of days ago, he was asked to add 2 more days to his other part-time job, so now he's working 6 days a week. A couple of days before that, I took a call for him while he was at work and he's been signed up for testing in a couple of weeks for a full-time position that will be very good pay and good benefits. I'm praying that will come through. It's time. But the best part is that this has completely changed his mood and confidence. He's the guy I fell in love with and married again. It's been really wonderful to see him smile and laugh again, hear him speak positively about himself and his job prospects and the brighter countenance when I look at his face. Nine months was a long time for a man not to feel he was taking care of his family. Now he is. Good things. I am most grateful to Heavenly Father for these gifts.

Mr Gorgeous

2009-07-24T19:52:00.003-06:00

I am LOVING the gym. Rachel is, too. And I can't think of a better support system than my daughter. It's been a bonding experience and it's been a good, healthy treat for both of us. Yes, I said a treat. Because it is. We went the first day and there were only a handful of people in there working out. We checked out the treadmill first, to see how it worked. Then we actually worked out on it! Then we tried the stationary bike, recumbent bike and the elliptical. The elliptical and I are not friends. I found it difficult, maybe because I'm a klutz. Whatever the reason, it's not something I'm pushing to achieve.

We worked out 2 days in a row and took the weekend off. On the following Tuesday, we had one of our two free trainer sessions. That's when we met him. Ah, yes. The memory lingers....his white teeth and endearing smile. His dark, slightly wavy hair. His muscled - but not too muscled - body. bbbrrrrruuuuppppptttt **Sound of scratching a needle across a record as I come to my senses**
I am clearly old enough to be his mother. And on the plus side, he is too old for my daughter. But I have deemed him Mr. Gorgeous or Mr. G for short. Just not to his face. Can you imagine?

He earnestly wants to help me get healthy and is surprisingly knowledgeable about physiology and skeletal structure. He nailed my physical issues without any hints from me just watching me do some squats. "You turn your feet out to the side. That's from poor hip rotation. Your right leg is slightly shorter than your left because your hip is up (here I explain that when my back is out, as it has been for some time, that's what happens). Your right shoulder is weak and range of motion poor, has it been injured? (Yes, I admit, from my ribs popping out of place on that side). All of these things lead to poor posture. We're going to work on that." And so we do. In my two sessions with Mr. G, he's given me exercises that have strengthened my core and my back. My posture is already improving. In addition to those targeted exercises which take about 20 minutes, I do cardio of some kind, usually the treadmill. Rachel does all these with me, then pushes herself on the treadmill by running in intervals. Sometimes, she said, she might go do the bike which I'm not fond of because it hurts my backside after about 10 minutes. But it's been fun and while she was on her trek with the youth of our church and some adult leaders/helpers, I went to the gym by myself. It was a little tougher. I definitely missed her. But I did it! Monday we'll get back in the swing of things by going every day next week.

Now, if I can just find someone to join this gym, I'll get 3 more free trainer sessiions, I just found out Thursday. I'm looking.

Gyming It

2009-07-12T17:41:00.002-06:00

So I was cleaning the pit up a couple of weeks ago and went to throw out some trash when this flyer ad for a fitness place came up. It said it was $3.00 a week?!?!!?!?! Well, I'm thinking, "there is NO WAY. Just no way." I set it on my desk and looked at it every day for a few days. Then I noticed it had an expiration date on it. I called. "Yes," said the woman who answered, "It really is $3.00 a week. Yes, it's got equipment in it to work out on. Yes, it's a real deal. Can I set you up for an appointment with Ross?" I stammered, "Well, I...I...guess. Maybe. Is it busy around....well, in the afternoons around 2:30 or so?" "It's practically empty!!" she said, with more enthusiasm than I would have expected. From anyone. My suspicions immediately grew. "Are you sure?" "Why, there's practically no one in here that time of day!" she said again with fffeeeellliinngg. "This will sound like a strange question, but is everyone in there all fit and thin and stuff? I mean, I'm obese, okay? And I don't want to feel uncomfortable or anything," I said. "No, no, no. We have all kinds of people come in here - very fit, just beginning - the whole works" "Okay. I'll come by and check it out." Faster than I could finish my sentence, she asked, "Is tomorrow at 2:15 p.m. a good time?" "Yeah, sure," I said, not feeling sure at all. I went to work the next day and mentioned it to my co-workers. "Oh, that place is ALWAYS jam packed. I've never seen it empty any time I've driven by." I felt my heart sink a little. Because I really need something to push me to exercise every day. It's hotter than a skillet on the blazing fire in our house these days and I just CAN'T workout in that heat. Shoot, I can barely stand it sitting still with a fan blowing on me. But I can't afford to go back to Curves which had really done some great stuff for me.

That afternoon, I hurried to my car about 5 minutes later than I intended. So I arrived about 5 minutes late. I hate that. I like to be a little early to everything. When I pulled into the parking lot, I saw a bunch of people in the windows working out. Okay, well not a bunch, but I could see a good 15 or so there. I sat in the car thinking I should leave. Then I told myself, "What the heck? If I don't go in, I'm letting myself and Rachel down," because I was planning to sign her up, too, since it's so cheap. And I deserve something....something for myself from the money I make, right? So I got out of the car.

On approach, an older woman, maybe early 60's and about 40-50 pounds overweight, came walking out the door. I felt my confidence lift just a bit. Inside I saw a woman working with a trainer who had probably 80 pounds to lose. Then there were you usual 20-somethings, maybe younger and mostly male, lifting weights (while they watched themselves in the mirror). That part made me want to laugh.

The run down - no amenities, just exercise equipment - treadmills, ellipticals, stationary bikes and recumbent bikes (which don't hurt your backside), some sort of torture equipment....I mean stairsteppers....and both weight machines and free weights. I was sort of impressed. I was told it was a high volume day since it was the 1st day after a holiday weekend and people feeling guilty were in to work off their sins. Funny, I thought you had to pray for forgiveness for that. Anyway, The $3.00 a week/$12.00 a month was for limited useage/days, but I wheeled and dealed and we're both in for $24.00 a month now with 2 personal trainer freebie sessions thrown in with the cute, although young enough to be my son, trainer Constantine. We've been twice, plan to go all next week. We both love it and I'm feeling good.

I'd Exercise My Artistic Side in The Dust....

2009-07-03T21:03:00.002-06:00

But I think I'd better just exercise my body and then just clean the house.

While Jay's been out of work these past eight months - well, giving him credit, he is working a part-time job two days a week and picks up an extra day whenever he can - he's been responsible for keeping up the bulk of the housework and cooking some meals. On the sadistic side of myself, I'm really enjoying the role reversal. On the realistic side of things, there's enough dust on the TV screen and other surfaces to paint the Mona Lisa and frame it. So today I just decided to bite the bullet and get this house in order before I pull my hair out.

First, we sold our piano which had been sitting in our house, rarely touched, for about six years. Now an accomplished musician owns it, we have a little extra cash to put toward bills and our bedroom has a lot more room in it. Jay helped me rearrange it and I gave it a good, thorough cleaning this morning. I've managed to clean the living room which looked something like the house in the movie "Night of the Living Dead" after the zombies broke in. Then it got HOT.

Well, from my previous post, you know how much I just love the heat. As crankiness creeped up on me, I decided to call it quits until the evening storm and subsequent coolness overtook the house. So, after I finish my post here, I have the kitchen, dining room and powder room to clean. That's not really so bad as I did a lot of picking up on those rooms last night and some this morning. Maybe another hour and a half or so on them. Jay cleaned our bathroom and will do ALL the floors in the morning. Rachel cleaned her bedroom and bathroom - after I helped her polish her dresser and nightstand ridding them of their inch or better of dust. Apparently, when not being checked up on, certain locations in her room don't get touched very often, either.

What this will all lead to is a house that will be clean until sometime tomorrow afternoon. And will allow me several hours of satisfaction, a few precious hours of that "clean" smell - which for me is bleachy. What can I say? Bleach is where it's at for me. But maybe I can let people in my house then without feeling that red of embarrassment creep up my face. It's worth spending my time off cleaning. Really it is.

My Summer Song....

2009-06-23T17:39:00.008-06:00

This post was published on Light Refreshments Served and I am honored to be there with the amazing women who post there regularly.

Okay, it's more like a moan. I do not like the summer. It's the heat. And the bugs. And the sweating even when you're sitting still. Give me Spring, Winter, Fall. I'll take them all. Just let me sleep through summer in an air conditioned house set at 65 degrees and hermetically sealed to keep the bugs out.

Of course, that's not happening. Our a/c has been on its last legs for a couple of years now, so we don't run it until the worst part of summer hits - mid July and August, usually. We run fans full blast all night upstairs and as soon as I rise in the morning we get the windows opened and the fans going downstairs to suck in the cooler air. One of the beauties of living in Colorado is that it does cool off, at least somewhat, almost every night. It's not unusual to have a 20 or even 30 degree drop over night. Thank goodness, because the lovely result of my misery in the heat is I'm the queen of crabby. I just can't help it, I tell my family.

My ~~hatred~~ dislike of bugs has a number of causes. When I was still in my teens, I watched an episode of 'Night Gallery' titled 'The Caterpillar' in which a man who desired a colleague's wife pays an accomplice to put an earwig in the ear of the unsuspecting husband. In a twist of fate, the accomplice accidentally enters the room of the man who hired him and places it in his ear instead. After suffering through horrible pain as the earwig eats through his brain and exits the other side, a doctor called to aid him tells him the ordeal is not over as the earwig has laid eggs en route through his brain and he is now host to all of them. Fun, eh? Now, many years later, I still pull my hair over my ear when I roll onto my side at night. My husband says I do this even in a deep sleep. Hey, those earwigs can climb up on the ceiling. I've seen them.

I also was ~~cursed~~ blessed to have grown up with two brothers who thought it hilarious to hold grasshoppers over my face, screaming, "It's going to spit tobacco all over you!" and rubbing the wings of miller moths with the taunt, "It's going to get its wing dust all over you!" as if these things were some sort of poison. To me, they were certainly great horrors, to say the least. And they took great pleasure in their ~~evil deeds~~ games. They could not have known they would be forever damaging my psyche ~~or could they?~~. With some sort of miracle, I avoided a life in a straight jacket but retained my ~~fear~~ dislike of the creeping, crawling things of this world and have broken my husband's heart with a refusal to ever enjoy a new life in Tahiti or some other tropical place. I can barely endure the bug population here, can you imagine what would happen to me there????

And one more thing, I was a redhead when I was a kid. In fact, until my 30's. My skin is fair and tender around sunlight, like a vampire's as it smokes, burning in the UV rays, so I stay out of the sunlight mostly and sunscreen heavily when I must be in it.

So, for those of you who enjoy the heat, the sun, the bugs of summer - go forward and enjoy the next couple of months. As for me and my pale skin, I'll enjoy my retirement in Alaska during the summer (mostly just mosquitoes is what I hear) and right here in Colorado during the winter.

A Parent Update and Downloading Songs

2009-06-04T21:03:00.002-06:00

First the update so I can move on to happier thoughts. My mother took a fall a few days ago because a medication she was on wasn't at the proper dosage and thinned her blood out too much. It caused her to faint. Thankfully, she didn't re-break the hip she just finished rehab for or anything else. But once in the hospital, they discovered a bedsore she's been battling from infection for many, many months was seriously reinfected. So she's in a rehab center again for the next 3 weeks or more. My sister already has their room at the nursing home we have to move them to and you can't let them go or you won't get them back. Dad can't go alone as he's the main reason for the move - his dementia is so bad, my mother can't even care for him and he could never manage a new place alone. So, for now, he's being day sat by a college student home for the summer. It's been stressful for my sister - beyond imagination. And just when she thought she would have a break from 3+ years of caring for them while their health has seriously declined, things aren't moving along. I think if you've not experienced the exhaustion of caring for aging parents, you can't really understand. But I took care of them for just a week when they came to visit and were much healthier than they are now and I was tired. Their visit last summer to stay at my brother's wore he and his wife out, too. It's exhausting and I admire and am grateful for my sister's love and dedication toward them all this time - while she's been raising two sons and working as a professor and associate dean at a university. That's a lot of responsibility and a lot of hours in the day. I hope she knows how grateful I truly am.

Okay, on to the downloading of songs. So with Jay out of work, as he still is, we had no money at Christmastime. Our amazing ward family took care of us to ensure our daughter - and both of us - had a Christmas and it was an wonderfully spiritual experience for us. I had no money to spend on my sweet nephews and the one precious niece still under 18 (I don't buy gifts for them once they turn 18 or graduate from high school, whichever comes first). Then I discovered I could download some music for them, burn CD's and....wala! Of course, as luck would have it, I completed my niece's CD and then my drive bit the dust. In comes tax return time and we've replaced that, so for the past week or so, I've been trying to get my nephew's CD's downloaded. They are 10 and 17. They like several kinds of music, as do I. In fact, I've enjoyed a few of their "rap" music choices and am keeping copies of them for myself on my computer, too. But then they asked for some Lil Wayne. Oh man! What garbage. How this little, disgusting piece of trash has made money in the music business, I cannot tell. First, he's filthy. No, I mean big time filthy. So I've had to search for the "clean" versions of his songs because no way am I contributing to the distribution of that crap or the corruption of my nephews. Second of all, he can't sing. His voice is this croaking, nasty sound. So all his "songs" feature other singers. You know, people who actually CAN. I'm grateful to have finished downloading these songs and hope to never have to listen to him again. And Thank Goodness for Radio Station who continue to play the CLEAN versions of these loser's music......

My Birthday

2009-05-24T22:17:00.003-06:00

Not such a great day at home with two crankies that day, but I had a great time out. Hmmm, that sounds sucky, but I was out most of the day. At work, my two co-workers had gotten me a sweet little gift - a lemonade scented candle and holder and a Harry & David Moose Munch Bar. The candle has my whole desk smelling good (not lit, though, as you can't do so in the building). The candy bar was savored that evening after dinner. I love those bars and usually only get one at Christmas. They have popcorn in them, nuts and other stuff covered in chocolate. Yummy. Then I went out to dinner with six friends and we had a blast laughing and talking. We're talking about having a girl's night out monthly. The following day we headed out to my home town for my best friend's daughter's college graduation party. It was wonderful to see all of her family who, after all these years, are very much like family to me. Again, lots of laughing and talking and reminiscing. And I saw her little grandson for the first time. Rachel had fun, too, and the night before while I was on the girl's night out, she babysat two little girls she really loves. Anyway, it turned out pretty great. Not a bad deal for an old lady.

Difficult Decisions

2009-05-19T21:07:00.003-06:00

My Folks at my Brother's Wedding

My youngest sister has always lived with or near my parents. They either shared a house with a basement apartment, lived across the hall from each other in apartments or, as they do now, lived together in my sister and her husband's home. Shortly after they moved to Texas, my parent's health began a slowly deterioration. I think they've been there for about ten years now and in the last three, my parent's health has really gotten bad. My dad has dementia that has deteriorated so quickly the doctors doubt he will know any of us by this time next year. In fact, when they rallied health-wise this summer and made a trip here to visit, staying at my brother's, my dad mentioned he didn't know me for about the first 15 minutes I was there even though I was talking to him. He did recognize my daughter, though. My mother has had numerous back surgeries and a recent hip surgery after a fall and break. While Mom was in the hospital, Dad's dementia took a serious turn for the worse. So now my sister has the difficult position of placing them in an assited living situation. The truth is, she just can't manage it anymore. It's becoming dangerous for all of them. This decision isn't being taken lightly. She has loved them and cared for them for a lot of years, paying them back, I imagine, for all the help they gave her while she and her husband got their degrees and my parents cared for her children. She's been dealing with accidents on the floor or missing the toilet, wet beds and chairs, trying to convince them to get up and change or shower or whatever they need to do. Now she is enduring broken wedding dishes because my father doesn't realize he's missing the cabinet, then doesn't realize he's dropped the plate and just gets another. My mother can't accept that he isn't going to improve and keeps trying to get him to do things he is no longer capable of, so things that could become fire hazards or other damage to the house are issues. He put an entire Costco size bottle of laundry detergent in the washer the other day and had he started the water, it would have been a disaster. Instead, my sister and her husband caught it and spent hours cleaning it all out. He's fallen out of bed and not been able to get up on his own, so he sleeps there all night. The last time, my sister found him on the floor with a bloody head, but he was not aware he'd been hurt. She had to call an ambulance. There is much, much more going on, but it is clear she cannot care for them anymore. It's just too much. For anyone. And she works many hours and has a family to care for, as well. It would be too much and overwhelming for someone who stayed at home, too. So, she alone, because she lives so far away, has had to pursue this action.

I admire my younger sister. I admire her and am grateful for the love and care she has given my parents. My heart goes out to her. My parents are furious with her over all of this and, though my dad's mental condition keeps him from understanding why he is angry, my mother's emotions transfer over to him and he's actually been threatening to her. It's simply a dangerous situation for everyone involved at this point. Keeping them there and having the house catch fire or one of them fall and kill themselves or have violence erupt is just too much of a danger for everyone. I know in my heart that this is the best decision. I hope and pray that my other siblings will see it the same way and be kind to my sister during this emotional and difficult time. She truly is at a breaking point. What I wouldn't give to be able to go there and help her through it all.

National Award?!?!?!?!?!?!

2009-05-16T01:01:00.007-06:00

I could hardly believe it! But here it is, my mother of the year award. Please follow the link ~~bragging~~. Sorry I couldn't get it set up so you could just click, but you can copy and then paste in your browser.

http://news.cnnbcvideo.com/?nid=FOKhfW4Tb2V9F.vMRsiNZTExOTI3NjAw&referred_by=15866206-l1K2Wgx&p=moveon

Okay, so my friend, Nyla, sent it to me. Then I got it again from another friend, Chas. It was a great little gift for Mother's Day.

How Mother's Day Went

2009-05-12T18:16:00.003-06:00

Well, as always, it was wonderful. Rachel's old enough she believes I should have the day off and I did, mostly. I did some laundry and cleaned up the kitchen that evening, but otherwise I relaxed.

I ask for practical gifts, so Jay got what I asked for (just so no one disses him for it) - a couple of pot holders and dish towels. Rachel got me a beautiful necklace and earrings. The earrings are little diamond studs (not real ones, of course) and the necklace is a beautiful dark pink flower with diamonds in the center. Someone was kind enough to send an anonymous Walmart gift card, so I got some desperately needed blouses for work with it, too. It was a pretty nice holiday and I don't feel like I have to wear the same 4 or 5 shirts over and over again at work. Whoever did it had a great sense of timing. I thank them profusely.

I finally talked Jay into seeing the Dr. about his dang cough. I think it's bronchitis. He goes tomorrow morning. Rachel was sick again and I'm hoping it doesn't come back on me as I just got well again. I asked Jay to clean with bleach water which he said he did, but it sure didn't smell like it. That's really the only way to kill off these sick bugs. We'll see how it goes.

I started working out again Monday. I got up at 4:15 a.m. to fit it in but didn't manage that this morning. I plan to do a walking video (80 degrees is too hot for me to walk outside, sorry). We'll see if I manage. But I plan to get up at 4:15 again tomorrow. It's so hard to work out after work for me right now. That will get easier as the workouts do, but for now, I'll just have to get up early.

That's about it, I guess.

Once A Year

2009-05-09T22:26:00.002-06:00

It only comes once a year. Yep, that's it. A holiday in which you are required to tell your mother how much you appreciate her for: the nine months of pregnancy that caused her stretch marks and made her vericose veins worse, 23 hours of labor that some sadist told her wouldn't be so bad and she'd miss out on the beauty of child birth if she had an epidural, two hours of pushing without results and the ensuing c-section that brought you into the world. There were the first couple of weeks when she didn't realize she didn't have enough breast milk and you cried, out of hunger, constantly and she cried with you because she felt so incapable. There was the exhaustion that made her demand your father go to the store and buy formula because obviously, after hearing other new moms at church talk about their leaking breast milk, she didn't have enough to sustain you and didn't think there might be alternatives. There was the sweetness of you still nursing, despite what little your earned for it, for another five and a half months because - and maybe you did know this - she needed it to feel she'd experienced all of the motherhood she'd yearned 35 years for since you'd be her only one. There were the sleepless nights, the weening from the bottle to a sippy cup, the sippy cup to a cup with a lid and straw, the straw to a big cup (that you still often use a straw in, but not because you can't drink it any other way). There was the weening from a pacifier, the plug, as we called it. It was all so easy and sweet and quick. Then there was potty training. Not so easy or sweet or quick, but eventually you got it and in all the years since, you'd only had one accident - not that I'd expect you to at this stage in the game. Then there was preschool and having other mother's so impressed that you could sing your alphabet, sign your name and count and name colors so well. Kindergarten brought on "real" school days and there was the sending you off thinking how hard it would be and you just turned around and waved saying, "Bye, Mama", already not missing her much. But to make up for that, you ran into her arms at the end of the school day when she picked you up and all the things you talked about on your way home from school.

I still cherish those moments - in the car after school when you talk to me about whatever is on your mind. First grade was hard...for me. You were gone all day and I started to volunteer at school just to feel like I was still a part of your life during the day, I think. Well, and to be what I had always thought motherhood should be. I missed you soooo much those first few weeks. Then I saw how much you were learning, the friends you were making, how much you loved to read and learn, how much you loved your teachers and school in general. I saw so much joy in your eyes. It filled up my heart and made it overflow. I cherish those times when you come to me for a quick hug or to read something you've written. You are an artist with the written word and I know one day you will have stories published to share with everyone and they will know they've read some of the best stuff out there. I marvel at the mind inside your head, the thoughts that are in it, the creativity. I marvel that here we are, 12 years into this amazing journey, and I still feel an overwhelming joy every time I see you. I smile the moment I see you walking toward the car when I pick you up from school and wonder what will be on your mind when you get in. I feel my heart well up with love when I send you off - to school, young women's, a friend's house - because I know I'll miss you while you're gone. I try not to think of the day I will send you off to college, to marriage, maybe on a mission and you will be away for longer than ever before. You will be grown up and though my mothering and love and joy in you will be just as powerful, just as available, just as amazing, you will be grown and on your own. Even so, I look forward to that, too, because what I really want has little to do with myself and everything to do with you. I want the best for you.

So, even though college is still at least 6 years away, I want you to know that I pray every day for your safety, your happiness, that you will not be drawn into this world's negativeness but be filled with the love of your Heavenly Father. I want you to know your dad and I love you, no matter what, unconditionally. I hope for peacefulness in our world and that no matter your age or where you are in life, that I can be there - that you will know I am there - to guide you, love you, give of myself to you. Because I'll tell you something, little girl of mine, YOU are my Mother's Day gift. You are what it's all about for me. You are the best, most precious and what I'm most grateful for in my life. And Mother's Day might come once a year on the calendar, but since the day I first knew of your existance inside me, every day has been Mother's Day for me. And it's the ride of my life. I love you, Boo.

Swine Flu a Little Out of Hand

2009-05-02T17:06:00.002-06:00

I've had another cold and, of course, it flairs up the asthma. So although I feel better overall, I still have a bad cough. A few days ago, Jay and I were walking through Walmart and I had a coughing fit. EVERYONE was looking at me, fear in their eyes. I felt like yelling, "I do not have Swine Flu!" Then again, when I told my co-workers about it, one of them said I should have played it up. I said I could have told Jay, "Honey, maybe we should have put off the trip to Mexico." Then we would have had the whole store to ourselves. No waiting in line.

Can You Do It?

2009-04-29T18:21:00.002-06:00

Jay got a call from a friend about a job as a moving van driver. It's a box truck, so no CDL license required. And it's not permanent or even regular, but it's occasional additional money for us. However, he hasn't driven the two days he has worked. He's been loading and unloading. Which is fine. But I can tell you he's come home dog-tired both nights. And I worried a bit. He's almost 50 and built like a rock.....star that's done a lot of drugs over the last 30 years while eating his share of food - Elvis comes to mind. So I've worried a little. But he's off for a while now, until the next call comes in, and he brought in a pretty penny - had his employer actually signed the check. He has to go back tomorrow to have that done. So, he's still actively looking for work. I'm just happy he could do this one. I'm actually a bit proud of him.

I talked to my employer again. Not only can I work until the end of June, but now I can return the first Monday in August, too. That means only one month of not working for me. I don't know if they'll need me the whole 3 or 4 days a week, but hopefully. And, yep, I still LOVE the job. I worry a little that Rachel will have to be on her own some - if Jay finds another job - but I'll also try to find some situations for her when I can and July we'll do a lot of fun stuff together.

Surely I Have Something Of Value To Say

2009-04-21T09:42:00.002-06:00

But not a lot. I did get my paycheck earlier than promised - Tuesday instead of Thursday. That was a plus. Jay's census job is totally done today. He's turning in his stuff. I'm catching Jay and Rachel's cold. Of course, it starts in my lungs and I can tell my ears are going south quickly. This time, I won't allow the problems to go on for long.

We got our dog and cats their shots Saturday - thank goodness for a tax return. We took care of some financial things hanging over our heads, too. I went to a meeting for work yesterday that may mean a job change or even job loss for me in 1 to 2 years. If they get a descent system purchased. But it has to go through pilot phase and such first, so I'm good for this job next year at 4 and possibly 5 days a week. Then it may change or there may not be enough work to keep me. We'll have to see. Maybe my book will be done and Jay will have a good job and I'll make enough on the book to clear all our debt. I can hope - and pray - for that. I'll be finishing my visiting teaching this week for the month - Yay!!

My mom is doing really well with her recovery from a fractured hip and the subsequent surgery. She may be going home in another couple of weeks. Which is very good news as my dad's mental state (he has dementia) has deteriorated very quickly while she's been in the hospital. Once Mom is home, she can start her routine with him - spending the day talking about their past, all their children, things that have happened lately - all to help him remember. When I saw the movie, The Notebook, it left me sobbing because that is my mother and father only it is my mother telling Dad about their life.

Half hour until my first visiting teaching appointment for the day, so I'll work on my book for a bit.

A Break, Please?!?!?!?!

2009-04-13T19:48:00.002-06:00

So, I posted that my paycheck didn't come through like it was supposed to on Friday. I called my boss and a bit later today (Monday), the big boss called and said they missed them somehow - ALL the hourly people got missed!!!! I can't believe that. Pretty unprofessional. Anyway, they said they'd pay us ON THE 20TH!!!!!! Ah, no, you will pay us - me, at least - immediately or I'll be talking to an attorney. Sure enough, with that said, I'll be getting my check on Thursday - just SIX DAYS LATE! Thank goodness for our tax return being in there, because I have creditors taking funds out today and tomorrow. This is the 3rd time this has happened to one of my co-workers in a year. I really don't know what to think because I've been an hourly employee with the district all along and NEVER encountered a problem like this. We'll see how things go. I just might have to take some steps to ensure it doesn't go wrong again.

Anyway, to add stress upon stress, Jay found out tonight that the census is running out of work for everyone. In fact, there are 12 listers - what he does - already sitting with no work - thus no pay. This job may be over this week already. I'm about to fall apart. And I don't think I can keep taking this. I really, really, really don't. Even more, I don't WANT to keep taking this. Enough! We've really had enough. I swear I don't know what to do. But I'll spend my night praying that something comes up. Jay's on the computer putting in apps tonight. It's something he'll just have to do every evening from now on - even if more work comes up because clearly, they can't be trusted to even work him the ten weeks he was hired to work. Man, my heart hurts I'm so scared.

Easter Message

2009-04-12T17:57:00.003-06:00

I've stolen the YouTube clip below from a good friend's blog because I love it's message and I want to share this with all of my friends. Please take a moment and listen to it.

Just Like My Victorian Heart Background

2009-04-10T22:52:00.002-06:00

I just love it, so I went back to it before Easter hit. What can I say. It's me. I've had an extra day off this week from work because no one was going to be in on Friday and I have no key yet. But next week I'll work an extra day to make up for it. No matter. I didn't even get my dang check today!!! It's weird because I got it as an automatic deposit last month, so you'd think it would go smoothly. But no, that can't happen. So I have a message in to my boss and I'm pretty ticked off. They better not pull any garbage on me about just paying it all next month. I'll go through the roof and they'll pay me so fast it will make my head spin. Can you tell this has ticked me off a bit?

Anyway, Happy Easter. Here's a JibJab for the holiday: